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THREE PLAYS ^^ 
CURTAIN RAISER 

BY 
JOSEPH NOEL 



THE CLARIDGE PRESS 
NEW YORK 



THREE PLAYS and a 
CURTAIN RAISER 

BY 

3 jt 
JOSEPH NOEL 77J" 

Author of Lo've'' s Breadline 



THE CLARIDGE PRESS 
NEW YORK 






Copyright 1916 
By Joseph Noel 

k\\ rights Reserved. 



OGLD 4 3460 
MUR 27 1916 



CONTENTS 



Page 

The House of Rest 11 

Terms of Peace . . . . , 23 

Wild Oats 101 

The Wasters 167 



INTRODUCTION 



The plays in this vokime are in a sense an attempt to 
translate into terms of the stage a strip or two of reality. 
TERMS OF PEACE, although written before the present 
debacle in Europe, comes under this head. While it has 
been modified recently, it was first copyrighted in 1912. At 
that time an astute Broadway manager, after seriously con- 
sidering a production, refused it because the conditions de- 
picted were too far away. Now no doubt they are too near. 

A combination of two ideas gave birth to THE 
WASTERS. One of these was furnished by Laurence 
Shubert of the well known theatrical family. Against a 
background of divorce and its effect on children with two 
houses to live in and no home, which I had long con- 
templated as the basis of a drama, I laid in Mr. Shubert's 
conception of tit for tat. Credit is therefore due him for 
suggesting that a play might be fashioned out of a brother 
seeking revenge in kind for an injury done his sister. 

The Author. 



authors' league 

a'kolian building 

new york city 



THE HOUSE OF REST 



THE HOUSE OF REST 



CHARACTERS 



Louis A Man about town 

Fanchon 

A truth-seeking young woman able to reason 

from cause to effect. 

Curiosity seekers, and a gendarme. 

Scene — Interior of the Paris morgue. Entire rear of stage 
is encased in glass. Behind the glass are a half 
do^en suicides. These are : 

AN ANARCHIST 

A BEGGAR . 

A BUSINESS MAN 

A MIDINETTE 

A BOULEVARDIER 

THE WIFE 

Fanchon is one of the morbid crowd moving 
from figure to figure that enters L. and exits R. 
A Sister of Charity enters and tells her beads in 
front of each figure as she moves slowly along. 
A Gendarme sits on a chair and searches his pocket 
for tobacco for his pipe. He finds it, and makes 
it obinous that he goes off to smoke. 

Time — Early morning. Enter Louis R. He wears evening 
clothes, silk hat and overcoat. He carries a cane, 
and is quite tipsy. 

Louis {Addressing no one in particular) — What hotel 
is this? 

Passer-by — This is not a hotel, monsieur. 

Louis — Strange {Comes dozvn). And I haven't been drink- 
ing more than usual. {Addresses a zvoman) What church is 
this? I always like to know the name of the saint that 

11 



12 THE HOUSE OF REST 

protects the church I pray in. {The woman moves away 
without speaking.) {Louis grabs a man by arm) What's 
the name of this church? 

Man — This is not a church, monsieur. 

Louis — No! You surprise me {The man breaks aiuay). 
Then it's a museum. 

Man {Going up toivard figures) — It's not a museum 
either. 

Louis {Looking at figures) — I have it. It's silent vaude- 
ville. What an improvement ! I'll recommend this. {Fan- 
chon moves near him) Pardon me, but can vou tell me the 
inventor of this inarticulate cabaret? 

Fanchon — This is not a cabaret, monsieur. It is the 
morgue. 

Louis — The two are not so far apart as you think. This 
is the real house of mirth. {With slight laugh) And these 
{Indicating figures) are all life's comedians grown tired of 
the applause. 

Fanchon — Possibly, monsieur. 

Louis — It's not merely possible. It's true. Are they here 
for good ? 

Fanchon — No. Only until they are identified. 

Louis — They sit there grinning at us until we discover 
what label they used among us, then we tuck them away and 
make room for more. In my opinion the government should 
freeze these and let them stay here permanently as a warning. 

Fanchon — More room would have to be furnished for 
those who decided today that the Seine makes a nice bed. 

Louis — But these would be here as horrible examples. 

Fanchon — That wouldn't reduce the disenchantment with 
life. Then there's tomorrow's disenchantment to be reck- 
oned with, and next week and next year's. A definite per- 
centage of Paris' population goes out by the back door every 
day. 

Louis {Soberly) — A definite percentage! You seem to 
have considered this subject very curiously. 

Fanchon — You flatter me, monsieur. 



THE HOUSE OF REST 13 

Louis — Do I? Well, I didn't intend to. You see, a 
person that knows the arithmetic of disenchantment must be 
immune to anything so ordinary as a compliment. 

Fanci-ion (Retreating as if offended) — Bon jour, mon- 
sieur, I only answered your questions. 

Louis — Yes, that's right you did. Only you seem to have 
figured out the answers in advance. That's enough to make 
one lose his sense of humor. Do you lose yours in this 
place ? 

Fanchon — I don't know, monsieur. 

Louis — You come here often? 

Fanchon — Yes. 

Louis — Looking for some one? 

Fanchon (Making it obvious that she is not taking him 
into her confidence) — Well, just to see the latest additions. 

Louis — Mon Dieu, you never had a sense of humor to 
lose. 

Fanchon (Going toivard R.) — Thank you — for nothing. 

Louis (Follozving her, indifferent to her displeasure) — Do 
you know any of the guests? (Takes off hat and bows) 
Ladies and gentlemen, at your service. 

Fanchon — I know all that I want to know. 

Louis — Ah, indeed ! Before or after ? 

Fanchon — Both. There's little new to be said about any 
of us after we kiss the lips of the one true democracy. 

Louis — Do we all become so hopelessly and emphatically 
similar after we cross the border? 

Fanchon — We don't become — we are. Nothing is being 
said that hasn't been said ; nothing is being done that hasn't 
been done. By the clothes a man wears, more than anything 
else, you can determine his life, what he thinks and what 
he is. 

Louis — Well, my vocabulary in skirts, unfold me the 
private life of yon grizzly customer. (He indicates one of 
the figures.) 



14 THE HOUSE OF REST 

Fanchon {After glancing at figure) — Anarchist. A pro- 
duct of Montmartre tainted by philosophy just enough to 
keep from being a brawler. To prove his own individuahty 
he denied the individuality of everyone else that didn't thinlc 
as he did. 

Louis — Right. Went to meetings nightly where the mem- 
bers practice their discourtesies on one another. {Goes up 
to figure) Bon jour, you quenched fire-brand! Are you a 
Syndicalist over there? Do you still screech for the pro- 
letariat that in your heart you despise? You turned your 
back on God. Now God turns his back on you ! 

Fanchon — Pardon, monsieur, you are showing heat. 
You are vindictive beyond the grave. 

Louis {Comes down) — The enemies of our social order 
must be taught their place, living or dead. 

Fanchon — That's why you would use God as a scourge? 

Louis — When God ceases to be a scourge, he ceases to 
be God. 

Fanchon — Indeed. Evidently your God is the creation 
of a moralist who needed help to inflict his morality. 

Louis {Addressing another figure) — What do you think 
of that ? Is it true ? You know everything there is to know. 
You tore aside the veil. What's on the other side? 

Fanchon— That fellow was a grocer. His desertion of 
life was not that he might pursue knowledge. 

Louis — He looks as if his soul had the double chin of 
success. It is evident that he took a headlong plunge into 
the hereafter to escape the need of meeting himself face to 
face every morning. 

Fanchon^ — Where do you think his double-chined soul 
is now ? 

Louis — Haggling with Charon at the St3^x. He'll cheat 
the ferryman out of his fare. 

Fanchon — Possibly trick him out of his boat and get a 
monopoly of the right of way. 

Louis — When we go, we may be compelled to ride on 
the Styx Limited, and pay tribute to a corporation. 

Fanchon — Old Cinquocento seems quite calm about it. 



THE HOUSE OF REST 15 

Louis — That's the cahnness of superior stupidity. Leave 
him to his ledgers. Do you know Celestin? (Indicating 
figure of girl.) 

Fanciion (She shozvs that she is affected) — A little. 

LouLS — She brought her smiles to market. Yes? 

Fanciion (Sadly) — With few buyers at the end. 

Louis (Addressing female figure) — Your face I have for- 
gotten, ma belle, and I knew them all. 

Fanchon — The river washed away the rouge that made 
recognition possible. 

Louis (To figure) — You were no cloistered Venus. 
Neither fear nor reason held your emotions in check. What 
of those glances you hungered for? What of those nights 
inacarnadined — ? (Turns to Fanchon) Come to think of it, 
this sad-e3fed daughter of Joy was no better and no worse 
than every charming woman I have ever met. 

Fanciion — Do you wish to compliment the dead or reflect 
on the living? 

Louis — Merely state a truth. Like them she was gra- 
ciously immoral without a feeling of guilt. 

Fanchon — Ah, you are a student of the sex. 

Louis — Just that. A student. At the end of my millionth 
reincarnation, Ell still be just a student. This much I do 
know : the more men any normal woman can be faithful to 
at one time, the happier she is. 

Fanciion — Evidently you have made your investigations 
pay you in exact knowledge. 

Louis — I wonder if Celestin found in her multiplicity of 
loves all the platitudes of marriage? 

Fanchon — What do you think? You have had a great 
deal of experience. 

Louis — That's why she's here. Having nothing left in 
life to be curious about, she put an end to it. 

Fanchon (Showing that the talk about Celestin is more 
or less displeasing) — Do you consider the old gentleman in- 
teresting? (Indicating old man's figure.) 



16 THE HOUSE OF REST 

Louis — Looks as if he had a soft boiled intellect. (Makes 
a closer inspection.) Why he's the old beggar that used to 
stand near the bridge. Poor old devil, life had become to 
him just a dull headache on a noisy street. 

Fanchon — He did well to stuff his ears with the cotton 
of oblivion. 

Louis — I'm sorry to see him go — this way. 

Fanchon — How like a man! The latch string of your 
sympathy is out for him. Why? Because as a beggar he 
was never possible as a rival. You could never imagine him 
robbing you of a kiss or taking the bread out of your mouth. 
In payment for his discretion you dole him out a tear. 

Louis — Do you think you have me on the operating table 
searching for my soul with a scalpel ? 

Fanchon — I have no curiosity about your soul. 1 know 
it too well. 

Louis — When did it receive an introduction to you ? 

Fanchon — When I first met your type. Your three meals 
a day, your bed, your coat, your hat, your habit of thought, 
your left-handed love affairs — how different are they from 
his? (Indicating figure of Boulevardier) Instead of waiting 
until Saturday as you are doing, he died on Monday and 
gained a whole week on eternity. 

Louis (Looking closely at the figure) — I knew him. That 
is my friend Gilbert Goncourt. 

Fanchon — You do know him ! 

Louis — And you? 

Fanchon — Oh, yes. I knew him. We're all of a family 
here this morning. Gilbert found life a continual recurrence 
of minor idiocies. 

Louis — Celestin might have been one of them. 

Fanchon — She was. 

Louis — Strange they should both be here at once. Was 
she his ? 

Fanchon (Gloomily) — For a week, a month, a year. He 
plucked the blossom of her youth, then tossed her away. 



THE HOUSE OF REST 17 

Louis (Lightly) — Well, someone else would have plucked 
the blossom if he had overlooked the chance. 

Fanchon — True, monsieur. 

Louis — She had the laughter and the song. 

Fanchon — ^The song, I remember, had a sob in it. The 
laughter — ! There was no laughter. 

Louis — You knew her very well? 

Fanchon — She was my sister. 

Louis — Pardon me, but do you think this is the place to 
keep her on exhibition ? 

Fanchon — How tender we are of our wrecks once we 
prove our success as wreckers. I kept her here until he 
should come. 

Louis (Starting) — You knew he would come? 

Fanchon — I did. 

Louis — Perhaps you brought him to this? 

Fanchon — He rushed headlong into it — our little Celestin 
here died because she couldn't satisfy desires for luxury he 
had cultivated in her. 

Louis — At least he gave her one sip of the wine of life. 

Fanchon — But the dregs were near the rim of the cup. 
He left her to gulp them while he went off to drink deep. 

Louis — Of happiness with someone else. Did it ever 
strike you as odd that the joy water of existence must be 
taken in company? 

Fanchon — The company this time had a triple veil on 
her face. 

Louis — Ah! Literesting. Married, no doubt. (Turns to 
figure) Gilbert, you always were a rogue. 

Fanchon — I was never able to penetrate her identity, 
but I learned that she Avas the wife of his best friend. 

Louis (Laughing) — His best friend! Oh, Gilbert! You 
rascal, you carry your sense of humor beyond the grave. 
That's one of the finest things I've heard in a month. 

Fanchon — That's the laughter that puts a halo on the 
head of Sin. 



18 THE HOUSE OF REST 

Louis — I agree with you. Sin needs a halo once in a 
while. 

Fanchon — Do you know what his actions meant? 

Louis — Assuredly, Happiness ! Stolen happiness, the 
sweetest. Think of all those kisses and caresses ! They 
belonged to someone else and he collected them. Oh, if you 
were only married ! What joy to hoodwink a stupid hus- 
band. All husbands are stupid. 

Fanchon — I believe you. 

Louis — I can see her going home — {Looks at figure of 
Boulevardier.) Oh, you rogue! She is quite sedate. Very 
gentle, very kind. Ah, much kinder than usual. There's 
an air of lassitude about her. She looks as if she were 
praying. The husband is sure that she is going in for 
charity, possibly religion. Oh, the clown ! What a joke on 
him! 

Fanchon — Yes, monsieur, but it was a sad joke for me 
when I found my little Celestin here last night. 

Louis — Oh, well, that's all in the game. I'd like to know 
that other one. Is she waiting for him at their rendezvous ? 
Perhaps the husband found him out. That's why he's here. 

Fanchon — No, I found him out, monsieur. 

Louis — I knew you had a hand in it, you kill- joy. What 
did you do? 

Fanchon — Last night I left my little Celestin at the 
end of her journey, and went in search of the man who had 
started her on the road. 

Louis — You're making a tragedy of nothing. Wasn't it 
better for her after all, this taste of life, than an eternity 
of thoroughly domesticated passion? 

Fanchon — Be that as it may, I arrived at his hotel in 
time to see the woman of the triple veil enter. 

Louis — The wife of his best friend ! 

Fanchon — I waited. 

Louis — That was considerate of you. Nothing equals 
that first ten minutes of heaven — with the wife of your best 
friend. 



THE HOUSE OF REST 19 

Fanchon — Then I bought the services of an Apache that 
I knew. Together we dashed at the door of their room. I 
screamed for her to run as all was discovered. She jumped 
out of the window. 

Louis — And Gilbert ? 

Fanchon — I was one of a mob that chased him to the 
river. There was a splash. Here he is. 

Louis — What a climax to such a tender romance! You 
have no mercy. Tell me, what became of the wife of his 
best friend? 

Fanchon — ^The fall killed her. She is also here, mon- 
sieur. 

Louis — Here! {Looks around) Where? 

Fanchon {Points to female figure) — There she is. 

Louis {Goes to figure) — It is possible that I may know 
her — good God, it's my wife. 

Fanchon {Afraid) — Your wife! 

Louis {Shakes fist at wife's figure) — Oh — you — to be- 
tray — {JFIe turns to Boulevardier) And you, you dog. You 
cur. You robbed me of everything worth while in my life. 

Fanchon {Grimly) — Things look just a little different 
now. 

Louis — ^They are different. {Goes to Fanchon) You are 
responsible for it all. I was going along with my eyes shut. 
Happy. We all have to keep our eyes shut to be happy. 
Then you came looking for justice and truth and morality. 
You broke into her life {Indicating Celestin), then into his 
{Indicating Boulevardier), then into hers {Indicating wife), 
and mine. Mine worst of all. But, by God, you're going 
to pay. 

Fanchon {Trying to get past him) — Help! 

Louis {Grasping her by throat) — Too late. 

{Enter Gendarme and some of the crowd. They rush to 
Louis and seize him. Fanchon falls from his grasp. One 
of the crowd bends over her and feels her heart.) 

Man — She is dead. 

Louis — An addition to your collection, gentlemen. She 
was too moral for this world. 

Curtain 



TERA/IS OF PEACE 



TERMS OF PEACE 
CHARACTERS 

John Stevenson 

An American Millionaire, appointed del- 
egate to the PEACE CONGRESS at the 
Hague. 

Crandall Deposed delegate to the Congress 

Carin Meredith With zvhom Stevenson is in love 

Prince Soblov Russian delegate 

Mannie Secretary to Stevenson 

Pascual Assistant to Carin 

Ming Servant 

Von Holst German delegate to the Congress 

Graham English delegate 

Takahari Japanese delegate 

Mrs. Pierson Carin' s sister 

Delpiiine Mrs. Pierson' s daughter 

Commandant, General, stretcher hearers, soldiers, etc. 



Synopsis of Scenes 
ACT I 

The first act takes place in the living room of the American 
Peace Mansion. 

ACT II 

Act two takes place in the same room, next day. 

ACT III 

Act three takes place in the living room of an old chateau 
at the front. 



23 



'WAR- 
ACT I 

Scene — Interior of well-furnished living room in the Amer- 
ican Mansion of Peace. Entrances rear and R. and 
L. There is a window on an angle in upper L. 
corner. Curtains are draped in front of it, and as 
it is in a sort of recess, a bench or couch, with 
cushions, is built in so as to conform to the shape 
of the recess. Between this zvindow, and door 
rear, is a good sized desk. Down front is a large 
library table on which arc books and papers and a 
telephone. Right is a couch. There are two chairs 
near table and a few other chairs scattered about 
room. All shozv, with the rest of the surroundings, 
the dignity of the position held by the occupants. 
At rise Carin and Pascual are discovered. 
Pascual is operating typeivriter at desk. 
Carin is glancing through official papers at table. 

Carin (Looking up from document she is reading) — Are 
you nearly done, Pascual? 

Pascual (Stops zvriting) — Your ladyship shall have the 
last page in two more minutes. (Writes. House bell rings. 
Enter Ming with card. He is in dress of high class Chinese 
servant.) 

Ming — Mr. Crandall, him not here ? (Pascual stops writ- 
ing and reads MSS., though shozving that he is listening. 
Carin takes quick look at him.) 

Carin (Taking card from salver held my Ming) — Show 
Prince Soblov in. (Pascual resumes zvriting.) Mr. Crandall 
will be disengaged shortly. (Exit Ming, rear.) 

Carin (To Pascual) — Are you nearly through, Pascual? 

Pascual — Your Highness shall have the last page in two 
minutes. 

Carin — It is five minutes since you said that before. 

24 



TERMS OF PEACE 25 

Pascual — Your Supreme Graciousness is right. ( Writes 
very fast. Enter Ming showing in Sohlov. Rear exit Ming. 
Soblov advances and kisses Carin's hand.) 

Carin — Good evening. 

Soblov — You grow more charming every day, Miss Mere- 
dith. 

Carin {Lightly) — Pm afraid you formed the habit of 
saying that in Washington, and now think you must keep it 
up in Europe. {Goes L.) 

Soblov — Wait, I have news for you. {She stops at door) 
John Stevenson has arrived from America. {She turns) 
I thought that would interest you. 

Carin {Coldly) — Have you a special reason for thinking 
so, Prince Soblov? 

Soblov — ^Ask your heart that question. 

Carin — You seem to forget that I am engaged to marry 
Mr. Crandall. 

Soblov {Quizzically) — ^We have records of hands being 
bound and hearts remaining free. 

Carin — I see you are not in a serious mood. I'll tell Mr. 
Crandall you are here. {Exit L. Soblov gives a pectdiar 
snapping signal with his fingers. Pascual comes to him.) 

SoBLOv — Well ? 

Pascual {After furtively looking around) — ^The Prime 
Minister of England sent two messages, your highness. 

Soblov — One yesterday, the other this morning. 
Pascual — Your Highness has said it. 
Soblov — I know all about them. What else? 
Pascual — Andraive sent a message from Russia. 
Soblov — What? {Starts). Another! How did it come? 
Pascual — An English gentleman brought it. 

Soblov {Half to himself) — ^The devil! These peace fan- 
atics are becoming tricky; calling on an English gentleman 
for courier! {Takes Pascual by arm). Andraive is now 
close to the Czar. He may mean defeat of our plans to stop 



26 TERMS OF PEACE 

the destruction of the Russian Army, and the Russian Em- 
pire under guise of peace. You must learn the contents of 
that letter. Sh — {Enter Ming rear. Ming goes to win- 
dozv and pulls hack curtain and exits R.) 

Pascual (Goes up to desk) — I am on the last page of 
the answer, your highness. 

SoBLOV {Watching Ming as he goes) — Takahari should 
change his man. 

Pascual {Comes zvith sheet of paper taken from type- 
writer. Holding out letter) — Here's the answer, Prince. 

SoBLOV {Knocking letter from his hand) — Fool. That's 
not an answer to Andraive's letter. If they trust you to 
copy it, there is nothing in it to interest me. 

Pascual {Picking up letter humbly) — Right, my prince. 
{Sohlov gives peculiar signal again zvith his fingers. Pas- 
cual stands erect and tense). 

SoBLOv {Under his breath) — Go. {Pascual starts rear. 
Enter Crandall L. He is a direct, straightforward man with 
one idea. He is somewhat of an idealist and dreamer, 
though trying to he practical and is ahout fifty years of age.) 

Crandall — Good evening, Prince Soblov. 

SoBLOV {Shaking hands with him) — There's always a wel- 
come in your handclasp. 

Crandall {To Pascual) — You may go, Pascual. Leave 
that letter. {Pascual lays letter on tahle and exits rear.) 

Soblov — You sent for me? 

Crandall — A very important matter has come up. 

Soblov — Ah, the leader of our great movement to estab- 
lish peace in the world needs my humble services ? 

Crandall — Prince Soblov, I sometimes question if some 
who identify themselves with the peace movement are not 
fervent advocates of war. 

Soblov {Surprise simulated) — You think we have traitors 
in our camp? 

Crandall — I know we have {Looks directly at Soblov). 

SoBLOV — That is unfortunate. Still, we need have no 
concern. The delegates to the Peace Congress will vote to 



TERMS OF PEACE 27 

forbid this war. Universal disarmament will follow as a 
matter of course. 

Crandall — The delegates to the Peace Congress are 
evenly divided. 

SoBLOV (Making light of it) — Then you as President of 
the Congress will cast the deciding vote. 

Crandall — I'll cast the deciding vote if I am permitted 
to cast it. Prince Soblov. 

SoBLOv — Why, who can stop you? 

Crandall — The enemies of Peace are powerful. There 
has been a presidential election at home since my appoint- 
ment. 

SoBLOv (Evidently relieved) — ^Ah, I see. You wish me 
to use v/hatever influence I possess to have you retained as 
delegate? I shall be honored. 

Crandall — This is the crucial period of modern history. 
The change of one vote from the side of peace in this Con- 
gress to the side of war will leave the destructive element 
in the ascendency. 

SoBLOv (Seriously) — Such a change is to be regretted. 

Crandall — You know what it will mean, Prince Soblov? 
The vast armies taken from the shop and the plough to 
learn the trade of murder in a uniform, will continue to 
learn that trade. The waste to maintain those armies will 
continue. Every working man will have a soldier on his 
back. The crushing of the hearts of the wives and mothers 
of the world will go on. 

Soblov (Affected)- — A horrible picture. Can it be pos- 
sible there are traitors among us who want that? 

Crandall (Leaning over table close to Soblov) — There 
is one traitor among us. 

SoBLOv — You know who he is? 

Crandall — I do. 

Soblov — ^Who? 

Crandall — ^You. 

Soblov (Puts hand in breast as if for weapon) — Be 
careful ! 



28 TERMS OF PEACE • 

Crandall — Put that away — {They hold steady look for 
a second, then Sohlov drops his eyes, and takes hand from 
breast.) I say nothing I cannot prove. (Pause.) I intend 
to place my proofs before your master. 

SoBLOv — The Czar? 

Crandall — The Czar. The meeting of the Peace Con- 
ference will be postponed. I leave tonight for St. Peters- 
burg. The audience has been arranged. 

SoBLOV — By Andraive? 

Crandall — By Andraive. A true friend of peace ! The 
one man of Russia who, if he had been sent to this confer- 
ence in your place, would have obeyed the mandate of the 
Czar and forbidden this war the militarists have set their 
hearts on. 

SoBLOV — ^What's your price? 

Crandall — Now we'll talk business. Sit down. (They 
sit.) My price is your resignation, Prince Soblov. (Soblov 
makes vigorous movement.) 

Soblov — No. 

Crandall — You must resign immediately as delegate to 
THE PEACE CONGRESS. 

Soblov — Never ! 

Crandall — And in a letter to his Imperial Majesty, the 
Czar of Russia, you will clear the way for Andraive to be 
appointed your successor immediately. 

Soblov — May I burn in hell if I do. 

Crandall (Rising as if thing was settled) — Very good. 
War or no war, you will be dismissed in disgrace. I have 
documents to prove that you are in league with the military 
cliques in every European capital. You are not only a 
traitor to peace, you are a traitor to Russia, to the Russian 
people, to the Russian Czar. 

Soblov (Stopping in front of Crandall. He has recov- 
ered his poise) — You have played the great American game 
of poker ? 

Crandall — Some. 



TERMS OF PEACE 29 

SoBLOv — You bluffed. 

Crandall — One doesn't last long otherwise. 

SoBLOV — You are bluffing now. 

Crandall — You think so, Prince Soblov? You have 
heard of that inner circle of men in every European nation 
who call themselves The State? They are looked upon as 
The State no matter who may be the ruler, no matter what 
the form of government? 

Soblov — Who has not? 

Crandall — The group of men that constitute the Inner 
State in each country of Europe is a military group. They 
alone know the general who will lead an invasion or repel 
invaders. They know the secret formulae for the manu- 
facture of explosives. 

Soblov — What has this to do with me ? 

Crandall — This. You are a secret member of the Inner 
State of Russia. (Soblov shoivs that he is hit.) That group 
has entered into an alliance with every other military group 
in Europe to maintain the prestige of the Military caste. 

Soblov — Where are your proofs ? Show them to me. 

Crandall — I'll show them to his Imperial Majesty, the 
Czar of Russia. 

Soblov (After long pause) — ^When shall I resign? 

Crandall — At once. I want two copies of the resigna- 
tion, both signed by you, 

Soblov — Call your secretary. (Crandall goes to door L. 
and opens it. He calls.) 

Crandall — Carin — 

Soblov — Just a minute. I don't want her to know. (Carin 
appears at door L.) 

Crandall (After second of hesitation. To Carin) — Pas- 
cual has finished the letter. (Takes letter from table and 
gives it to her.) Look it over. 

Carin — Shall I send it off? 

Crandall — If you please. If it's alright. (Exit Carin.) 



30 TERMS OF PEACE 

SoBLOv — Thank you. I'll write the resignation myself. 
(Sits at table and picks tip pen. By his attitude he gives 
the impression that he will trick Crandall.) 

Crandall (Thoughtfully. He suspects a trick) — I want 
them worded exactly alike. Can you use a typewriter? 
(Crandall brings typewriter to table.) 

SoBLOv — I'm going to write in Russian. 

Crandall — You're going to write in English. 

SoBLOv — I'm a little afraid of my English. Make it 
French. 

Crandall (Bringing down box of carbons to table) — - 
English. Do you use the machine? 

SoBLOV (Glad at last) — Never touched one in my life. 

Crandall (Placing sheet of carbon between two sheets 
of paper) — Very good, I'll act as your secretary. (Sits at 
machine.) 

SoBLOV — What shall I say? 

Crandall — Write the letter to me as President of the 
Peace Congress. 

SoBLOV — Go on. 

Crandall (Writes as he talks) — 

To the President of The Peace Congress, The 
Hague. 

Dear Sir : 

Owing to the fact that my heart is no longer with 
the mandate of my Imperial Master, the Czar, to 
have peace at any price 

SoBLOv — No. I'll write a straightforward resignation — 
nothing else. 

Crandall — (Writing) — 

And because I am a member of the Military Organi- 
zation existing only for the purpose of strangling 
peace 

SoBLOV — That will do. 

Crandall (Looking up) — That's enough. (Writes.) 
I hereby tender my resignation as a member of the 
Peace Congress, 



TERMS OF PEACE 31 

SoBLOV — Do you want to ruin my life? One of those 
copies is for Andraive ! 

Crandall — Sign. (Lays sheets on table, the carbon still 
between.) 

SoBLOV — I won't. 

Crandall — ^Very good. I'll see the Czar. 

SoBLOV — You are bent on my destruction. 

Crandall — You are bent on your own destruction. It 
must be written so to keep you in your proper place, Prince 
Soblov. (Soblov seises pen and signs.) 

SoBLOV — ^You always win. In our first encounter while 
I was still an attache of the Russian legation at Washing- 
ton, you won. (Crandall pulls sheet of carbon from be- 
tzveen the sheets of paper.) 

Crandall — Why rake up the past? We have enough in 
the present on which to base antagonism. See, you have 
signed both copies at once. One is a carbon copy. 

Soblov — Shall I sign it twice? (Reaching for carbon 
copy.) 

Crandall — No, this will do. You cannot deny your sig- 
nature. You will not dare. 

Soblov — Dare ! 

Crandall — I still hold the proofs. (Laying carbon sheet 
in box of carbons.) 

Soblov — Those proofs come to me now for these. It's a 
fair exchange. (He lays hand on resignations.) 

Crandall — What? Give up the weapon that defeated 
you? You could easily say that I coerced you to sign that. 
(Indicating resignation.) You can never deny my proofs 
that you betrayed your master, the Czar. 

Soblov — (Placing resignations in pocket) — ^Unless you 
give me your proofs so that I can destroy them, I cannot 
give you these. 

Crandall — Very good. You know the price. If you 
are willing to fight, alright. 

Soblov — ^We have run counter to one another, Crandall, 
since we first met. 



32 TERMS OF PEACE 

Crandall — No doubt we always shall. 

SoBLOV — It is sometimes a hard matter for an intelligent 
man to forgive. 

Crandall — When I ask forgiveness, Prince Soblov, you 
may grant it. 

Soblov — I only want to warn you not to interfere with 
my life. 

Crandall — Is that a threat ? 

Soblov — Call it what you like — {Pause.) Do you go to 
St. Petersburg? 

Crandall — My train leaves at midnight. 

Soblov — Very good. This is au revoir. {At door rear.) 
I'll return to say good bye. {Exit rear. Crandall pushes 
button. Enter Carin L.) 

Crandall — I must go to St. Petersburg. 

Carin — You could not force a resignation? 

Crandall — He wanted to see my proofs. God, I wish 
they were real. I wish they were not so indefinite, so non- 
conclusive. 

Carin — You must see the Czar. 

Crandall — I will. Let him decide. With Andraive in 
Soblov's place, peace would have a chance, even with a 
United States delegate in my place voting for militarism. 

Carin — Hush — {Going up. Quietly opens door, rear. 
Enter Pascual with letters. It is evident that he has been 
listening.) Thank you, Pascual. {Taking letters. EI e bows 
and exits rear. She waits at door until sure he has gone, 
then turns to Crandall.) Has the news that you are no 
longer delegate been given to the embassies? 

Crandall — They have an inkling of it somehow. My 
forced resignation should be in the hands of the President 
today. I firmly believe that's why the opposition is ready 
to set a time for the vote. 

Carin — They know you'll be unable to vote. I wonder 
who will be appointed your successor ! 



TERMS OF PEACE 33 

Crandall — Someone who will come full-armed to tear 
down in a day what it has taken me a lifetime to build up. 
Carin, dear, the world is turned wrong. 

Carin — We are here to turn it right. 

Crandall — Brave as ever ! If I had only ten days more, 
if I had five, I'd place in your lap the victory for which you 
have fought so well. I'd give, my life, for just ten days as 
delegate. Do you know the fear that's pressing in on me, 
Carin? {Dejected.) 

Carin — What is it? 

Crandall — With every ring of the door bell I expect to 
see my successor, a believer in legalized murder, enter with 
his credentials from the President of the United States, and 
order me out and war in. {Enter Ming.) 

Ming {Announcing) — Mr. John Stevenson, 

Crandall — I knew it! There he is. {To Ming) Show 
him in. {Exit Ming.) 

Carin — He's the man! {Enter Stevenson, rear. They 
look at him strangely.) 

Steven.son {To Crandall and coming down) — You don't 
seem particularly glad to see me, Mr, Crandall, 

Crandall — I was just talking about you, John Stevenson. 

Stevenson — I am honored. {To Carin) You had some- 
thing to say, too? 

Carin {Intense) — Why did you come here now? 

Stevenson — Shall I tell you? 

Carin — Yes. 

Stevenson — In the presence of Mr. Crandall ? 

Crandall — Perhaps if I withdraw. {Goes to door L.) 

Carin — Wait. {Crandall stops.) There is nothing Mr. 
Stevenson has to say to me that cannot be said in public. 

Stevenson — Very well, Carin. I have the reputation of 
being a simple man and a direct one. I came here to get 
you. I want you to be my wife. You broke off our engage- 
ment in response to a whim, 

Crandall {Surprised) — Huh! 



34 TERMS OF PEACE 

CiiANDALL — Is that all you came to — to see about? 

Carin — I am engaged to marry Mr. Crandall. 

Stevenson — Is that not enough? 

Stevenson (Shows he is hit, hut recovers) — Engaged! 
I beg your pardon. {Goes to Crandall.) Permit me to con- 
gratulate you. {Shakes hands with him.) Of course, I'm 
sorry I intruded. 

Crandall {Warmly) — Why, I thought you came to dis- 
place me as delegate to the Peace Congress, Stevenson. That 
accounts for the coldness of. my welcome. Won't you sit 
down? {Takes his arm and. leads him to chair. To Carin) 
Let's make amends, Carin^ Let Ming fetch some refresh- 
ments. 

Carin {Grudgingly). — I'll, get them. {Carin goes out R.) 

Crandall — You know, Stevenson, although we're on dif- 
ferent sides of this war question, I'm really glad to see you. 

Stevenson — Thank you. 

Crandall — Most of you millionaires at home are so busy 
piling up more millions that you don't have time to study 
social forces. There's no reflection intended, Stevenson, 
none whatever. You simply don't have time, that's all. 

Stevenson — Some haven't the inclination. 

Crandall — Don't tell me you're one of those. I won't 
believe it. 

Stevenson — You forget that I am a manufacturer of 
armor plate. I thrive on war. 

Crandall — I don't forget it, Stevenson. But you are too 
big a man, you have too big a brain to let your economic 
chains bind you to the destructive forces of society. Some 
day when you realize there are blood stains on your divi- 
dends, you'll refuse to take them. 

Stevenson — I'll travel long on the present road before I 
reach that turning. 

Crandall — You'll reach it quicker than you think. Re- 
member the lowly Nazarene. His gospel of peace and good 
will to man grips the heart Avhen you least expect it. Yours 
is an American heart. 



TERMS OF PEACE 35 

Stevenson — Men are alike the world over. Their hearts 
are the same where profits are concerned. 

Crandall — Maybe. Anyhow, I want you to stay and 
see us turn Europe from a military camp, where half the 
people are ready to cut the throats of the other half, into a 
group of peace-loving countries, where the brotherhood of 
man will have a chance to get a foothold. Make this your 
headquarters. 

Stevenson — You forget that I came here to take Carin 
away. 

Crandall {Indifferently) — ^Well ? 

Stevenson — You are going to marry her. 

Crandall — What has that to do with it? Our engage- 
ment was so sudden and unexpected I haven't quite ad- 
justed myself to it yet. 

Stevenson {Anxiously and zvith suggestion of surprise) 
— Indeed ! When did it happen ? 

Crandall — Last Thursday. 

Stevenson {Thoughtfully) — You became engaged last 
Thursday ? 

Crandall — Yes, Thursday. 

Stevenson — That was the very day the newspapers an- 
nounced my arrival in Europe. When will the marriage 
take place? 

Crandall {Tenderly) — You'll have to ask Carin. She 
says it would be criminal to let love interfere with our work 
of the Peace Congress. 

Stevenson — That sounds like her. (Enter Carin zvith 
tray, liquor and glasses.) 

Crandall — Doesn't it? 

Stevenson {Obviously trying to change the subject) — 
You say the Peace Congress will soon vote on the all-im- 
portant question of war or no war. 

Crandall {Hesitating, yet sticking to his ideal of truth- 
fulness) — Well, I cannot say. You see, I have been afraid 
of forcing it to a decision right now. The elements we 
have to deal with are uncertain. You understand, Steven- 



36 TERMS OF PEACE 

son, there's a traitor in our camp. There are traitor gov- 
ernments, too, working openly for peace and secretly for 
war. 

Carin {Offering liquor to Stevenson. Filling glasses.) — 
In spite of that we are in hopes that orders will go forth to 
beat the swords into plowshares. 

Stevenson (To Crandall) — If the dove of peace builds 
a permanent nest in the world, Crandall, most of the credit 
goes to you. 

Crandall — Oh, no, Carin deserves more than I. 

Carin {Giving him liquor) — I was the clerk, the book- 
keeper of the movement. That's all. 

Crandall — You always kept a stout heart. Many of us 
stumbled, some fell by the wayside. Even in our darkest 
days, when we were forcing on the consciousness of the 
world the possibility of democracy compelling the govern- 
ments of Europe to forbid war, you never faltered. {Enter 
Mannie, rear. About 24.) 

Mannie {To Stevenson) — Excuse me. This is an im- 
portant telegram. 

Stevenson {To Crandall and Carin. Takes telegram.) — 
This is my private secretary, Mr. Mannie. Miss Meredith, 
Mr. Crandall. {They hozv in acknowledgment.) 

Mannie — I'm glad to meet you. {Exit Mannie, rear.) 

Stevenson — A valuable man, that. Used to be an actor. 
Pardon me. {Opens and glances at telegram.) 

Carin {To Stevenson) — He seemed to think that you are 
master of the house. 

Crandall {Fearfully) — ^You are the delegate come to 
displace me ! 

Stevenson — Have I presented any credentials? Has the 
President sent you a cablegram accepting your resignation? 
And naming your successor ? 

Crandall — You know that my resignation is on the way 
to him ? 

Stevenson {Assuming indifference) — Oh, many of us on 
the other side know that. As a matter of fact, it was ex- 
pected long ago. 



TERMS OF PEACE 37 

Crandall (Overcome) — I forced delay to the very last 
minute. I want the vote against this war to be taken before 
I am compelled to retire. 

Carin (To Stevenson) — Mr. Stevenson, I believe that 
you were the direct cause of Mr. Crandall being eliminated 
as delegate. 

Stevenson (With non-committal air) — You over-estimate 
my powers, Carin. 

Crandall (To Stevenson) — You were a strong factor in 
my defeat, Stevenson. Can you deny it? 

Stevenson (Laughingly) — Oh, we all play politics more 
or less at home. 

Carin — This is not politics. War is never politics. It's 
murder. (Enter Ming with card.) 

Crandall (Reading card) — The German Delegate, the 
Baron Von Hoist. Show him into my study. I'll see him 
at once. (Exit Ming, rear. Crandall goes L.) I'm leaving 
for St. Petersburg at midnight, Stevenson. I want to talk 
to you before I go. 

Stevenson — If Carin lets me stay until you get back, I'll 
be here. 

Crandall — She will let you stay. There's not much she 
wouldn't do to win you to the side of peace. (Exit L.) 

Stevenson (To Carin) — You'd do anything but give up 
the desire for individual war. 

Carin — I am quite ready to war with you. You can't 
object. Those who advocate the sword should be willing to 
perish by the sword. 

Stevenson — Did you break off our engagement and run 
away from America through fear that you might be tempted 
to use the sword on me? 

Carin — I came here to aid Mr. Crandall in his work. 

Stevenson — Of converting men into milk sops. 

Carin — That's the usual argument. You would draw 
imaginary lines across a continent, give the inhabitants on 
either side a different language, and a different uniform, 
then order them to kill one another on sight. 

Stevenson — You express nationality in the simplest 
terms. 



38 TERMS OF PEACE 

Carin — In its truest terms. 

Stevenson — The development of a people and their insti- 
tutions, backed up by manly courage, make a nation. The 
men and the institutions that survive do so because they are 
fittest. 

Carin — The egotism of success is now talking. Every- 
body is successful in America. I ran away to Europe to 
escape the echo of it. 

Stevenson — You ran away to Europe, Carin Meredith, 
to escape marriage. 

Carin — You forget, Mr. Stevenson, that I am engaged to 
marry Mr. Crandall. He is here. 

Stevenson — You engaged yourself to him on Thursday, 
the day I arrived in Europe. Shall I tell you why? 

Carin — Suppose you try. 

Stevenson — Because you love me. 

Carin — You forget the respect due the woman who is 
virtually the wife of your host. 

Stevenson — I forget nothing. You once were engaged to 
me. You broke that engagement without cause. You broke 
it in spite of the fact that you love me and I love you. I 
never went after anything in my life that I didn't get. (She 
is held by his eyes as if fascinated, then recovers and backs 
away.) And I never wanted anything in my life so much 
as I want you. (Pascual appears rear.) 

Carin (Seeing Pascual) — Pascual! 

Pascual (Comes down) — Yes, your highness. 

Carin — There is an American church on King William 
street, two blocks from here. 

Pascual — I know where it is, your highness. 

Carin — Go there at once. Get the Rev. Mr. Vedder. 
Tell him that I want to see him. 

Pascual — Yes, madame. (Goes up.) 

Carin — Tell him to come ready to perform a marriage 
ceremony. 

Pascual — Tis done, your supreme graciousness. (Exit 
Pascual rear.) 



TERMS OF PEACE 39 

Carin (T'urning to Stevenson) — There's your answer. 

Stevenson — You are going to marry him now ? 

Carin — When Mr. Crandall goes to St. Petersburg to- 
night, he shall leave me the protection of his name. 

Stevenson — You do not love Crandall. 

Carin — I love the nobility of his life. 

Stevenson — But you don't love the man. 

Carin — I love him enough to marry him. 

Stevenson — There is room in your heart for only one 
man. You cannot forget those hours we spent together 
when you were trying to win me to your cause. You said 
it was the sweetest time of your life. It was the dearest 
time of mine. Your eyes told me that your soul belonged 
to me. They tell it to me now, Carin. (She backs away 
sloivly from him.) See the tears. Just as in the old days. 
You sway. I keep you from falling. {He takes her in his 
arms.) As in the old days 

Carin — Good God ! (She covers her face ivith her hands 
and goes up.) 

Stevenson — You are mine, Carin Meredith. You belong 
to me. 

Carin {Turning quickly) — No {Comes down to table. 

Stevenson is on the other side. She speaks slowly and dis- 
tinctly, placing emphasis on every zvord.) If ever a woman 
hated a man, John Stevenson, I hate you. I hate your suc- 
cess, I hate your life, I hate what you stand for before the 
world. {Enter Crandall L. folloived by Von Hoist.) 

Crandall — The Baron Von Hoist wants to greet you, 
Stevenson. 

Stevenson {Shaking hands ivith Von Hoist) — How do 
you do, Baron? 

Von Holst — I'm glad to see you again, Herr Stevenson. 
{To Carin) — Fraulein Meredith, good evening. {Bowing to 
her.) 

Carin — Good evening, Baron Von Hoist. 

Von Holst {To Stevenson) — Fraulein Meredith is con- 
verting you to her ideas about the pending war, Herr Stev- 
enson! 



40 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson — Her success has been slight. 

Carin — No, Herr Baron, he is just as anxious for main- 
tenance of the war spirit as you are yourself. He has as 
much at stake. 

Von Holst — I'm glad to hear it. War is needed to keep 
the race from becoming enfeebled. 

Crandall — But chiefly is war needed to secure the old 

aristocracy of blood in its special privilege niche in the 
world. 

Carin (Looking significantly at Stevenson) — And to 
guarantee the new aristocracy of money its dividends. 
{Enter Ming followed by Takahari rear.) 

Ming — Count Takahari. 

Von Holst — Takahari here, too? 

Stevenson — This is becoming the rendezvous of the war 
party in the Peace Congress. 

Crandall (To Takahari, bowing) — My dear Count, this 
is an honor. 

Takahari ( With dignity) — 'Tis an honor to be received 
in such noble company. {Bowing slowly.) 

Von Holst — Count Takahari, we were just wondering 
what was the special attraction for the advocates of war in 
this abode of peace. 

Takahari — Peace is such a beautiful ideal, it attracts 
even the warriors who are determined to maintain war to 
achieve it. 

VoN Holst — I'll confess that the Fraulein Meredith was 
the magnet that drew my feet. 

Carin — Are you sure it wasn't Mr. Stevenson that at- 
tracted you both ? ( Von Hoist seems to resent the implica- 
tion. He assumes a stern expression.) 

Stevenson — Why should I draw the Baron Von Hoist 
and Count Takahari here ? 

Carin — Shall I tell you? 

Stevenson — Go ahead. 

Carin {To Stevenson) — You are the most important 
manufacturer of armor plate in the United States. (He 



TERMS OF PEACE 41 

nods.) After you have the ships and the forts of the world 
covered with your armor, it is to your interest to find some- 
thing that will penetrate it — a torpedo! (Von Hoist and 
Takahari register this. She watches the effect.) I am right. 
(To Stevenson) You have found a torpedo. You are here 
making the nations of Europe bid against one another to 
get possession of it. 

Crandall — Are you sure of your facts, Carin? 

Carin — Yes, I am sure. I am also sure that Mr. Steven- 
son has found his proper level. 

Crandall — His proper level ! 

Carin — He is a peddler. 

Crandall — Remember he is my guest. 

Carin — He was the first to forget it. (Enter Pascual 
rear, followed by Sohlov.) 

Pascual (To Carin) — Your highness, the Rev. Mr. Ved- 
der will be here in five minutes. 

Carin — I wish to bid the gentlemen present to remain for 
the marriage ceremony, 

Soblov (Coming down) — Am I included? May I offer 
my congratulations ? 

Crandall — What does this mean, Carin? 

Carin — It means, with your permission, that. before you 
leave tonight for Russia, I shall be your wife. I want the 
protection that position warrants. 

Crandall — You mean it, Carin? (Takes her hands in 
his.) 

VoN HoLST (To Crandall) — You are the only man in the 
world I envy. 

Takahari (To Crandall) — The honorable lady will con- 
fer much honor upon your household. 

Stevenson (To Crandall) — You leave for St. Peters- 
burg soon? (Enter Ming with liquors R.) 

Crandall — At midnight. 

Soblov (With meaning) — You are going to St. Peters- 
burg, Mr. Crandall? 



42 TERMS OF PEACE 

Crandall (Sloivly and zvith emphasis) — At midnight, 
Prince Soblov. 

Stevenson (Goes «/>)— Good-bye. 

Carin (Insinuatingly) — Won't you stay to see the mar- 
riage, Mr. Stevenson? 

Stevenson — Thank you, no. Can you spare Mr. Cran- 
dall for a few seconds; I want to talk to him. (She bozvs 
acquiescence.) 

Carin — Don't keep him long. 

Crandall (To Stevenson) — Fll walk with you as far as 
the gate. Pardon me, gentlemen. I'll be back immediately. 

Stevenson — Good evening. 

SoBLOV — Good-bye. (Exeunt Stevenson and Crandall, 
rear. Soblov gives the peculiar signal with his fingers. Pas- 
cual comes dozvn and busies himself with glasses. He takes 
tray from Ming, ivho protests in Chinese. Takahari says 
something to Ming in Chinese that causes him to zvithdraw. 
Enter Mannie L. He surveys the scene, getting intimatiott 
of correspondence between Soblov and Pascual. Von Hoist 
and Carin are up stage.) 

VoN Holst (Advancing to Takahari) — Count Takahari, 
Miss Meredith suggests that we draw lots for the honor of 
being groomsman at her marriage. 

Takahari — If I win, I shall make a memorial of it as 
the brightest historical event in the annals of the Takahari 
family. 

VoN Holst — If the honor falls to me, I shall consider it 
v/orth a chapter in my memoirs. (During this Soblov has 
been tapping zvine glass with his nails. Pascual has been 
anszvering by tapping tray. Mannie observes the two 
closely. Exit Pascual rear. Soblov looks suspiciously at 
Mannie, who goes up as if going out rear.) 

SoBLOV (To Mannie. It is evident that he wants to keep 
Mannie azvay from Stevenson) — Just a minute, Mr. Secre- 
tary. (Mannie stops.) Mr. Stevenson asked me to have 
you take this document to compare with one you will find 
on the desk in that room. (Leads Mannie R.) 

Mannie (Taking paper) — This? 



TERMS OF PEACE 43 

SoBLOv — Yes, Mr. Secretary. When you read you will 
understand. {He urges Mannie into room R. and doses 
the door. Sohlov turns up and joins Carin, Von Hoist and 
Takahari. Enter Ming with card.) 

Carin {Taking card and reading it.) Show him in. 
{Exit Ming.) The Rev. Mr. Vedder has arrived, gentle- 
men. {Enter Mr. Vedder rear.) 

Carin — I'm glad to see you. {Shakes hands with him.) 
You have met Prince Soblov and Count Takahari and 
Baron Von Hoist. {He bozvs to each. They acknowledge 
the salutation.) 

Soblov {To Carin from near zvindow) — You are fully 
decided to marry Mr. Crandall? 

Carin — I am. When Mr. Crandall was born God leaned 
out of Heaven and breathed into his heart a prayer that has 
become a benediction to the entire race. {Soblov goes near 
zvindozv. A shot is fired off.) What's that? {They all 
rush to zvindow.) 

SoBLOv — A signal of some kind. Wait. {Carin is about 
to go out of window. He holds her back.) Here comes 
some one. 

Carin — Somebody may be injured. I hear cries. 

VoN HoLST {Holding Carin back from zvindow) — Let 
the men look after that. You stay here. {Enter Ming rear.) 

Ming — Mr. Crandall. Pie is shot! 

Carin — My God! 

Ming — Him shot in garden. 

Takahari {In Chinese to Ming) — Shut up, you fool. 

Carin {Going rear) — I must go to him. 

SoBLOv — You'll find that it is a mistake. {Exit Ming L. 
Von Hoist, Carin and Takahari and Soblov go off rear 
quickly. Pascual crawls into room through window. Pas- 
cual crosses to rear. Enter Ming L. He looks at Pascual 
closely.) 

Ming — You here all the time? 

Pascual {Frightened) — Yes, yes. I was in Mr. Cran- 
dall's study. {Exit rear.) 



44 TERMS OF PEACE 

Ming {Lookmg after him) — Maybe. {Ming looks at 
window, then bends down on knees and picks up mud from 
carpet, studies it. Enter Mannie R., who sees Ming rising 
from knees and looking as if he had just entered through 
the windozv. He withdraws R. Enter Takahari and Von 
Hoist and Rev. Vedder rear. Ming goes in alcove, closed 
window and pulls down curtains.) 

Von Holst — We can only wait the decision of the doc- 
tors. {Enter Stevenson rear zvith Soblov.) 

Stevenson — It's the most cowardly thing I've ever 
heard of. 

Von Holst {To Stevenson) — You think he'll die? 

SoBLOV — The doctor announces that his death is only a 
matter of hours. 

Stevenson — It seems impossible. I just left him a sec- 
ond or two before the shot was fired. 

SoBLOv — You are to be congratulated just the same. 

Stevenson — Congratulations over the possible death of 
Mr. Crandall? What do you mean? {Carin appears rear.) 

SoBLOV — It clears the way for you to assume his duties 
as delegate to this Peace Conference at once. 

Stevenson — Do you think I needed to wait for some one 
to shoot him for that? 

VoN Holst — Then you are the delegate! {Shakes Stev- 
enson's hand.) 

Carin {To Stevenson, advancing into room.) You are? 

Stevenson — My credentials are here. {Taps his pocket.) 

Carin — Our suspicions were right. You are for war. 
The people of the United States are for peace. In a final 
test the people are the government. Now when you vote 
in the conference, what government will you represent? 

Stevenson — I shall represent the silent government of 
finance. 

Curtain 

End of Act I 



TERMS OF PEACE 



ACT II 



Scene — Same as Act I. 

Time — The next evening. Mannie and Stevenson are dis- 
covered. Mannie is on his knees near ivindow. 
Stevenson is watching him. 

Mannie — It looked as if Ming was crawling through the 
window just that way. 

Stevenson — But there was no motive for Ming to do the 
shooting. 

Mannie (Rising) — You forget Takahari? 

Stevenson — Less motive than ever. Takahari knew 
Crandall was no longer delegate. 

Mannie — The bullet may have been meant for you. 

Stevenson — Impossible. 

Mannie — Now you're on the ground, you must agree 
that nothing's impossible to the war party. 

Stevenson (With suggestion of impatience) — But I'm 
one of that party. 

Mannie — ^And the strongest one. Don't forget that. 
{Pause.) 

Stevenson — ^Well, where are you leading? 

Mannie — To the torpedo. Takahari may think he stands 
no show to buy it and if you die the secret of manufactur- 
ing it will die with you. 

Stevenson {Doubtfully) — That might be. What have 
the police done? 

Mannie — Surrounded the house and talked Dutch to one 
another in relays. Why they don't know their own names. 

45 



46 TERMS OF PEACE 

I'm sure they don't know ours. I was saluted as Herr Stev- 
enson as I came in just now. 

Stevenson — We must clear this murder up ourselves. 
Wire Scotland Yard for a detective. Get Takahari here 
first. I'll try him out. 

Mannie — Takahari is on the way. (Enter Pascual L. 
with box of papers that he proceeds to lay on table. They 
zvatch him.) 

Stevenson (To Pascual) — Where were you when Mr. 
Crandall was shot? 

Pascual (After a moment of hesitation) — In the blue 
room, your honor, closing the windows. 

Stevenson — That's on this side of the house, isn't it? 
(hidicating R.) 

Mannie — It adjoins this room on the north. 

Stevenson (To Pascual) — If you were closing the win- 
dows, you saw the man run this way after the shot was 
fired! 

Pascual (Off his guard) — No, he ran away from the 
house out of the garden. 

Stevenson — Oh, you did see someone? What did he 
look like? 

Pascual (Nonplussed) — Why, it vvas so dark, your 
honor. 

Stevenson — Can't you give any idea ?. Was he tall ? 

Pascual — No, not tall, your highness. 

Mannie — Did he wear European clothes? 

Pascual (Craftily) — It might be he had on a robe. 

Mannie — Chinese ? 

Pascual — Perhaps. 

Stevenson — Then you'd have said a woman did it. 

Pascual — No, it was a man, your highness. 

Stevenson (Emphatically) — ^Wearing a Chinese robe, 
he'd have looked in the dim light of the garden like a 
woman. 



TERMS OF PEACE 47 

Pascual — It was a man, your worship. And he wore a 
robe. (Goes toivards door L.) 

Mannie— Oh, would you mind letting Count Takahari in 
when he calls. 

Stevenson (To Pascual) — You'd better take charge of 
our visiting list until we are settled. Let no one in you don't 
know personally. (Exit Stevenson R.) 

Pascual — It shall be as you command, your honor. (Exit 
L. Enter Ming rear.) 

Ming (Announcing) — Mrs. Pierson. 

Mannie^ — Miss Meredith's sister. (Goes R. then turns 
to Ming at door) — Is Mrs. Pierson's daughter with her?" 

Ming — She is. (Enter Mrs. Pierson rear. Mannie 
glances at her quickly, and ejcits R. Delphine enters rear. 
Enter Carin L. She exes and kisses Mrs. Pierson and Del- 
phine.) 

Mrs. Pierson — How terrible, sister ! 

Carin — Yes, terrible is the word. We'll talk it over later. 
(To Ming) — Tell Mr. Stevenson that I am ready to go, and 
will turn over the documents of the office to him in a few 
minutes. We'll check them off here. 

Ming — Yes, madame. (Exit Ming R.) 

Mrs. Pierson (To Carin) — We came right back as soon 
as we heard. 

Carin — Thank you. 

Delphine (Goes to Carin with shozv of affection) — I'm 
so sorry for you, auntv. 

Carin — Thank you, Delphine. I gave orders to pack 
your things so we can leave at once. Mr. Stevenson is in a 
great hurry to get possession. 

Mrs. Pierson — Not John Stevenson? (Carin nods ac- 
quiescence.) 

Delphine — He's a horrid thing. He's always bobbing 
up to interfere. 

Carin (Quickly) — You mustn't speak that way about 
him. 



48 TERMS OF PEACE 

Delphine {Looking quizzically at her) — Oh, is that so? 
And I thought all along you hated him! 

Carin {To Mrs. Pierson) — Let us get ready to go. {Exit 

Delphine — I think she'd better go after that. 

Mrs. Pierson — What do you mean, child? 

Delphine — Do you know, you're getting so simple, 
mother, I can't trust you out of my sight. 

Mrs. Pierson — Don't talk nonsense. 

Delphine — Didn't you see how she flared up when I 
said that little nothing about Mr. Stevenson? 

Mrs. Pierson — Well? 

Delphine — Well. There's only one answer to it. 

Mrs. Pierson — What is it? 

Delphine — She's in love with him. 

Mrs. Pierson — How you go on! You know more about 
affairs of the heart than I ever did. 

Delphine — No wonder. I began where you left off. 

Mrs. Pierson — You'd better leave off before I begin — • 
again. 

Delphine — Don't threaten me with a stepfather. 

Mrs. Pierson {Going L.) — I've a notion to marry some- 
one that will keep you in your place. {Exit L. Enter Man- 
nie R.) 

Delphine {Calling after her) — If you do, I'll elope with 
him. 

Mannie — Did you mention my name? 

Delphine {To Mannie) — You? 

Mannie — Glad as if you saw your own funeral, aren't 
you? 

Delphine — Don't you know my mother's here? 

Mannie — It's your mother's daughter that keeps mc 
guessing. 



TERMS OF PEACE 49 

Delphine — How ever did you get away from America? 
And how did you get here? You didn't break into the 
house, did you? (Enter Pascual rear with bundle of docu- 
ments, which he lays on table. Mannie goes over and looks 
through them with business-like air.) 

Mannie {To Pascual) — Bring the others later. I want 
to check these off now. 

Pascual (Going rear) — It shall be as you command, your 
highness. (Mannie sits and sorts over the papers indifferent 
to Delphine, ivho stands watching him.) 

Delphine — Well, I never! 

Mannie (With dignity) — I beg your pardon, Miss. Were 
you speaking? 

Delphine (Disarranges papers on table) — What's the 
meaning of all this ? 

Mannie (Fearfully) — Don't touch those. 

Delphine (Starting back) — What are they? 

Mannie (Indicates documents) — They are the tail 
feathers of the Dove of Peace. 

Delphine — Look as if they'd just been plucked. What 
have you to do v/ith them? What have you to do with 
this place ? Why did Pascual bow before you and take your 
commands? Why did he call you "your highness"? 

Mannie — Oh — (Indifferently) That — well (Looking 
through papers) That, you see — it's this way. I rather like 
being called "your highness." Sort of fits in with my person- 
ality. (Engrossed with document.) 

Delphine — Oh, you — (Snatching documents from him 
and stamping her foot.) 

Mannie (Indifferently picking up document) — Um — 
no — that's wrong. I'll change that. This one, too. Your 
punctuation marks are all wrong. Plenty of periods, but 
no full stop. 

Delphine — Stop this nonsense. Why are you here? 
What are you doing? What's your office? 

Mannie — I am a true patriot. 

Delphine — For a living? What else have you been do- 
ing since I saw you? 



50 TERMS OF PEACE 

Mannie — Nothing. 

Delphine — Innocent ! 

Mannie — Cross my heart. I'm really here because I 
wouldn't do something. 

Delphine — ^What ? 

Man nie — Marry. 

Delphine — Who ? 

Mannie — Janet Craden. 

Delphine — That cat? 

Mannie — Janet's a nice girl. 

Delphine {Huffed) — Why don't you marry her? 

Mannie {Indifferently) — Oh, I may. 

Delphine — She has scads of money. 

Mannie — Come to think of it, she does resemble a bank 
roll. A nice fat one. 

Delphine — Well, why don't you marry her? 

Mannie — Shall I tell you? 

Delphine {Assuming indifference) — I don't care. 

Mannie — I'll tell you, anyhow. I didn't marry her be- 
cause I'm in love with someone else. 

Delphine — What has love to do with it? 

Mannie — Just this. {Kisses her.) 

Delphine — What will mamma say? 

Mannie — Are you going to take her into your confidence? 

Delphine — I always do. 

Mannie — Under similar circumstances? 

Delphine — Under exactly similar circumstances. 

Mannie {Quickly) — Oh, then you've had some experi- 
ence of the same nature? 

Delphine {Deliberately) — Of exactly the same nature. 
Do you think I'm an amateur? 



TERMS OF PEACE 51 

Mannie (Throws documents down and shows that he is 
angry) — ^That's what you meant when you spoke of eloping 
a minute ago. 

Delphine — Well, suppose it is? 

Mannie (Towering over her) — Who is the man? 

Delphine — That's right, strike me. 

Mannie — I will not. 

Delphine — Then don't. Though I expect it from you. 
You're with the military party. Liable to hit anyone just 
to see him fall. 

Mannie — I am. We need wars ! You understand, wars ! 
There are too many people in the world. 

Delphine — Horrors ! 

Mannie — Too many women, especially. 

Delphine — When you stopped my runaway horse in 
Central Park I thought you were just a nice movie leading 
man. 

Mannie — I want to play all parts. I entered this branch 
of activity so I could learn character. You know my range, 
from light comedian to heavy old man. I have all my make- 
up wigs and everything with me. 

Carin — As long as you're for war why not play the part 
of a butcher ! 

Mannie — Wait! Butcher! Did you say butcher? 
(Changing) As a matter of cold-blooded fact, I am dead 
set against the military party. I think war should be abol- 
ished. 

Delphine (Taking opposite position) — Is that so? Well, 
I think war is just splendid. We ought to have a new war 
every week. Just think how grand the soldiers look on 
parade. 

Mannie — That's right. I forgot. Women always fall 
for a uniform. That's what keeps the military bunk going. 

Delphine — Well, why not?' 

Mannie — I know )'-ou're going to elope with some cheap 
little whipper-snapper with gold braid on his sleeve. 

Delphine (Mischievously) — How did you ever guess it? 



52 TERMS OF PEACE 

Mannie — All right, I'm through. 

Voice {Off) — Delphine! {They look at one another.) 

Delphine {To Mannie) — It's about time. 

Mannie — That's your mother calling? 

Delphine {Exes L) — I'm going right now to tell her you 
stole a kiss from me. 

Mannie — Heavens, don't. 

Delphine — I will, unless you give it right back. 

Mannie — Wait a minute. {Going to her. He almost has 
Delphine in his arms. Enter Mrs. Pierson L. Mannie 
keeps on ivalking past Delphine zuith indifference. Mrs. 
Pierson zvatches him. Exit Mannie L.) 

Mrs. Pierson — Wasn't that your Central Park hero? 

Delphine {Innocently) — Who do you mean, Mamma? 

Mrs. Pierson — You know very weW whom I mean. The 
scamp of an actor that scared your horse so it ran away. 

Delphine {Snapping) — He didn't. 

Mrs. Pierson — Then chased you, and rescued you, and — 

Delphine — That's all he did. 

Mrs. Pierson — Kept on chasing you so he could rescue 
your fortune. 

Delphine — You don't give my fatal attractiveness any 
credit at all. 

Mrs. Pierson — I know him. He's just an ordinary for- 
tune hunter. 

Delphine — Does an ordinary fortune hunter turn up his 
nose at a fat one? 

Mrs. Pierson — Fat what? 

Delphine — Fortune. And female to go with it. 

Mrs. Pierson — He wouldn't. 

Delphine — Pie did. 

Mrs, Pierson — Who? 

Delphine — Janet Craden, 



TERMS OF PEACE 53 

Mrs. Pierson — Lucky for her. You introduced him to 
Janet, didn't you? 

Delphine — I did. To put your theory to the test. All 
the Craden family just went wild to have him marry Janet. 

AIrs. Pierson — Fools. They accepted him socially at 
your valuation. 

Delphine — Oh no, they accepted him on Janet's. She 
thought him some Prince out of the Arabian Nights, cause 
she had seen him play in "Kismet." 

Mrs. Pierson — You think something similar. I'm very 
glad Carin is through here so I'll be at liberty to take you 
away. 

Delphine (With mock seriousness) — I'm afraid he'll 
follow us. 

Mrs. Pierson— You're afraid he won't. For that reason 
you'll send the address. {Enter Mannie rear. He comes 
down to the table. Mrs. Pierson looks at him through 
lorgnette.) Evidently the clerk wishes to use the room, Del- 
phine. We'd better go. (Exes L.) 

Delphine (Innocently. To Mannie.) — Do you wish to 
use this room, Mr. Clerk? (Enter Pascual imth Ming R. 
Ming goes to table with documents.) 

Mannie (To Pascual) — Would you kindly show the la- 
dies through the building, Pascual? And, oh, yes, send 
word to Cook's that the House of Peace is closed to visitors. 
(Delphine registers enjoyment.) 

Mrs. Pierson — Who is this person, Pascual? 

Mannie (To Pascual with command) — The ladies are 
waiting for you, Pascual. Take them away. 

Pascual — Yes, your highness. 

Delphine — Come, Mamma. He's simply awful when he's 
cross. (Exit Pascual, Delphine and Mrs. Pierson. Enter 
Stevenson R. zvith bundle of documents and bundle of red 
tape.) 

Stevenson (To Ming) — Here, Ming, I want you to make 
neat bundles of all the documents. 

Ming (Beginning to tie the documents ivith the tape) — 
Yes, sir. 



54 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson (Signs to Mannie to zvatch Ming) — Do you 
recollect just where you were when Mr. Crandall was shot? 

Ming — I Avas upstairs. 

Stevenson — Didn't you see anyone through a window, 

say? 

Ming — Not look through window. 

Mannie — Did anyone see you? 

Ming — Nobody see me, I see nobody. I hear nothing, I 
see nothing, I know nothing. {Enter Pascual rear.) 

Pascual — Count Takahari. 

Stevenson {To Pascual, after significant look at Mannie) 
— Tell him Fll see him in the blue room. You keep on Ming. 
{Exit Stevenson rear. Mannie hides hack of curtains at 
recess. Ming after hasty look around extracts document 
from bundle and hides it in blouse. Mannie appears from 
behind curtain. Ming takes another document from one of 
the bundles and slips it in blouse.) 

Mannie {Coming to table) — Hadn't you better sit down, 
Ming ? ( Pushes chair over. Ming sits. Mannie stands be- 
hind Ming and watches him.) 

Ming — Very kind. 

Mannie — Would you like to stay on and work for Mr. 
Stevenson ? 

Ming — Very much. Mr. Stevenson delegate to Peace 
Congress. He take all these papers over. 

Mannie — Well he'll take over what's left of them. I'll 
tell him that you want to stay on. Shall I? 

Ming — Very kind. 

Mannie (Toying with end of Ming's queue) — Not at all. 
Of course there are a few little things. Concessions, you 
know. Things you must give up before you get the job. 

Ming — I knovv^, liken. All same graft. How much? 

Mannie (Wrapping end of queue around back of chair 
and tying it) — Oh, we won't split hairs over that, {(roes to 
other side of table and faces Ming, who still ties up the 
papers.) It will all depend on how much you get for the 
information. 



TERMS OF PEACE 55 

Ming (Quickly) — Information? What information? 
Mannie — The letters you just stole from this bundle. 

Ming (Jumping to his feet) — You say I stole letters? 
(When he jumps, the queue which is tied to chair comes' 
off, showing Ming to he a Japanese.) 

Mannie — I meant hair. You've lost your queue. 

Ming — You Yankee pig! (Ming takes queue from hack 
of chair and rushes at Mannie. They struggle towards re- 
cess. Mannie is home back, hut recovers and hears Ming 
to floor. He snatches queue from Ming and zvraps it around 
his throat and pulls it until Ming is senseless, then drags 
Ming to recess and is seen exchanging clothes with him. 
Enter Takahari rear. Mannie zvraps handkerchief around 
face and enters.) 

Takahari (Quickly) — What's wrong? ( Mannie mak- 
ing signs that his jaw is szvollen and makes gutteral sounds. 
He hands two documents to Takahari. Takahari glances at 
them.) Good. Now, who fired the shot? You must find 
out. If Stevenson did it, the torpedo belongs to Japan 
without spending a yen. 

Mannie — Sh — (He disappears quickly in recess. Enter 
Stevenson rear.) 

Stevenson^ — Pardon me for keeping you waiting, Count. 
My secretary made a mistake in the room. 

Takahari — I am much honored for being privileged to 
wait for you, Mr. Stevenson. 

Stevenson — ^Won't you sit down? (They sit.) 

Takahari — Of course you know why I imposed mysell 
on your honorable privacy at this hour. 

Stevenson — The torpedo? 

Takahari — You are right, as is your habit, Mr. Steven- 
son. War will be declared very soon. Japan wants to be 
ready. 

Stevenson — Well, the torpedo is for sale. 

Takahari — How much? 

Stevenson — Ten million dollars. 

Takahari — You will permit a brief investigation? 



56 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson — None whatever. Your government must 
purchase it on the strength of the official tests already made. 
You must judge by the results. The time is too short be- 
fore fighting begins. 

Takahari — With your honorable permission we should 
like to see it manufactured. 

Stevenson — A great many people would like to see it 
manufactured. When the money is paid, I'll teach the secret 
of making the torpedo, not before. {Enter Pascual followed 
by Von Hoist rear.) 

Pascual — Pardon, your highness. I thought you were 
in the blue room. 

Stevenson — It's all right, Pascual. (Exit Pascual.) 
Glad to see you, Baron Von Hoist. 

VoN Holst — I am happy to meet you. (Shaking Steven- 
son's hand.) And you, too. Count Takahari. (Takahari 
has risen.) You are not going? (Takahari bows.) 

Takahari — Yes, Baron Von Hoist, I just called to ex- 
tend my congratulations to the honorable successor of the 
honorable Mr. Crandall. Good evening. (Goes tip.) 

Stevenson — Good evening. Count Takahari. (Exit Tak- 
ahari rear.) 

VoN HoLST (Looks after Takahari dubiously) — Remem- 
ber, Stevenson, these new people that sprang up over night 
in the far Pacific, are the Greeks bearing gifts of destruc- 
tion to our civilization. 

Stevenson — Unless I am mistaken. Baron, you are here 
now to secure one of my personal gifts of destruction. 

VoN Holst — I am here to buy, Mr. Stevenson. 

Stevenson — Takahari also wants to buy. 

VoN HoLST — You don't seem to grasp my meaning. 

Stevenson — Very clearly, Herr Baron. You say in es- 
sence : "Don't sell your torpedo to the Japanese. They might 
use it to hurt us." 

VoN HoLST — They would use it to destroy European 
civilization. 

Stevenson — I have no sentimentalities about European 
civilization. If Japan pays me my price, the torpedo will 
go to Tokio. 



TERMS OF PEACE 57 

Von Holst — You wouldn't use the yellow peril as a 
factor in our bargaining? 

Stevenson — Now look here, Baron Von Hoist, I have a 
torpedo that has almost human intelligence. By means of 
a certain ray discovered by me, it can be guided anywhere 
within a radius of twenty miles on land or sea, against any 
fort or any ship. I offered it to Japan for ten million dol- 
lars. Do you raise me? 

VoN Holst — Then you do use the Japanese as a factor? 
You know that race is beyond the pale. Their culture is 
not our culture. 

Stevenson — I'm not going to haggle about cultures or 
the people that developed them. I'm now a salesman, pure 
and simple. 

Von Holst — It is money, pure and simple — money. 

Stevenson — Right. i 

Von Holst — What's your lowest figure? 

Stevenson — As much as I can get over ten millions. 

Von Holst — I want an option at ten million dollars. 

Stevenson — There shall be no option. The torpedo goes 
to the first person that brings a certified check for ten mil- 
lion dollars. In three seconds he can have in his possession 
the documents containing the secret of the torpedo. Like 
all great inventions it is very simple. 

Von Holst — But that's hardly business-like, do you 
think ? 

Stevenson — The torpedo has been on the market fully 
tested for six months. You have all been waiting to see how 
this vote on war or no war would go before buying it. Now 
that war is inevitable you all want it. 

Von Holst — You seem to forget that you and I are in 
agreement about the horrors of peace. 

Stevenson — I don't forget it. But, also, I don't forget 
that during the agitation for disarmament my factories were 
compelled to shut down. 

Von Holst — You can't expect me to sympathize with 
business reverses. 



58 TERMS OF PEACF 

Stevenson — I don't want your sympathy at all, Baron 
Von Hoist. I have no use for sympathy. I want you to 
know, however, that it cost the manufacturers of war ma- 
terial in the United States seven million dollars to throttle 
the peace movement there. (Enter Pascual rear.) 

Pascual {To Stevenson) — Sir Edward Graham craves 
to be permitted to see you. 

Stevenson — Send him in. {Exit Pascual rear.) 

VoN HoLST — I don't want to meet the Englishman here. 

Stevenson — He's one of the genuine peace advocates, 
isn't he? 

Von Holst — Well, before you came he was. Do you 
mind if I go out this way? {Goes L.) 

Stevenson — Not at all. 

VoN Holst {Turning at door) — You'll find the English 
delegate very charming. And a good man at a bargain. 
Promise you won't sell the torpedo until you hear from me. 

Stevenson — I promise. {Exit Von Hoist L. Enter Gra- 
ham rear, escorted by Pascual.) 

Graham — Good afternoon, Stevenson. 

Stevenson {Shaking hands) — Very glad to see you. Sir 
Edward. 

Graham — I have called to ask you some questions about 
your latest engine of destruction. 

Stevenson — My torpedo? I have made public all the 
data possible until it is sold. 

Graham — I was in hopes that I could persuade you not 
to sell it, Stevenson. I know what it can do. 

Stevenson — Glad to hear you know something of the 
technique of my little pacifier. 

Graham — Yes. I know your little pacifier can kill as 
many peasants or fishermen as can be crowded into a fortress 
or battleship. 

Stevenson — Well ? 

Graham — It can add to the fictitious glory of a number of 
gentlemen who sit comfortably in their offices wearing high 
hats and frock coats. 



TERMS OF PEACE 59 

Stevenson — Anything else? 

Graham — It can make profits for you. 

Stevenson — There you've said all that need be said. 

Graham — Do you know, Stevenson, I think that the mis- 
sion of America is to tear the mask of glorified hypocrisy 
from the face of war. You reduce militarism to terms of 
dollars and cents. 

Stevenson — War was never anything else but a struggle 
over dollars and cents. Do you want to buy my torpedo? 

Graham — Personally, if I had the m.oney I should pur- 
chase it and destroy it and its secret forever. 

Stevenson — My price is ten million dollars, to be paid 
at once. 

Graham — Ten million? May I request you not to sell 
it until you hear from me again? 

Stevenson — You'll have to hurry. You Englishmen have 
fallen into the easy habit of thinking that the universe will 
wait your convenience. My torpedo goes to the first that 
planks down the change. We are in for a war, Graham. 
You'll have to act quickly to beat the thunder of the guns. 

Graham — I believe you are right. War is merely a mat- 
ter of hours now. That's why I have put aside, by this 
visit, my conviction that the world had arrived at a sane, 
normal, man-to-man way of dealing with international prob- 
lems. I see how impossible that ideal is so long as the 
freemasonry of destruction is allowed to persist. 

Stevenson — Freemasonry of destruction? 

Graham — That is the web and woof of a cold, calculating 
patriotism. That is why the Hun is at the gate. All the 
institutions built up by a plodding, inefficient, but kindly and 
tolerant democracy will go down before the oncoming mili- 
tary machine driven by an autocrat. And all because this 
freemasonry of destruction, which is the archenemy of free, 
institutions, has its ramifications everywhere. The question 
you have to ask yourself is this : "Are you going to allow 
your torpedo to become an integral part of the paraphernalia 
of terror?" 

Stevenson — My torpedo goes to the first comer with the 
cnsh. The people of Europe want war; I am not going to 



60 TERMS OF PEACE 

stop them. If they didn't want it, they would wipe out this 
freemasonry of destruction of yours in a day, with all its 
secret treaties and its hidden, treacherous diplomacy. Do 
you know why they want war? 

Graham — I have spent some time trying to find out. 

Stevenson — Each national group is impelled toward war 
by a sort of divine egoism, back of which is the dominating 
desire for loot. You Englishmen, with your far-flung em- 
pire of self-governing units, are the greatest egoists of all. 
You think that because any given question is settled for you, 
it becomes automatically settled for the rest of mankind. 
Because you find easy pickings on every shore of the Seven 
Seas, and are well fed in consequence, you imagine that no 
one in the world should complain of hunger. 

Graham — You are a gross materialist. Your sense of 
national morality is atrophied. 

Stevenson — National morality stops at the water's edge. 
After that it becomes the cant of statesmen to cover a hid- 
den design of aggression. 

Graham — I have muddled through so far with an entirely 
different conception. 

Stevenson — The days of successful muddling are over. 
A hammer is being forged in Fate's blacksmith shop for 
muddlers that v/ill beat them to their knees. 

Graham — Once on my knees, I'll pray to the God of my 
fathers for you, Stevenson. I'll pray that your eyes may 
be opened, your heart softened. (Enter Carin L.) 

Carin— Pardon me. (Is about to return L.) 

Stevenson (To Carin) — Don't leave us, please. 

Graham — I'm sorry you weren't here earlier. Miss Mere- 
dith. 

Carin — Yes? 

Graham — You would have learned that we, in our dream 
of universal democratic control of the war spirit, were living 
a truth that time has turned to lies. Good-bye. 

Carin — Good-bye. (Exit Graham, rear. Carin follovus 
him to door, and looks after him. Enter Mannie from re- 
cess. ) 



TERMS OF PEACE 61 

Mannie (Crossing to Stevenson quickly) — We are on 
the wrong track. Takahari had no hand in the killing of 
Crandall. 

Stevenson — Sh — 

Carin (Coming down) — I'm very glad you have a few- 
minutes to spare, Mr. Stevenson. 

Stevenson — I am always at your service, Carin. 

Carin — Thank you. I'll detain you just long enough to 
comply with the usual formalities incident to turning the 
office over to you. 

Stevenson — That can wait. Why not keep on as before? 
Now your sister and niece are here you. . . . 

Carin — Thank you, no. 

Stevenson — It will take my secretary some time to learn 
all the ins and outs of the office. 

Carin — I wish to leave at once. 

Mannie — It will take only a few days until I get the 
routine. 

Carin — It is my intention to leave within the hour. 

Stevenson — You can't run off that way. (To Mannie) 
Get that large portfolio on my desk. I want to ask some 
questions about its contents. (To Carin) We can't be left 
in the dark about everything. (Ming's head appears at al- 
cove. He is dressed in blouse, and has his Chinese wig on.) 

Mannie (Seeing Ming) — Come along, Ming, and help 
me. 

Ming (In halting dazed fashion) — What's matter? (Feels 
head and throat.) 

Mannie (Putting arm through Ming's) — You've been 
dreaming, Ming. Wake up. (Exeunt Ming and Mannie L.) 

Carin (Exes L.) — I'll go and instruct your secretary 
just what the portfolio contains. 

Stevenson (Interrupting her) — Don't go, please. I want 
to ask you what has been done about trying to capture the 
assassin of Mr. Crandall. 

Carin — That matter is in the hands of the American 
Consul. 



62 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson — Is there anyone you suspect? 

Carin — No one. 

Stevenson — You don't seem over-anxious. 

Carin — Possibly I have become reconciled to the methods 
of the war party. 

Stevenson — But this is murder. 

Carin — Well, you justify murder, don't you? Militarists 
do automatically. 

Stevenson — I stand for war. That's different. 

Carin — When one man is killed, it's murder. When a 
thousand or a hundred thousand are killed, it's war. Per- 
sonally I can see no difference. 

Stevenson — I'll not follow the argument. My one wish 
is that we be friends. 

Carin — You lost your opportunity, Mr. Stevenson, in this 
room — yesterday. 

Stevenson — Let me ask forgiveness. Crandall forgave 
me the hatred I confessed I felt. 

Carin (With touch of surprise) — You hated Mr. Cran- 
dall? 

Stevenson — As I would hate any man that would come 
between us. 

Carin (Watching him curiously) — You actually hated 
him ? 

Stevenson — I did, for a minute. What strikes me as 
strange is the coincidence that Fate should remove him 
within the hour I learned he had won you. 

Carin — You think Fate was fighting on your side? 

Stevenson — Oh, no. If Fate had been fighting on my 
side, you'd never have broken off our engagement. We 
would be married by now, 

Carin (Interrupting him) — I will not hear another word. 
You took advantage yesterday of a temporary weakness. 
Today ! Well, it's different. 

Stevenson — What are you going to do? 



TERMS OF PEACE 63 

Carin — I am going back to America. 

Stevenson — You think you will put the barrier of the 
ocean between us? Pascual and Sohlov appear rear. Soh- 
lov signals for Pascual to leave. Pascual exits without be- 
ing seen by Carin or Stevenson.) 

SoBLOV (Entering rear) — Pardon me. Do I intrude? 
(Looks from one' to the other.) 

Carin (Joyously) — Why, no, not at all. On the con- 
trary, Prince Soblov. 

SoBLOV (To Stevenson, with cunning sneer) — Then I am 
not sorry I made a mistake. Your man said I should find 
you in the blue room. Isn't this it? 

Carin (Shaking head) — No. 

Stevenson — One is permitted to be color blind on occa- 
sion. (Going towards door L and turning handle.) 

SoBLOv (Bozving to Stevenson) — Thank you. Don't 
leave us, Mr. Stevenson. I want to see you. 

Stevenson (Turning) — Yes? Anything particular? 

SoBLOV — Very particular. I want to warn you. 

Stevenson — Warn me? About what? 

SoBLOV — Your life is in danger. 

Carin ( With anxiety, thereby betraying her genuine feel- 
ing for Stevenson) — His life! (The men pause and look 
at her. She proceeds with touch of embarrassment.) Why 
.... what is wrong? 

SoBLOV (To Carin) — I am afraid it would affect you too 
much to know. 

Carin — I insist on knowing. (She turns and sees Steven- 
son zvatching her, then speaks lightly.) Of course, if you 
don't wish to tell me, Prince Soblov, there is no harm done. 
You see, in addition to being a fellow human being, Mr. 
Stevenson is one of our representative Americans. I am 
still national enough in feeling to be interested. You un- 
derstand . . 

SoBLOV (With meaning) — ^Yes, I understand. 

Carin (Laughing to cover her real feelings) — Pm so 
glad. I'll go now. I'll leave you and Mr. Stevenson to 



64 TERMS OF PEACE 

talk this matter over. Then come back. You see, I don't 
want to hear a word about it — not a word. (Exit R.) 

SoBLOV (Going to all doors, opening them, looking out, 
then closing them) — Do you mind? 

Stevenson — Not at all. I like privacy. 

SoBLOV— If we work in harmony, Mr. Stevenson, we can 
both make a good bargain. 

Stevenson — Bargain ! You are using the language I can 
understand. But is this what you want to warn me about? 
Does my life hang on making a bargain? 

SoBLOV — It does. 
Stevenson — Indeed ! Go on. 

SoBLOV — You personally own and control this new tor- 
pedo? 

Stevenson — I am the inventor. I alone know its mech- 
anism. 

SoBLOV — You have always confined yourself to armor 
plate heretofore, for ships and steel coverings for forts. 

Stevenson — At home we call that working both ends 
against the middle. I build the house, then find a new way 
to set fire to it. 

SoBLOV — Very good. But my government paid your com- 
pany very well for armor plate, because it was impenetrable. 

Stevenson — There was no guarantee given that some- 
thing would NOT be invented to penetrate it. 

SoBLOV — When your new torpedo is sold, you will at once 
try to make armor plate that it cannot penetrate. 

Stevenson — I am on the track of such an improvement 
right now. 

SoBLOV — One might call that the vicious circle. Where 
is it going to stop ? 

Stevenson — Come now. Prince Soblov, we understand 
one another. You don't want it stopped any more than I do. 
I know it. 

SoBLOV — You do ? 

Stevenson — If it ever stopped you would be worse ofif 
than most men. Armor plate, guns, torpedoes, armies and 



TERMS OF PEACE 65 

army officers create war. War creates jobs for kings, cour- 
tiers, generals, diplomats (Pause) and peace envoys. 

SoBLOV — You are very cynical. 

Stevenson — Merely truthful. If your country wants this 
torpedo you will have to bid against the other nations that 
are burdened as she is with military caste. 

SoBLOv — Leave my country out of the discussion. We 
are going to deal for this torpedo man to man. 

Stevenson — Oh, a personal purchase! 

SoBLOV — Yes, a personal purchase. 

Stevenson — Very good. I have been offered ten million 
dollars for the secret of its manufacture. I'll warrant it 
to float in the air or on the water. It will. go straight to 
any battleship or fort within a radius of twenty miles, and 
put them out of business. 

SoBLOV — You were offered ten million dollars ? 

Stevenson — Do you offer more? 

SoBLOv — I do. 

Stevenson— You're my man. 

SoBLOV — I offer you silence. 

Stevenson — What ? 

SoBLOV — I offer you silence. 

Stevenson (As if about to go out of room) — This is a 
serious question. When you are in a serious mood, I'll 
take it up with you, 

SoBLOV — I am serious, Mr. Stevenson. When I offer you 
silence in exchange for your torpedo, I am offering you your 
life. 

Stevenson — You may talk English, but you think in a 
language I don't quite get. 

SoBLOV (Comes close to Stevenson) — I'll make myself 
clear. Who fired the shot at Mr. Crandall? 

Stevenson — Oh, that's it? 

SoBLOV — An American-made revolver was found in the 
garden. One chamber was empty. It still smelled of smoke. 



66 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson— Well, Europe is full of American-made re- 
volvers. . 

SoBLOV — Who went out of this room with Mr. Crandall 
ten minutes before he died? 

Stevenson — I did. 

SoBLOV — You were seen by two witnesses leave Mr. Cran- 
dall in the garden, {Pause) after a quarrel with him. 

Stevenson — So that's the game. What else? 

SoBLOV — You were seen to turn and whip out a revolver 
and fire. 

Stevenson {Quietly) — Of course, the nationality of those 
two witnesses is the same as yours? 

SoBLOv — It is. But what has that to do with it? 

Stevenson — Oh, nothing. Only little details like that 
help out where it's a frame-up. Well, understand once for 
all. Prince Soblov, that I won't make the least concession 
to a blackmailer. Mr. Crandall and I were good friends. 
There was no motive for me to kill him. 

SoBLOV — No motive ! At your trial it will be shown that 
you had him removed from the position of Peace Envoy on 
the very eve of a vote to forbid this war. He gave his life 
to peace ; you were on the side of militarism. You defeated 
him ; it made you enemies. 

Stevenson — I stood for militarism right out in the open, 
not as a damned hypocrite like yourself. 

SoBLOV — This is not going to be reduced to bickering be- 
tween us. I'm giving you the motive for the murder of 
Mr. Crandall. 

Stevenson — The motive you give wouldn't carry enough 
weight in court to attract the judge's attention. 

SoBLOV — Then I'll give the real motive. 

Stevenson — Oh, after you've given the motive, you'll 
give the real motive. 

SoBLOV — Yes. Jealousy. 

Stevenson — Jealousy ! ! 

SoBLOV — You love Carin Meredith. 



TERMS OF PEACE 67 

Stevenson (Threateningly) — Keep her name out of this. 

SoBLOV — ^You came here and learned that she was goin^ 
to marry Mr. Crandall. In this very room you forced your 
attentions on her. You seized her in your arms. 

Stevenson (Jumps at Sohlov and grabs him by the 
throat) — Damn you. 

SoBLOV (Crying aloud) — Help! Help! (Carin enters 
hurriedly R.) 

Carin — What is it? (Stevenson sees her and lets Soblov 
go.) What does it mean? 

SoBLOV — He would murder me as he murdered Mr. Cran- 
dall. 

Carin — Murder ! Great God ! Is it possible ! 

SoBLOv (To Carin) — He told you there was nothing he 
wouldn't do to get you. 

Carin — No, I'll never believe it. 

Stevenson (Advancing toivards her) — I knew you 
wouldn't, Carin. 

Carin (Horrified, drawing away from him) — Keep away 
from me. That good old man. I brought his death on him. 
I didn't love him. He didn't love me. Our engagement 
was — Our engagement was — 

Stevenson — Yes, I know, it was a foil ; a barrier be- 
tween us. 

Carin (Half to herself) — It brought his death about — 
It cannot be! No, no. 

SoBLOv — I'll prove that it did. 

Carin (To Soblov) — You can prove it? 

SoBLOV — Come with me and I shall. (She goes up.) 

Stevenson — No, Carin. For God's sake, don't go. Give 
me a chance. Let's fight this out in the open. I am ready 
to go into the courts. 

SoBLOV — You'll have your day in court, Stevenson. It 
will be a brief one. The evidence against you is over- 
whelming. (To Carin) I have witnesses who saw him fire 
the shot. (Enter Pascual rear.) 



68 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson (Indicating Pascual) — Is this one of them? 

SOBLOV — It is. 

Stevenson {To Carin) — The other is also a spy in his 
pay. He is holding this charge over my head to blackmail 
me into giving him the secret of my torpedo. 

Carin {To Pascual., excitedly) — Where were you when 
Mr. Crandall was killed ? Were you in the garden ? Were 
you close enough to see — to see Mr. Stevenson? 

Pascual {Doubtfully watching Soblov) — I — I — Go — 
{Sohlov strikes eyeglass case with finger nails, and gives 
signal to Pascual. Stevenson watches Soblov.) 

Carin {To Pascual) — Where did you go? Where were 
you when the shot was fired? 

Pascual {Shoiving that he is paying attention to the 
sic/nal) — I will tell what I know when the time comes. 
{Exit R.) 

SoBLOV — He will have much to tell. {Enter Mrs. Pierson 
and Delphine L. They have grips and are dressed to 

travel.) 

Carin {To Mrs. Pierson) — I see you are ready. {Goes 
up zuith Mrs. Pierson.) 

Stevenson {To Carin) — You are going? 

Carin— Yes, Mr. Stevenson. Good-bye. {To Mrs. Pier- 
son) Let us go. {Exeunt Carin, Mrs. Pierson, Delphine, 
rear. ) 

Soblov — When you change your mind about that torpedo, 
send for me. {Exit rear. Stevenson comes dozvn to tabic 
and sits dejected. Delphine enters L.) 

Delphine — Oh, I just ran around by the side door to 
tell you that — eh — that women are funny. 

Stevenson — Indeed ? 

Delphine — And say what they don't mean. 

Stevenson — Yes? {Enter Mannie R. He listens.) 

Delphine — Sometimes they love most where they pre- 
tend to hate most. 



TERMS OF PEACE 69 

Stevenson — Do all women love most where they pretend 
to hate most ? 

Delphine (Tossing her head when she sees Mannie) — 
Oh, no, just a few. 

Mannie (To Delphine) — Do you love most where you 
pretend to hate most? 

Delphine — No, I hate most where I pretend to love most. 
(Exit Delphine rear.) 

Stevenson (Drumming on table) — Did you ever hear 
Soblov signal to any one that way? 

Mannie — Why, yes. To Pascual. On the side of a 
wine glass, once. 

Stevenson — When ? 

Mannie — Not five minutes before Crandall was shot. It 
was just before Soblov told me to get busy with that letter. 
You remember, said you told him to have me compare it. 

Stevenson (Rising) — Get Pascual here, quick. (Mannie 
presses button of call bell. Stevenson taps, in imitation of 
Soblov, on the side of his eyeglass case.) I wonder! Could 
that be the Morse Code in Russian ? 

Mannie — Let's try Pascual out. He's as superstitious 
as a Russian. You'd better dictate a letter to him. (Goes 
to typetvriter.) 

Stevenson — Turn that table so I can watch his face. 
(Mannie turns table. He arranges paper and carbons.) 

Mannie — What's this? (Holds up carbon.) A fresh 
carbon with a perfect letter on it! 

Stevenson — Is it important? 

Mannie — Read it. (Holds carbon up to light.) 

Stevenson — Soblov's resignation from the Peace Con- 
ference. It is signed by him. 

Mannie — The date is yesterday. 

Stevenson — Crandall was shot last night. (Enter Pas- 
cual rear. He is dressed for the street. They hide the 
carbon.) You are not going to leave us, Pascual? 

Pascual — Would your highness want me to remain in 
his service after — after — Well, your highness knows I 
am to appear at his trial for killing Mr. Crandall. 



70 TERMS OF PEACE 

Mannie {To Stevenson) — Do they accuse you? 

Stevenson — Yes. {To Pascual) That will be all right, 
Pascual. You are going to tell only the truth. 

Pascual — Only the truth, your highness. 

Stevenson— I cannot take oiTense at that. In the mean- 
time, retain your old position. You are the only one ac- 
quainted with the routine of the office. Kindly take a letter. 
{Pascual seats himself at typewriter.) 

Pascual — I am ready, your highness. 

Stevenson — "To the PTonorable James F. Burton, United 
States Ambassador to Russia, Dear Sir: Owing to the 
delegates to the Peace Conference failing in their efforts to 
avert or even to postpone the war that is inevitable between 
the nations of Europe, many of us feel that further efforts 
are useless. Prominent among these is Prince Soblov, dele- 
gate representing Russia. He tendered his resignation to 
my predecessor, Mr. Crandall, one hour before the latter 
was shot to death by a cowardly assassin — " (Stops dictat- 
ing) You know how to spell cowardly assassin, Pascual? 

Pascual {Trembling) — Yes, your highness. 

Stevenson — ^Very good. You'll have occasion to write 
it frequently while in my service. 

Pascual — Yes, your highness. 

Stevenson — Write. {Pascu-ol writes.) "I wish to con- 
firm that resignation, a certified copy of which I herewith 
send you. I hold the original." 

Pascual {hi surprise) — You have the original? 

Stevenson — Why not? 

Pascual — I thought it was destroyed. 

Stevenson — All 3^ou know is that an attempt vs'as made to 
destroy it! Of course that failed. Perhaps you could tell 
us why Prince Soblov resigned? 

Pascual — I don't know, your highness. 

Stevenson — You know the resignation was written, that 
it was signed. Now why? Was it forced from Prince 
Soblov ? 

Pascual — I don't know. 



TERMS OF PEACE 71 

Stevenson — Well, why did he try to destroy the resigna- 
tion ? At least you know that. 

Pascual — I cannot tell, your highness. 

Stevenson — You mean you won't tell. Very good. I 
see you are faithful to the Prince. That is a recommenda- 
tion. 

Pascual — Thank you, your highness. 

Stevenson — I have the original resignation in my room. 
I'll bring it to you to copy. In the meantime, busy yourself 
with this letter. (Gives Pascual paper to copy. Exit 
Stevenson L. Pascual zvorks typewriter. The lights are 
lowered. A reproduction of Sohlov's signal is heard. Pas- 
cual looks up. Mannie disguised as Crandall appears L. A 
spot light shines on him. Pascual sits awe-struck at the 
apparition.) 

Mannie {Imitating voice of Crandall) — I return to bring 
the judgment of God unto the soul of him that kills his 
fellow man. Pie shall be as a weed that rots in the garden 
of life. What seeds he gives forth shall grow again in poison 
stocks and they shall bear bitter fruit from generation unto 
generation. For him that lives by the sword shall perish by 
the sword. The lowly Nazarene, Who brought the message 
of peace and good will to men, has conquered where the 
battalions of the marshals have failed. I charge you, wear 
His message in your heart, for there lies the profit that shall 
be stored against your need in the day of days. 

Pascual— Mercy ! Mercy ! 

Mannie — Mercy is for him that repents. 

Pascual {Backing azuay towards R) — My soul is damned! 
My soul is damned! {Exit Pascual R. Mannie snatches 
off disguise and turns up light. Enter Carin rear. She 
gives evidence of being excited.) 

Carin — Where is Mr. Stevenson? Quick. 

Mannie — He's somewhere about. 

Carin — They are coming for him. They are going to 
arrest him. 

Mannie — Arrest him! What for? 

Carin — Murder. {Noise of door closing off.) There 
they are. {Enter policemen rear.) Too late. 



72 TERMS OF PEACE 

Policeman {Speaking Dutch) — I have a warrant for 
John Stevenson. 

Mannie — Go away. I don't understand. {Goes tozvards 
L.) Nicht for stay. 

Policeman {Seising Mannie. Two policemen advance 
and stand on either side of Mannie) — Are you Herr Steven- 
son ? 

Carin {Speaking Dutch) — Yes, that's your man. 

Policeman {To Mannie. Still speaking Dutch) — Now, 
will you come? 

Mannie — Go on, you big saphead. You're in Dutch, I 
tell you. {To Carin) What did you say to him? 

Policeman {Addressing the two gendarmes) — March. 
{Exeunt Mannie and Policemen rear, Mannie protesting.) 

Mannie {As he is taken off) — Wait till I turn the United 
States army on you for this. You wait! {Carin goes up 
and hastily shuts door rear as Stevenson enters L.) 

Stevenson— Fm glad you changed your mind, Carin, and 
came back. 

Carin {Nervously) — I just . . just came in to see you. 

Stevenson — You are in trouble. What is it? Sit down. 
You know, anything I can do would be happiness for me. 

Carin {Sitting) — Anything? 

Stevenson — Try me. 

Carin — Suppose I asked you to go away at once? 

Stevenson — Go away at once? What's on your mind? 

Carin — Will you go? 

Stevenson — Where ? 

Carin — Home. Get over the border. Go anywhere so 
you go right now. 

Stevenson {Thoughtfully) — Oh, I see. Andraive is on 
the way to take Soblov's place in the congress, and with 
me out of it, the peace party will have a clear majority. 

Carin — Will you go? 



TERMS OF PEACE 73 

Stevenson — No. I'm not fighting on your side of this 
war question, 

Carin (Rising quickly) — It's not that. I want to save 
you. They are going to arrest you for the murder of Mr. 
Crandall. 

Stevenson — Ah, Soblov wants a clear field. 

Carin — While you are searching for the motive, you are 
losing your chance to escape. The police have already 
been here. 

Stevenson (Going to door rear) — Police here! 

Carin (Running up and getting between Stevenson and 
door) — Don't go there. They arrested your secretary, 
thinking it was you. 

Stevenson — Arrested Mannie! You saw them take 
him? (She nods acquiescence.) You saw them take him? 
Then you did it ! You identified Mannie as John Stevenson ! 

Carin — Will you go? 

Stevenson — You are the one that must go now. Help- 
ing a criminal to escape is worse in Europe than being the 
criminal. 

Carin — But you! The proofs against you are over- 
whelming. I saw them. 

Stevenson (Holds handle of door rear) — All the more 
reason why you should leave at once. Get your sister and 
niece and go over the border as soon as you can. Quick. 
That way. (Indicating L.) I hear them. 

Carin — Are you sure they are the police? 

Stevenson — Run. I have a way to save myself. Get a 
good start. I'll hold them back. (Holds handle of door 
rear. ) 

Carin — Well, I did the best I could for you. Good-bye. 
(Exit L. Enter Ming R.) 

Ming — Honorable Takahari he say he have much gold 
for you. He come here quick to see you. You stay? 

Stevenson (Holding door handle) — Oh, I'll stay. Some- 
thing tells me I'll stay. (Boom of cannon is heard off.) 



74 TERMS OF PEACE 

Ming — Ah, you hear. ONE! {Takes quick backward 
step R. Cannon booms out again.) TWO!! {Takes an- 
other backward step. Cannon repeats.) THREE!!! 
{Ming ,pulls off Chinese wig and blouse, shoiving dapper^ 
young Japanese.) Banzai! Banzai!! I am done with these 
honorable garments, honorable sir. {Exit Ming R.) 

Stevenson {Takes step or tzvo towards door R.) — Well, 
what struck him? {Enter Von Hoist rear.) 

Von Holst— Pardon the lack of ceremony, Herr Stev- 
enson. Here is that check for your money. Give me the 
instructions. 

Stevenson — Things are moving rapidly, aren't they? 
{Takes check and gives Von Hoist documents which he 
takes from breast pocket.) 

VoN Holst— They are. {Goes up, reading documents. 
Turns at door rear.) Did you hear the guns? 

Stevenson — What did they mean? 

VoN Holst — War has been declared. {Exit Von Hoist 
rear.) 

Stevenson {Goes rear) — War! {He opens door R. and 
hurriedly shuts it.) The police! {Goes L. Opens door 
and shuts it quickly.) There, too. {Goes to door rear and 
opens it. Beckons for policeman. Enter policeman. He 
leads policeman down stage.) Look, I have a check for ten 
million dollars here. {Shows check. The policeman nods.) 
I want to go out and spend it. {Switches off lights and exit 
closing door. Enter Von Hoist L. He turns on lights.) 

VoN Holst — Did he go? 

Policeman — Yes. 

VoN Holst — Off with that coat. {Policeman takes off 
coat, so do the other policemen, who enter from doors R. 
and L. Von Hoist picks up telephone.) Hello, get me the 
chief of police. {Pause.) Thank you. Is this the chief 
of police? Good evening, your honor. This is Baron Von 
Hoist talking. Your men made a mistake. Oh, yes, I as- 
sure you. You wanted them to get John Stevenson for 
this Crandall affair, didn't you? Well, they arrested his 
secretary instead. It's true. If you want Stevenson, stay 
close to the Hague National Bank. I know. He'll go there 
to verify a certified check. Don't mention it. Good-bye. 



TERMS OF PEACE 75 

(Hangs up receiver. {Enter Carin L.) Von Hoist does 
not see her. He addresses the policemen) — Get ready for 
a jail delivery tomorrow morning. 

Policeman — You want someone rescued, your honor? 

\'"oN HoLST — Yes. At no matter what cost, I want )'-ou 
to get John Stevenson over the border. 

Carin — Thank you. Baron Von Hoist. 

Curtain 

End of Act II 



ACT III 



Scene — Living room of an old chateau converted into a 
hospital near the front of a small neutral coun- 
try that has been invaded. More than half of 
the rear wall has been shot away. Doors L. and 
R. Table center on zvhich are hospital supplies. 
The hangings and pictures show that the owner 
of the house was a person of taste. 

Through the opening in the rear is seen a 
garden in the Italian style. Soldiers and Red 
Cross nurses are seen at intervals going back 
and forth. DELPHINE and other women in 
Red Cross dresses are discovered at rise of cur- 
tain. A wounded soldier is being carried out. 
Delphine is bandaging eyes of a boy. A DOC- 
TOR turns away from the boy's cot as though 
he had just concluded an examination. 

Time — Late afternoon, a few months after previous Act. 

Delphine — It's the same story, doctor. {The boy on cot 
shows that he is paying attention.) 

Doctor — Yes. 

Delphine — No chance whatever? {Doctor shakes his 
head.) 

Boy {Rising on elbow) — Well, why don't you answer, 
doctor? Is there no chance for me? Am I goins^ to be 
blind? {Pause.) Blind! Mother, I am blind. The eyes 
you kissed before I left home are of no use any more. I'll 
never see your face. I'll never be able to tell you the roses 
are blooming at the end of the garden walk. I'll never be 
able to see the roses. I'll never be able to see the day. It's 
going to be night always where I am. Always night. {To 
doctor, fiercely) — Is it? Why don't you answer, doctor? 

Delphine — Lie down, now. 

Boy — Why should I lie down? Why should I do any- 
thing? Who cares for me? Who? The government that 

77 



78 TERMS OF PEACE 

took me away without asking me? The government that 
made treaties without asking me? The government that 
broke treaties without asking me ? And then stole the eyes 
that God gave me. Not all the treaties that were ever writ- 
ten or ever broken were worth my two eyes. Do you hear ? 
Not all the treaties in the world. 

Doctor — Take him away. (Enter CARIN L.) 

Carin (As stretcher hearers pick up cot with hoy) — 
Gently. He is so young. (To boy) I have written to your 
mother. 

Boy (Clinging to her) — Don't let them take me away 
from you. Your voice is like a prayer said at dusk. Keep 
me near you until my mother comes for me. 

Delpiiine — Do let him stay. He won't be a bit in our 
way here. (Doctor shakes his head.) 

Boy (Turning tozvards doctor. After Pause) — You 
don't answer. I'm headed for the scrap heap, eternal night 
clinging to my eyelashes. Do you hear me? Go tell the 
government officials what I think. Tell them I am blind 
and they can see, but that I can look into the future as far 
as they. Tell them I wished I had been born of the strong 
peoples that are trampling us under foot. Tell them that 
from the depth of darkness into which they have plunged 
me, I send up a prayer for the great dominating nation to 
swallow us at a gulp and put an end for all time to the 
bates born of differences of language. Tell them that the 
future holds only scorn for their betrayals and their little- 
ness. Tell them that they are so small, history will dis- 
miss them with a footnote — just a footnote. (Exeunt 
stretcher hearers zvith hoy R. Delphine follozvs sympa- 
thetically.) 

Carin {Looking after hoy) — A boy. Suffering has made 
him a poet ; possibly a prophet. (Enter stretcher bearers 
zvith another zvounded man on cot.) 

Bearer — That's all in this load, sir. (Sits on edge of 
cot.) I'm all in. 

Doctor— How many altogether? 

Bearer — Seventy-eight. More coming soon, though. I 
hear we've got to fall back again. 

Carin — Not another retreat? 



TERMS OF PEACE 79 

Doctor — Our left wing's in danger. 

Bearer — So's our center. The other fellows have the 
guns, the gas, the get-up and go. Say, what took us into 
this mix-up anyhow? We have nothing; they have 
everything. 

Doctor — The enemy has eA^erything on their side but 
right. 

Bearer — After their guns blow all our forts into king- 
dom come, they'll have all the right on their side they'll be 
able to use. It's that way. Make a gun big enough to 
blow a country off the map and you can make anything you 
want right. (Whirring of aeroplane is heard. The stretcher 
hearer runs rear and looks up.) Gee, that plane's hit. Look 
at it. {The doctor and Car in go rear and look up.) 

Carin — The poor fellows ! They'll be killed ! 

Doctor — Well played ! He got under the wind. That's 
volplaning for you. (The aeroplane glides to ground out- 
side of the zuindozvs rear. STEVENSON is at the zvheel. 
Mannie is wounded. Stevenson affects the dialect of a 
French-Canadian, has a beard and. wears goggles.) 

Stevenson — Lend one hand here, please. (Doctor and 
stretcher bearer go out and assist in carrying Mannie into 
room. Carin goes to table and prepares bandages.) 

Stretcher Bearer — Pretty limp. But he'll pull through. 

Stevenson — Pretty sure you been. How you can know? 

Bearer (Goes up) — Oh, from the wav he hangs. I'm 
getting to be able to spot the guys that'll kick out before 
sundown as soon as I squint them. (Exit stretcher bearer 
rear.) 

Stevenson (Helping doctor) — Quick, doctor. I'm afraid 
they've what you call, got him. Ah, Ma Belle, the nurse, 
you help heim? 

Carin (Advances to cot. Looks at Mannie in surprise) 
— Mr. Mannie! (Looks closely at Stevenson.) 

Doctor — You know him? 

Carin (Ignoring Stevenson' s signs to her)— Yes. 

Doctor — American ? 



80 TERMS OF PEACE • 

Carin (As Stevenson places finger on lips, Carin hesi- 
tates) — I first met him in Europe. 

Doctor — Well, it doesn't look serious. Concussion 
mostly, I think. 

Stevenson — Thank le Bon Dieu. A valuable man he is. 
Know each cloud and call him by name, just so quick. Say 
hello, there snow cap; ah there drizzle. Speak to the stars 
the same way. Laugh in the face of the bullets. But one 
get him, and he no laugh. You are sure, Monsieur le doc- 
tor, that he is not killed dead? 

Doctor — Come back in an hour or so. He'll be able to 
talk to you. 

Stevenson — Just so. I'll come and tell him that the big 
gun with the voice of le tonner it get the rea<:h of le diable, 
too. {Exit rear.) 

Bearer {Enters R.) — -Chief wants you. Doc. {Exit.) 

Doctor — Right. {To Carin) Force a drop or two of 
this between his teeth. 

Carin — May I let him stay here a while? 

Doctor — Well, being he's a countryman of yours, yes. 
Until we clear the place for the staff. You know the head- 
quarters are going ta be located here. {Exit R. Enter 
Stevenson; takes off goggles.) 

Stevenson — Carin ! 

Carin {She busies herself zvith Mannie and looks up only 
occasionally during the scene zvith Stevenson) — What is it? 

Stevenson — I heard you had joined this corps. 

Carin — Well? 

Stevenson — Dropped in to see you. Thought your an- 
tagonism for a certain self-made American millionaire 
would vanish with his millions. {Pause.) Would you like 
to hear that with the millions v/ent my reverence for the 
maker ? 

Carin — I have no time to waste solving puzzles. 

Stevenson — Come to think of it, poverty is a puzzle, 
and I'm as poor as a neutral country between tv;o bel- 
ligerents. 



TERMS OF PEACE 81 

Carin — What do you want to prove by that? 

Stevenson — Oh, nothing, on]y I thought that it might 
make me more interesting. 

Carin — Indeed? 

Stevenson — Yes, indeed. Would you Hke some details 
about my factory being blown up by a good American with 
a dialect in his citizenship? 

Carin (Abruptly) — It will be an easy matter to rebuild 
with the ten million dollars you received for that death- 
dealing torpedo. 

Stevenson (Sitting doivn)- — Argument is the sincerest 
form of flattery. If I'd got that money you'd display as 
much curiosity as if I told you that I had rabbit stew for 
lunch. By the way, lunches are quite intermittent around 
here, aren't they? Rabbits are, too. 

Carin (Exasperated) — You are very serious! 

Stevenson — When I used to be a malefactor of great 
wealth and paid my rent in advance to prove it, I was seri- 
ous enough. You showed it by keeping far away from 
me. Now I'm broke. 

Carin (With rising anger) — Don't tell me you didn't sell 
your torpedo ! 

Stevenson — It depends on what you call selling. 

Carin — Selling is selling. The invaders are using that 
very torpedo to crush this helpless country. Over half our 
patients, soldiers and civilians alike, are victims of the 
liquid fire it lets loose. Just now a mere boy was taken 
away from here a raving maniac because it had burned his 
eyes out. 

Stevenson — Liquid fire! That's the kindly, intellectual 
improvement made on my handiwork by the enemy. I con- 
tributed a dirigible torpedo, designed to carry dynamite 
against a fort or ship. That's war. They put in acids, 
gases, liquid fire and that's — something else. 

Carin — Anyhow, you took money for it. 

Stevenson (Pulls out blank piece of paper) — Do you 
call that money? 

Carin (Looking at paper) — It's blank. 



82 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson — That immaculate bit of paper was once an 
order on the Hague National Bank for ten million dollars 
in gold. Do you remember how I used to insist on gold ! 
Those good old times ! Anyhow, this called for the gold 
and I called for the gold. I yelled for it. Then the police 
came. I was arrested. 

Carin — How did you escape? 

Stevenson — Wait, one thing at a time. Do you know, 
there was an Oriental touch about that arrest. Sometimes 
I see the long, lean hand of Takahari in it. Do you think 
Von Plolst and Takahari went fifty-fifty on that torpedo? 

Carin — I don't know anything about it. 

Stevenson — I was just wondering. Anyhow, I had a 
brief but exciting introduction to a Dutch jail. Were you 
ever in a Dutch jail? 

Carin — Acting on your advice, no. 

Stevenson — Lucky for you. They're the worst ever. 

Carin — Is that where you found Mr. Mannie? 

Stevenson — Yes. By the way, he sent his regards to 
you as soon as he saw me. It was Mannie that convinced 
me I was going to be railroaded. He had studied the mass 
of evidence Soblov had accumulated against me. With 
the war on and everybody's sense of justice cut on the bias, 
do you blame me for accepting Von Hoist's help and get- 
ting away in a sort of informal manner? 

Carin— Why didn't you go home? 

Stevenson — Home? I'm a celebrated case! I couldn't 
move without being discovered. Everything's dead set 
against me. Why, when it comes to a frame-up we in 
America are mere amateurs compared with these highly 
civilized Europeans that are giving each other the gas 
route. Look at that as just a little bit of an indication. 
{Holds out the blank check.) Everything, even the print- 
ing, faded out in twenty-four hours. Then think of Von 
Hoist giving the police the tip they'll get me at the bank, 
and, on the heels of that, organizing a rescue party with a 
little trip over the border. Why, all the time I was one of 
the predatory rich, I never suspected that life was such 
a joke. 



TERMS OF PEACE 83 



Carin — I'm glad you find it funny. 

SiTEVENSON — Who said anything about it being funny? 
It's a joke. J-O-K-E. (Enter bearer R.) 

Bearer (To Carin) — Chief wants you. 

Carin (Ta bearer) — I'll be right in. (Exit bearer R. 
Stevenson folds up check.) No doubt you'll be able to get 
some chemical to revive the ink on that check. I know 
your fingers must itch to count those ten million ... in 
gold. (Exit R.) 

Stevenson — Itch! Well, do they! (He puts on gog- 
gles. Goes up. Enter SOBLOV and COMMANDANT 
rear. Stevenson steps back, salutes and goes rear.) 

SoBLOv (Thoughtfully) — Pardon me, my friend. I seem 
to have met you before. 

Stevenson (Coming doivn and effusively shaking hands 
with Soblov) — Jean Baptist Moreau has the fine honor to 
know you, monsieur? Good. Maybe I see you when hab- 
itant in Canada, I not can say. 

Soblov (To Commandant) — What branch of the service 
is he in? 

Stevenson (Deliberately takes off goggles) — Ah, mon- 
sieur, over there, I learn the what you call, to fly. With 
all my money I buy one aeroplane. When the war come, 
I give my aeroplane. 

Commandant — He is our most valued air scout. 

Stevenson (To Soblov) — Think, monsieur, I won this, 
the medal of le merit. (Shoivs medal.) And this. (Shoivs 
shoulder straps under his cloak.) 

Soblov (Looking at shoulder straps) — An officer! 

Commandant — He's division commander of our air 
forces. Came up from the line. 

Stevenson — My wings are there (Indicating plane 
rear.) Much wounded. Very much wounded. There is 
him also, my comrade of the aeroplane, also much wounded. 
Just now, I bring him here. 

Soblov — I'm very glad you did. It gave me a chance to 
meet you. I always like to shake hands with a brave man. 



84 TERMS OF PEACE 

Stevenson {They shake hands) — Merci, monsieur. 
Brave men are brothers. I know monsieur is brave. {Exit 
Stevenson rear after salute.) 

.SoBLOV {Looking after Jiim) — I was mistaken. 

Mannie {Moves on cot as if in pain) — Water. For 
God's sake, water. {Soblov starts at the sound of the voice. 
Mannie gets up on his elbow. Soblov watches him.) 

Commandant — Here — {Pours out zvater from pitcher to 
tin cup) my poor fellow. 

wSoBLOV {With suggestion of sneer) — Just a moment. 
{Taking cup from commandant.) I wish the honor of 
serving one who serves his country. {He gives Mannie the 
cup; Mannie is about to drink when his eyes meet Soblov's. 
He stops.) 

Soblov — Why don't you drink? 

Mai<!nie .{Sinking back on cot) — Soblov! 

Soblov {With meaning, to Commandant) — I told you 
we'd get the other one also. There he is. 

Mannie {Half rising) — You have him? 

Soblov — Of course we have him. He flew with you on 
that aeroplane right into my arms. 

Mannie {Turning aivay) — That's tough luck. 

Soblov {To Commandant) — My first suspicion was the 
correct one. Jean Baptist Moreau, habitant of Canada, is 
John Stevenson, wanted in Holland for murder. Get him! 

Mannie {Half rising) — Get him! You haven't got him 
yet? 

SoBLOV — Not yet. We were not sure of our man until 
you convinced us. 

Mannie — You put something over on me, didn't you? 
You haven't him. Well, you won't get him. He's not here. 
Commandant, don't listen to him. Stevenson's not here. 

SoBLOV (7^0 Commandant)— Art you going to arrest him 
or not? 

Commandant — Moreau is a valuable officer. We have 
no time just now for investigation of anyone's past history. 



TERMS OF PEACE 85 

Mannie — Don't forget, Commandant, Moreaii saved 
your anTi)^ He has been in the thick of it from the start 
and never hedged once. Don't insult him by Hstening to this 
fellow's chatter. 

SoBLOV {To Commandant, zuith dignity) — I am a repre- 
sentative within your lines of your country's ally. I make 
the formal charge against Jean Baptist Moreau that he is 
John Stevenson, murderer and spy. 

Mannie — Spy! (He sinks back on the cot insensible.) 

Commandant — That's a serious charge. Prince Soblov, 
you bring against one of our bravest and most efficient of- 
ficers. I warn you that I personally bear somewhat the 
relation of a patron of his. Where possible I shall stretch 
a point in his favor. {Exit rear. Enter Officer L. He 
looks at Soblov then advances sloivly to table and pulls out 
small book of cigarette papers. Leans against table as he 
rolls cigarette. Soblov zvatches him.) 

Officer — You smoke, monsieur? 

Soblov {Calmly looks at officer, then takes out cigarette 
case) — Why, yes. 

Officer — Bien. Would you like to try one of my cig- 
arettes ? 

Soblov — With pleasure. (Takes cigarette papers and 
tobacco. Starts to take out paper.) 

Officer — Pardon, monsieur, is he asleep? (Indicating 
Mannie.) 

SoBLOV — Sound. He may even be dead. 

Officer — Very well, take the paper from the end. 
(Turns book of papers around. Soblov glances at papers 
and starts.) 

Soblov — You are ? 

Officer (Glancing around) — Sh ! All the data you need 
is written there. (Indicating cigarette papers.) 

Soblov (Looking at papers) — The retreat is ordered? 

Officer — Within ten minutes this chateau will be con- 
verted from a hospital to the staff headquarters. The range 
of this spot from hill 65 (Turns one of the cigarette papers 
over) of map 7X is here. 



86 TERMS OF PEACE 

SoBLOV — Where are the reinforcements for the right 
wing? {Indicating cigarette papers and glancing off.) 

Officer — Everything is there. Quick, someone is coming. 
(Soblov puts cigarette papers in his pocket with tobacco. 
The officer goes to Mannie and bends over him. Enter 
Carin R.) 

Soblov {Indicating Mannie) — Yes, he lost consciousness 
on hearing some bad news. 

Op;ficer — He'll be all right now. {E.vit rear.) 

Carin {Stops as she is crossing to cot) — Prince Soblov! 
{She shozvs anxiety about Stevenson by looking off rear and 
watching Soblov while she talks.) 

Soblov {Turns to her) — Miss Meredith! Carin! {Carin 
leans over Mannie and administers medicine.) 

Carin — I didn't think you were within a thousand miles 
of here. 

Soblov — Pd never be content to stay a thousand miles 
from any place you might be. 

Carin — Even war can't interfere with your old habit. 

Soblov {With touch of warmth)^Oi speaking the truth. 
Wherever you are, there my heart is. 

Carin — And I was once inclined to think modern war 
the most awful thing in the world. 

Soblov — What do you think is ? 

Carin — Speeches like yours. 

Soblov {In decidedly hurt tone) — You do not take what I 
say seriously. 

Carin {Looks off rear anxiously) — Do you want me to 
think the awfulness even more awful? 

Soblov — Listen, Carin. 

Carin {Coming to him)— Miss Meredith, if you please, 
Prince Soblov. 

Soblov {Passionately) — No, it is Carin to me. Always 
Carin. When I learned where you had gone, I set the ma- 
chinery in motion to get a commission to visit this front. 
It was to see you that I pulled the wool over the eyes of my 
government. 



TERMS OF PEACE 87 

Carin — Pulling the wool over the eyes of your govern- 
ment seems to be your favorite amusement. 

SoBLOV (Shozving annoyance) — I don't seem to make my- 
self clear, 

Carin — As clear as a Prince of the House of Soblov and 
an ardent lover of universal peace at the point of gun need 
make himself. 

Soblov — You are inclined to be satirical. 

Carin — You are inclined to be forgetful. Do you recall 
the night Mr. Crandall was killed he was on his way to 
lay before your Imperial Master proofs you had betrayed 
him into the hands of the party of blood and ruin? 

Soblov (Astonished) — Proofs I had betrayed my Czar? 
(She nods.) This is the first time I have ever heard of it. 

Carin (Nonplussed) — Why, he told me that he had 
forced you to sign your resignation from the Peace Con- 
ference. 

SoBLOv — He told you that? Did you see the resignation? 
(She shakes her head.) Can it be the old fellow was out 
of his mind? The ideal you made sacred to me in Wash- 
ington, I held against every temptation. Before I met you, 
I was an open and avowed advocate of war, you remember. 

Carin (She gives Mannie medicine) — I do. 

Soblov — More than that, I was a member of THE 
STATE. 

Carin — The silent government. 

SoBLOv (Craftily) — The real governing power of the 
world, the military league. When you won me to the side 
of peace, I turned against that organization. In doing so, 
I made enemies — implacable enemies, v/ho would not hesi- 
tate to furnish Mr. Crandall or anyone else proofs of all 
sorts to destroy me. 



Carin (Donbtfully) — It may be so. 

SoBLOV — It is so. At this r 
)y I denounced, a confirmed i 

Carin (Anxiously) — Here? 



SoBLOV — It is so. At this moment they are arresting a 
spy I denounced, a confirmed militarist. 



88 TERMS OF PEACE 

SoBLOV {Looking off L.) — I think they have him out 
there. 

Carin {Goes tozvard L.) — Where? I'll go see. {Exit 
L. Enter Stevenson rear hetzveen two soldiers. The Com- 
mandant follows. Mannie regains consciousness slowly.) 

Stevenson — But I do not understand, mon commandant. 
I go but a few paces, then, presto, I am asked to return 
under guard. 

SoBLOV- — You are under arrest. 

Stevenson {Addressing Commandant) — Ah, then I have 
done something not amiable, mon commandant. {Mannie 
half rises.) 

SoBLOv — Yes, Mr. John Stevenson, you have done some- 
thing decidedly unamiable. 

Stevenson — Pardon me, 3^ou are evidently laboring under 
a misapprehension, monsieur. You called me by a name 
v/ith which I am unfamiliar. 

SoBLOV — Indeed. Well, you'll be quite familiar with it 
before we are done with you. {To Mannie) Here you, tell 
your commandant that this is John Stevenson. 

Mannie {Craftily) — Well, suppose I tell him, what are 
you going to pay me for it? If I lie for you, I want some- 
thing worth while. 

SoBLOV — I expected something like that from 3'ou. How- 
ever, I have a witness. Get my man Pascual. He is at the 
automobile out there. 

Commandant {To soldier) — Bring him here. {Exit 
soldier rear. Enter Carin L.) 

SoBLOV {To Carin) — You recognize this man? {Carin 
looks at Stevenson.) Well, well, is he not John Stevenson, 
inventor of the torpedo that's killing off all the command- 
ant's soldiers. 

CoMMANDANT^ — Say ycs or no, is he Stevenson? {Carin 
looks front Stevenson to the Commandant, then to Sohlov.) 

Stevenson — Stevenson is my name, Commandant. {Man- 
nie falls hack on cot.) 

Mannie — Wouldn't that explode a gas bomb? 



TERMS OF PEACE 89 

Stevenson — Permit me, my Commandant. Before re- 
ceiving this medal of merit from the hands of the Com- 
mander-in-Chief, I took him into my confidence about my 
true name. 

Commandant — And about this charge of murder against 



vou 



Stevenson — Yes. He assured me that I should get a 
hearing on the charge anywhere and at any time I desired 
if it came up while I was in the service. 

Carin — I wish to give my testimony at his trial. 

SoBLOV — The trial of a spy is a mere formality. 

Commandant {Severely) — Whatever this man is, he is 
not a spy; I told j^ou at the outset I would stretch every 
point to serve him. The Commander-in-Chief wishes it. 
We know how faithful he has been. 

SoBLOV — Those who would betray, first win confidence. 

Stevenson — He's well acquainted with that system. 
Trained by the ochrana of Ploly Russia, the Black Hundred, 
agents provocator, manipulators of every form of under- 
hand political crime, he should be. {Sohlov registers this 
insult.) 

Carin {To Commandant) — Mr. Stevenson is an Ameri- 
can, he is also my friend. I pledge my honor he is not a spy. 

Stevenson- — Thank you, Carin. It is worth while being 
under suspicion to hear you say that. 

SoBLOV {To Commandant, zvith touch of asperity)— It is 
no longer suspicion. You killed Crandall. 

Stevenson {To Commandant) — May I presume on the 
promise of our Commander-in-Chief to demand from you 
an official investigation of that charge at once? 

Commandant — As an officer you are entitled to it. Under 
my personal direction I grant you immediate and unlimited 
opportunity to sift it to the bottom. 

Stevenson — That's all I want. 

SoBLOV {Hotly) — But that's not the charge at present. 
Holland will press that one. 

Stevenson — Ah, you are changing your indictment. Do 
you know why you don't press the killing of Crandall to the 
issue here now? You are afraid. {Sohlov falls hack a step. 
He shows that he is affected.) 



90 TERMS OF PEACE 

Carin — Are you afraid, Prince Soblov ? 

Mannie — Look at him. He is. 

Soblov {Recovering quickly) — Why should I fear? 

Stevenson — You know better than any of us why you 
should fear, Prince Soblov. 

Soblov {Recovering and turning, smiling, to Command- 
ant) — Very subtle, these Americans. He merely suggests 
the old trick of the counter accusation. The more clumsy 
follow the historic precedent of Potiphar's wife, and make a 
blunt charge. 

Carin — But there was no counter accusation. He didn't 
say you had anything to do with Mr. Crandall's death. 

Stevenson — His guilty conscience said it for him. {To 
Commandant) I call your attention to that, sir. {Saluting.) 

Commandant — I have been observing. Evidently there 
is something beneath it all. 

Soblov — You are right, Commandant. There is much 
beneath it. There is an attempt to sway you from a con- 
sideration of the facts that prove he is a spy in the pay of 
the enemy. {To Stevenson) Deny that you received ten 
million dollars for the torpedo that is shattering the ranks 
of this little army. 

Carin {Hotly)— I deny it. {Stevenson looks gratefully 
at her.) 

Soblov — You! 

Carin {Defiantly) — I know it is not true. He didn't get 
a dollar for it. 

Commandant — Enough officers are here. {Indicating 
room L.) We'll get down to business at once. {To soldiers) 
Bring the prisoner. {Exeunt Soblov, Stevenson, Command- 
ant and soldiers. Enter other soldiers and orderly with 
PASCUAL rear.) 

Carin — Pascual ! 

Pascual — Ah, your highborn highness, is it not terrible, 
this war? 

Mannie {Seeing Pascvial) — A drink. Quick! {Carin 
gives Mannie a drink. Pascual is taken off L. by soldiers. 



TERMS OF PEACE 91 

Mdnnie glances around and sees that Pascual has gone. He 
then throzvs the water out of the tin cup.) Where's Pascual? 

Carin — Do you want him? 

Mannie — No. Here take this. {Gives her tin cup.) 
Hide it. Get close to him. Every chance you have, do this. 
(He takes cup from her and taps it.) Listen. One, two, 
three ; one, two ; one. Now one, two, three, four. Then 
back to the first, skip the next two and do the fourth, then 
one. Repeat that one three times — like this. (He taps the 
tin cup again through the formula. He falls back on the cot.) 

Carin — What is it? 

Mannie — The Siberian code. Pascual's afraid of it. 
Don't miss a chance to put him up against it. Sh! {Enter 
Pascual with soldier L.) 

Pascual — I am to wait here, your highness. 

Carin — What are they doing? {Goes to door L. and 
looks off.) The court is sitting. Now they are getting 
Prince Soblov's story. 

Pascual {At door L.) — The prince accuses the honor- 
able American, Mr. Stevenson. 

Carin {As if talking off) — No, no, you are wrong. He 
did not sell the torpedo. They stole it from him. No, it 
was before war had been declared — days before it was de- 
clared on this country. 

Mannie {Calling) — Miss Meredith! 

Carin— Yes. {She comes to Mannie.) 

Mannie — Did you forget? 

Carin — What ? 

Mannie — ^The Siberian code. (// grozvs gradually 
darker. ) 

Pascual {Looking off and taking up story where Carin 
has left off) — Mr. Stevenson is now talking. Ah, they 
tricked the honorable American with disappearing ink. How 
unfortunate! See he has the blank check. How sad! But 
he laughs, my God! He laughs at the loss of ten million 
dollars. Twenty million rubles ! The brave commandant 
does not seem to care about that. He wants to know of — 
of the murder. {Carin has gone near Pascual and taps the 
cup.) 



92 TERMS OF PEACE 

Mannie — The murder of Mr. Crandall, Pascual! The 
murder that haunts your soul night and day. (Adopting the 
deeper tone of Mr. Crandall.) I return to bring the judg- 
ment of God unto him that kills his fellow man. He shall 
be as a weed that rots in the garden of life. 

Pascual {Backing into corner in fear and trembling) — 
My God, it's there — there! {Enter Sohlov L. zvith tivo 
soldiers. Carin comes dozvn to Mannie.) 

SoBLOV {To Pascual) — ^They want you next. Come. 
{Carin taps cup.) 

Pascual {With touch of mysticism) — I heard it; it fol- 
lows me. Listen. 

SoBLOv {In Russian) — Shut up, fool. 

Mannie {In same tone as before)— The Lowly Nazarene 
has conquered Avhere the battalions of the marshals have 
failed. I charge you wear this message in your heart. 

Pascual — There ! There ! Don't you hear the voice ? 

SoBLOv {Placing arm through Pascual's and leading him 
out) — You are delaying the court. {In Russian) Tell your 
story. Be careful. {Exeunt Pascual, Soblov and soldiers.) 

Mannie {To Carin) — Keep it up. For God's sake, keep 
it up. We've got him going. {Enter Delphine R. Mannie 
snafches cup from Carin and signals.) Here you, go in 
there and tap that. This way. Listen. One, two, three; 
one, two. Now one, two, three, four. 

Delphine {With astonishment, going to Mannie) — You? 
Here? {Carin has gone up and looks off L.) 

Mannie {To Delphine) — Go in. Go in. 

Delphine — Wait a minute. Let me say hello. 

Mannie — We've got no time for that. Get busy. Stick 
close to Pascual. {To Carin) What are they doing now? 

Carin {As Delphine goes up and looks off) — Pascual's 
beginning. Lie's trembling all over. 

Mannie {To Delphine ivho goes up and stands by Carin) 
What are you doing there? Why don't you go in? Tap it 
close to Pascual. Quietly. Don't let him see you. Don't 
let Soblov see you. Well, why don't you do it? {Im- 
patiently.) 



TERMS OF PEACE 93 

Delphine — My, if you do that now, what'll it be when 
we're married! (Exit L.) 

Mannie {To Carin) — What is he saying? 

Carin — He's telhng all about the night of the murder. 

Mannie — When he's through go in and get the command- 
ant to ask him where he got the mud on his boots. Get him 
to ask why he crawled through the window. Ming saw him. 
He told me. I'll get Ming to testify if it comes to a regu- 
lar trial. 

Carin — God, he says he saw John shoot Mr. Crandall. 
Listen, the Commandant is making him repeat it. 

Mannie (To soldiers) — Drag me up to that door. It's 
life and death. 

Carin (To soldiers) — Carry him up here. (The sol- 
diers guarding the door enter and take Mannie in cot to 
door L.) 

Mannie — That's enough. Right there. I see Pascual 
now. 

Carin (As if talking off. Propping Mannie up ivith pil- 
lozvs) — Do you hear? He's giving the details. Listen : Fol- 
lowed Mr. Crandall and Mr. Stevenson into the garden, 
heard the argument. It was about — about me. Mr. Cran- 
dall never said that. Not a word of it. Oh, and Mr. Stev- 
enson threatened him, if he married me. God, to put such 
a sin on his shoulders. Now listen ! He saw Crandall push 
Stevenson back. Ordered him away. Then out came the 
revolver. Just one shot was fired. Stevenson dropped the 
revolver and ran. I'll prove that he lies. (Is about to go 
off L.) 

Mannie — Wait. Wait. There's something I forgot. My 
head's in a muddle. (He gets out of the cot and staggers to 
his feet.) 

Carin (Coming to him) — Get back into bed. 

Mannie — No, just a minute. (He opens his shirt and 
pidls out copy of Soblov's resignation. Gives it to Carin.) 

Carin — What is it? 

AIannie (Sinking on the cot) — The resignation. Sob- 
lov's. 



94 TERMS OF PEACE 

Carin — Where did you get this ? 

Mannie — It's a photographic copy. Made it through a 
sheet of carbon we found in Crandall's desk. 

Carin {With horror as she reads)— Yit did resign! The 
date is the same. It's his signature ! He did it. 

Mannie — No, no. Pascual did the shooting. Don't 
forget. 

Carin — But Soblov placed his finger on the trigger. {Exit 
Carin L.) 

Mannie — Give him the code. {Falling on his knees be- 
side cot facing door L.) That's right. Now he's cring- 
ing. Spring the resignation. Spring it! Why don't you 
make Pascual identify it? Why don't you? Ah, Com- 
mandant, you're doing the good work. Don't shrink away, 
Pascual. It will do you no good. Yes, just as you say, the 
devil always leaves a hoof print. Watch out, Stevenson — 
{He screams) Soblov's going for it. Too late. He's torn it. 
Now he's tramping on it. That's right, my soldier boy. Give 
him another. Give it to him good. The code, Delphine, 
the code for Pascual. He'll break down sure. He'll con- 
fess. He's on his knees. Ah, what did I tell you? It's all 
over but the shouting. Huh ! Look out, Stevenson, Sob- 
lov's got a gun. It's all off. {Shot is fired.) He's killed 
Pascual. {Mannie sinks on cot. Struggle sounds off. Enter 
Delphine running L.) 

Delphine {Shozving fear. To soldiers as she shields 
Mannie from possible attack) — Quick ! Save him. {Indicates 
Mannie.) Carry him in here. {Exeunt Delphine and sol- 
diers carrying Mannie R. Soblov comes in, revolver in hand, 
struggling with soldiers, rvho disarm him. Enter Command- 
ant, officers and soldiers L.) 

Commandant— Search him. {Soldiers search Soblov.) 

Soblov — Permit me to retain my cigarettes? 

Commandant {To soldiers) — Give them back. {Soldiers 
return cigarette papers and tobacco.) 

Soblov — Thank you. {Enter soldiers with Pascual on 
stretcher, follozved by Carin and Stevenson.) 

Pascual {As he passes Soblov) — Say you forgive me, 
my prince. {To Conimandajit) I did it. I killed Mr. Cran- 



TERMS OF PEACE 95 

dall in the garden, all alone. I waited for him. He had 
insulted me. That's the truth. It is all my fault. 

SoBLOV — In my country dogs are not permitted to die in 
the presence of their masters. {The Commandant makes 
sign to soldiers to carry Pascual off R.) 

Pascual — Just a word from you, my prince. 

SoBLOv — I have a word for you. ( TJic soldiers stop near 
door R.) 

Pascual — Say it. Say it. 

SoBLOV (Speaking in Russian) — It will give great com- 
fort to you. Hell awaits the soul of every fool. (Pascual 
gives a despairing cry as he is carried out R.) 

Stevenson (To Commandant) — What are the formali- 
ties of transferring the charge of killing Mr. Crandall from 
my shoulders to his? (Indicating Sohlov.) 

SoBLOv (Rolling cigarette) — That matter is trite, I assure 
you, Mr. Stevenson. Monsieur, the Commandant, and I are 
quite en rapport on the important issue. 

Commandant — The shooting of a witness before a mili- 
tary tribunal. 

SoBLOV (To Stevenson) — See, I told you. That is im- 
mediate death. (To Commandant) Not even the fact that 
I am a representative of a great ally could persuade you 
into any other interpretation of the military code. I have 
two requests to make before I am stood against the wall. 
First, may I smoke a, few cigarettes ? 

Commandant — You may. 

SoBLOV (Lighting cigarette) — Thank you. Next, permit 
Miss Meredith to take possession of my personal effects that 
are in the automobile. 

Carin — You can hardly expect me to consider your se- 
crets inviolate? 

SoBLOV — Secrets ! All my secrets, my dear Miss Mere- 
dith, have gone up in smoke. (He tosses cigarette aivay as 
if it had bad taste and grinds it under his heel.) May I 
light another? (Takes out tobacco and book of cigarette 
papers and rolls and lights cigarette.) 

Commandant — Yes. 



96 TERMS OF PEACE 

SoBLOV — Thank you. {To Carin. Stevenson watches 
Sohlov suspiciously.) You may find a few records of my 
earlier indiscretions written in my journal — a list of my 
debts, those annoying obligations that death cancels. 

Commandant — Nothing else? 

SoBLOV — My indiscretions are longer than my memory of 
them. Let me see, I made a few notes as a result of my 
observations. Somehow I think I M^rote down the argu- 
ments of the militarists. 

Carin — Being one. 

SoBLOV (With calm insolence as he smokes) — The good 
bourgeois munition m^anufacturer, Stevenson, will no doubt 
agree with you. 

Stevenson (To Soblov) — Look here, you're stalling for 
some reason or other. 

SoBLOV — Stalling! What a delicious colloquialism. {To 
Commandant) He means playing for time, Commandant, as 
if time were a factor with me now. {Lights another cigar- 
ette.) Pardon me, smoking makes me eloquent. I just wish 
to anticipate a few things you will find in my journal, Miss 
Meredith. 

Carin — Why not let me read them for m)'self ? 

SoBLOv — Then the great lesson would be lost on our good 
bourgeois munition maker, Stevenson. {To Stevenson) 
After giving a very valuable instrument of destruction into 
the hands of the militarists, you line up on the side of de- 
mocracy. Li that you are consistent. From your delightful 
self-governing, peace-loving nation have come the great 
inventions of modern war: machine gun, aeroplane, sub- 
marine. Militarism is making good use of them to throttle 
a few upstart democracies. Don't forget this, Stevenson. 
{He lights another cigarette.) The very knife that is cut- 
ting the throat of democracy was sharpened in the work- 
shop of constitutional government. And it will always be 
so. Fighting in this war on the side of militarism and the 
divine right of kings to rule, are some of the staunchest 
enemies of royalty. They are hoodwinked. The keener 
intellect governs now — it will govern in the future. In addi- 
tion to its own inventions, which remain a secret, militarism 
goes forth and purchases from the self-governing enemy 
the very weapon it will use to destroy the advocates of self- 



TERMS OF PEACE 97 

government. And your councils are always open ; the coun- 
cils of the militarists are closed. Democracy may not use 
spies because it cannot, in the nature of things, know whom 
to trust. As for the militarists, they have spies in every 
democratic war congress — in every democratic peace con- 
gress. They have spies everywhere. 

Stevenson (Grabbing Soblov's hands) — Yes, and right 
here, too. Quick, the cigarettes. {Commandant and sol- 
diers take Soblov's cigarettes away.) 

Commandant {Looking over cigarette papers) — My 
God, we are betrayed ! 

SoBLOV — That illustrates what I mean. Turn where you 
may, the enemies of your hypocritical, selfish, unidealistic 
self-government are constantly on guard to do their duty. 
Your America is full of them, as you will learn when the 
time comes for militarism to strike. {Exeunt Sohlov, Com^ 
mandant and soldiers.) 

Carin — I believe him. It's fearful. 

Stevenson — It is a world-wide conflict of ideas. Terms 
of peace can never be considered until one idea or the other 
prevails. Thank God, I am on the right side — with you. 

Carin {Takes his hand) — ^Thank God, you are, John, at 
last. We'll go home and warn every American of the 
danger that threatens. 

Curtain 

End of Act III 



WILD OATS 



WILD OATS 



CHARACTERS 



Doctor Belden Lover of his fellozvman 

Mrs. Belden His zvife 

Rannock His eldest son 

Sewell His younger son 

Freeman ■ A visionary 

Gertie His daughter 

Presser A detective 

Millicent A girl of the period 

A Servant. 

One set of scenery is used during entire action of play. 

Time — Present. 

Place — Neiv York City. 



ACT I 



Scene — Interior of living room in Dr. Belden s home, Stuy- 
vesant Sq., New York. 

The room is zvell furnished. Door R. leads 
to the Doctor's consultation rooms. Door L. 
leads to interior of house. There is a zvindozv, 
on angle in upper corner of L., also door rear 
zvith an alcove L. Sezvell is discovered looking 
off R. He steps hack of door as Gertie enters. 
He is about tzventy-one, impidsive and head- 
strong. Gertie is about eighteen. He shuts door 
after Gertie passes through. She is dressed as 
a nurse. 

Sewell {Stands at door) — Well, Gertie? 

Gertie (In non-committal tone) — Well? 

101 



102 WILD OATS 

Sewell — You don't seem glad to see me. 

Gertie (Going to bookshelf and taking down a volume. 
She speaks indifferently) — It's only an hour since you made 
me say the same thing. 

Sewell (Goes to her) — We're down to cases. I never 
thought Fd be strong for elopements. 

Gertie (Opening book at table, center) — Agronomy — 
agronomy — where is it — Ag-agra — (She runs dozvn page 
tvith her finger.) 

Sewell (Covering book ivith hand)— The Mater's com- 
ing home today. Hear that? 

Gertie — It sounds good to hear that. You're at least 
afraid of your mother. 

Sewell — She's only my step-mother and she's a wonder. 
Finds out what you want to do, then makes you do some- 
thing different. Will you beat it with me before she comes? 

Gertie (Again interested in book and indifferent to him) 
—No. 

Sewell — Gee, how you must hate men. 

Gertie (Turning page) — Suppose I do. 

Sewell — I know why — One of them tricked you before 
you came here. (Gertie registers this.) 

Gertie (Recovering) — How you go on! 

Sewell — Why don't you tell me who it was. I'll punch 
his head for him. 

Gertie — I believe you would. 

Sewell (Goes close to her) — Try me. Who was it? 

Gertie — There wasn't anybody. 

Sewell — Then you just don't care for me. That's it? 

Gertie (Busy xvith book) — Agronomy — Ah, here it is. 

Sewell (Covers book with Ms hand) — I know. You 
think I can't get on. You think because I haven't any 
money, you'd have a tough time of it if you married me. 

GeIrtie — Why don't you say it's because you drink. You 
always put that in to help you over your self-pity mood. 



WILD OATS 103 

Sewell — I'll show you. I'll cut the booze, you'll see. 
I'll get a stake, too. Then I'll take you away. You'll go, 
won't you. (Enter Mrs. Belden rear with MilHcent, and 
servant carrying wraps, etc. Mrs. Belden is a zvell-dressed, 
well-preserved zvoman of about forty-two or three. MilH- 
cent is tzvcnty odd, a zvell-dressed, vacuous, lisping girl of 
the period.) "Why, Mater {Goes to Mrs. Belden), and Mil- 
Hcent. How are you? {Gertie goes R.) 

Mrs. Belden {To Gertie) — Kindly tell Doctor Belden 
that Mrs. Belden is here. 

Gertie — Yes, ma'am. 

MiLLiCENT — Awfully pretty nurse girl, isn't she? 

Sewell — Yes. We grov/ them that way at our place. 

Mrs. Belden — Who is she? {Enter Doctor Belden R. 
He is a kindly, tolerant student of abnormal psychology with 
■unbounded faith in the latent good in everyone he meets. 
His age is abo%it fifty-four or five.) 

Doctor — You did come, my dear. {Kisses zvife.) 

Mrs. Belden — Just thought I'd surprise you. Brought 
Millicent along — 

Sewell — To surprise Rannock — or do you think you 
want to engage her to me? 

Millicent — Sewell ! 

Doctor {To Millicent, laughingly) — There's the family 
skeleton on public view ! Mrs. Belden wants to see every- 
body married to everybody else just as soon as they're able 
to repeat the marriage service from memory. 

Sewell — I've been converted to Mater's vievv^ of matri- 
mony. 

Millicent — Aw, Sewell, who's the girl? 

Mrs. BeldexN — Yes, who is it? 

Sewell — That's the way, you think a fellow can't change 
his mind unless a skirt's at the bottom of it. 

Millicent — Aw, go on. Who is it ? 

Doctor — I'm sure there's no one. I'd not approve of 
Sewell marrying until he is established in some business or 
profession. 



104 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden {To Sewell) — You've got to learn the trick 
of earning money as well as spending it. 

Sewell — If I ever do it'll be some trick. I'm a joyous 
little spender. 

Doctor — The young men of your period seem to boast of 
strange accomplishments — and with a young woman present. 

MiLLiCENT — Oh, don't mind me. I'm used to it. 

Sewell — That would be a waste of time — Millicent 
favors a cash register tone of voice. 

Doctor — This is too serious a matter to be dismissed with 
a factitious phrase. 

Sewell^ — I'm in line for a serious consideration of it. 

Millicent {Going L.) — Now I know there's a girl. {To 
Mrs. Belden) It'll be my old room? 

Mrs. Belden {Going with her to door) — Yes — I know 
it's ready for you. 

Millicent {To Mrs. Belden) — Don't trouble coming up. 
Your voice will be needed in the family council. Try and 
save Sewell. It would be a pity to let marriage spoil him. 
{Exit L.) 

Sewell {To Doctor) — I'm going to marry and I want all 
the money you're ever going to let me have. 

Mrs. Belden — Who is the girl ? 

Sewell {To Doctor) — You're going to let me have some 
money, dad — I'll pay it back. 

Doctor — If you are going to marry, you must get your 
own money. 

Mrs. Belden — Who is the girl ? 

Sewell — Never mind that. {To Doctor) I've got to get 
a start. This is the first honest-to-God time I ever felt this 
way. I can't marry her unless I can make a living for her. 
I can't learn to make a living unless I have capital — Will 
you let me have it ? 

Doctor — Why don't you answer ? Who is the girl ? 

Sewell — If I tell you, will you give me a start? 



WILD OATS 105 

Doctor — You can't impose conditions. 

Mrs. Belden — You're going to marry someone we'll be 
ashamed of. 

Sewell — I won't be ashamed of her — that's what counts. 
Now I'm asking for money because I know my own mother 
left some to Rannock and me. I want my share. {To Mrs. 
Belden) Those jewels you wear belonged to her before she 
died. I'm entitled to my share of them. When I get all 
that's coming to me, I won't need to ask anybody's permis- 
sion to marry. {Enter Gertie R.) 

Gertie {To Doctor) — They have brought Mr. Van Doran. 

Doctor — Thank you — I'll be right in. {Mrs. Belden- 
has been ivatching Sewell since Gertie entered. Gertie is 
about to go out.) 

Mrs. Belden {To Gertie) — Wait. {To Doctor) I pre- 
sume this is your new assistant? 

Doctor {To Mrs. Belden) — Yes. {To Gertie) Gertrude, 
this is Mrs. Belden. 

Gertie — Very glad to meet you, Mrs. Belden. {Mrs. B. 
makes but slight acknozvledgment of the introduction.) 

Mrs. Belden {Curtly to Gertie) — You have had consid- 
erable experience in a sanatorium, Gertrude? 

Doctor — Her value is far beyond the limits of her ex- 
perience. She has the surest hand I know for one so young. 

Sewell {Significantly zuatching Mrs. Belden) — Of course 
her youth is against her. Mater? 

Doctor — It's in her favor, I assure you. 

Mrs, Belden {To Gertie) — You came to the doctor well 
recommended, of course. {Gertie looks at the Doctor. The 
Doctor looks from Gertie to Sewell.) 

Sewell — The best sort of recommendations. 

Mrs. Belden {To Gertie) — Your family live in the city? 

Gertie — No — not at present. 

Mrs. Belden — They used to live here? 

Gertie — Well — no — I am from New England. 

Sewell — She comes from near Boston. 



106 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — I am Avell acquainted in Boston. Who 
knows you there ? 

Gertie — I don't know. 

Sewell — She left when she was younger than she is now. 

Mrs. Belden — Then where did you go ? And when ? 

Gertie — Dr. Belden will tell you all about it. (Exit R.) 

Mrs. Belden (To Doctor) — I knew that just as soon as I 
turned my back, you'd be picking up some undesirable. 

Sewell — I think she is very desirable. 

Doctor — So do I. She's a positive discovery. 

Mrs. Belden — All your experiments of the past were 
positive discoveries — at first. 

Doctor — She is different, my dear. Her touch is the 
deftest and her presence is the most re-assuring to my 
nervous patients I have ever seen. 

Mrs. Belden — Really, Doctor Belden, you astonish me. 
You allow yourself to be hoodwinked by a girl (Looks at 
Seiuell) and you're not the only one in the house affected 
the same way. 

Sewell — You can't feaze me by hinting. I think she's 
all right. 

Doctor — And I know she is. 

Mrs. Belden — From what prison did you take her? 

Sewell (Quickly) — She was in no prison — 

Mrs. Belden — yet. But she vy/as headed for one. (To 
Doctor) What had she done? 

Sewell — Nothing. 

Mrs. Belden (To Sezvell in tone of rebuke) — What do 
you know about it ? 

Sewell— Everything. 

Mrs. Belden— Very likely. Anyhow, I'm asking your 
father. 

Doctor — Sewell knows. He visited the woman's night 
court with me. 



WILD OATS 107 

Mrs. Belden^t-I was right. You picked her up in the 
night court. 

Doctor — ^The judge paroled her in my keeping. 

Mrs. Belden — Why was she there in the first place ? 

Sewell — There's nothing very thrilling about it. She 
was found screaming on the fire escape of a hotel. 

Mrs. Belden — That's all? 

Doctor — That's all. 

Mrs. Belden — Had she no explanation? 

Sewell — She was attacked, and escaped. That's the ex- 
planation. 

Mrs. Belden — Where's her father and mother ? 

Sewell — We didn't pry the lid off the life of her an- 
cestors. 

Mrs. Belden (Significantly)— l^SLturaWy YOU accepted 
her at her FACE value. 

Sewell — And it's some value, believe me. 

Mrs. Belden (To Doctor) — Because this Miss Nobody 
from Nowhere smiles charmingly you go much further than 
you ever did before. You bring her right into my home. 
Is nothing sacred to you ? Why did you not pay for her at 
some shelter as you did the others until she showed her 
true colors ? 

Doctor — Have patience until you know her, my dear. 
She is different. The girl has innate refinement. What her 
sorrow is, I don't knovv^ When she is healed in body and 
soul, I'll have her leave. 

Sewell — It's in the cards that she won't go alone. 

Mrs. Belden (To Sewell) — She's the one you want to 
marry ? 

Doctor — Impossible. 

Mrs. Belden (To Sewell)— She is? 

Sewell (Bravely facing them) — Suppose she is. Sup- 
pose I love her. Suppose I know that she's the one person 
in the world that can keep me from going to hell. 



108 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — You'll never marry her.. 

Sevvell — What do you say, dad? 

Doctor — I agree with your mother — I don't approve. 

Sewell (Hotly) — What did you bring her here for? 
This is the first time I've had the genuine desire to be some- 
thing better than a rum-soaked hanger on. I can see it 
plain. You won't give me a start in life. I'm facing a 
stone wall. (Goes to door L.) Don't forget, I may climb 
the wall. I'll get money somehow. (Exit L.) 

Mrs. Belden — That's where your sentimentalities are 
leading us. We'll be the laughing stock of every friend we 
have. Order her out of the house at once. 

Doctor — You are blaming a mere child. 

Mrs. Belden (Pushes button for servant) — Child! 
She plays her cards so well in ten days that she has com- 
pletely hoodwinked you, and has Sewell gasping like a fish — 
a fish that wants to marry — her. (Picks up phone book and 
runs finger down list of names.) 

Doctor — My dear, I'd rather see a son of mine gasp as 
honestly and sincerely as Sewell does about this girl, than 
have him filching his emotions shamefully. (Exit L. Mrs. 
Belden takes phone off hook.) 

Mrs. Belden (In Phone) — Hello, get me Rector 8763. 
(Pause) Yes, is this the Woman's Night Court? This is 
Mrs. Belden — yes, of Doctor Belden's sanatorium, Stuyve- 
sant Square. Could you send an officer of your court over 
here right away? Yes, it's special. Get a taxi; I'll meet 
the expense. (Enter servant R.) 

Servant — Did you ring, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Belden — Yes. Gather up the silverware and bring 
it to the safe. 

Servant — Yes, ma'am. Anything else? 

Mrs. Belden— Bring the candle sticks in my room, also. 
You may also bring down that small clock, the one with the 
chime, in Doctor Belden's room. I'll get the rest of the 
things myself. 

Servant (Going L.) — Yes, ma'am. (Exit servant L.) 
(Enter Gertie R.) 



WILD OATS 109 

Gertie — Excuse me. There's a call for Doctor Belden. 

Mrs. Belden — Come here, girl. I want to speak to you. 

Gertie — Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Belden — Of course you heard a great deal about 
Doctor Belden before you came here? 

Gertie — No, ma'am. 

Mrs. Belden — You knew that he was an eccentric, kindly 
old doctor who had taken several girls out of your mode of 
life to reform them — and failed in each case. 

Gertie — ^^The girls of my mode of life don't need re- 
forming. 

Mrs. Belden — That's what they all thought, in the end. 
Some of them pretended differently for quite a while. 

Gertie — Pretended what ? 

Mrs. Belden — Pretended that they wanted to reform. 

Gertie — Well, I'm not pretending. 

Mrs. Belden — I'm glad to learn that. 

Gertie — I don't want to reform. 

Mrs. Belden — Your sincerity is commendable. I'll have 
you repeat that speech to Dr. Belden. 

Gertie — It can give no offense. 

Mrs. Belden — I want him to know that you're one honest, 
straightforward brand that refuses to be snatched from the 
burning. 

Gertie — Dr. Belden hired me as his assistant. He didn't 
mention anything about brands and burning. 

Mrs. Belden — He hired you in the court room ! 

Gertie — No. I was set free and out of the court room 
when he offered me work. 

Mrs. Belden — Don't you know that the Judge liberated 
you on Dr. Belden's account? 

Gertie — Yes, and I have thanked Dr. Belden, but I'd 
have been freed in any event. I had broken no law. 

Mrs. Belden — That's just what the others said. 



no WILD OATS 

Gertie— If the}? said it as I say it, it was true. 

Mrs. Belden — What were you doing in the hotel previous 
to being discovered on the fire-escape ? 

Gertie (Losing some of her assurmice) — Oh— that? 
Well, I went there because — Why does a person go to a 
hotel ? 

Mrs. Belden — Nice girls don't leave their homes and go 
to hotels. 

Gertie — I guess, according to that standard, I'm not a 
nice girl. 

Mrs. Belden— I quite agree with you. 

Gertie — Only a few, comparatively, are fortunate enough 
to be coddled and chaperoned. There's a great army of 
fine self-respecting girls in the world quite able to take care 
of themselves. I've tried to be one of them. 

Mrs. Belden — I want to know exactly how far you have 
succeeded. 

Gertie — I have succeeded to this extent, Mrs. Belden. 
My self-respect is still intact. If Dr. Belden had hired a 
man in my place, and he suited you, you wouldn't dare pry 
into his private life. He would be measured by his work. 
I demand exactly the same treatment. The instant Dr. Bel- 
den is dissatisfied with my work, I'll go. 

Mrs. Belden — You are putting yourself on a different 
footing than the facts of your engagement by Dr. Belden 
warrant. You were arrested. 

Gertie — You keep repeating that as if you were afraid 
I'd forget it. Some of the best men and women the world 
has ever known were arrested. Some were even condemned. 
At least, I escaped that — until I met you. {Enter servant 
with card. Mrs. B. reads.) 

Mrs. Belden (To servant)— Show him in. (Exit ser- 
vant. Gertie starts to go. To Gertie.) Don't go. There's 
someone here I want you to meet. 

Gertie — But I have my work to look after. 

Mrs. Belden (Imperious tone) — Stay here. (Enter 
Presser rear.) I'm glad you came, Mr. Presser. Do you 
recall this young woman? (Indicating Gertie.) 



WILD OATS 111 

Presser {To Gertie) — Why — {Looks closely at her) 
vou were up in the Woman's Night Court before Judge 
Miller. 

Mrs. Belden — On what charge? 

Presser — Disturbing the peace. 

Gertie — There you are, Mrs. Belden. It's official. My 
serious crime was screaming. 

Mrs. Belden {To Presser) — Why was she screaming? 

Presser — She was attacked, it seems, by a man. 

Mrs. Belden— In a room. It's an hotel of sorts where 
she was? 

Presser — All sorts. 

Gertie — They haven't special working-girl rates over at 
the Waldorf-Astoria. 

Mrs. Belden — What's the reputation of the place ? 

Presser — The usual Raines-law reputation. 

Mrs. Belden — What's that? 

Presser — None at all. 

Gertie — It has one virtue. It is cheap. 

Presser — Oh, not so very. 

Gertie — Anyhow, you'll admit it's the best I could do. 

Presser — There's the Florence Crittenden home for girls. 

Gertie — You forget that I was a stranger in New York. 
I went where I was directed. 

Mrs. Belden {Quickly) — Who directed you? 

Gertie {Hesitating) — Why, a friend. 

Mrs. Belden— a man — {Pause) It zuas a man! 

Gertie — Look here, Mrs. Belden, I've stood just as much 
as I'm going to of your insinuations. I won't answer another 
question. {Exit L.) 

Mrs. Belden {To Presser) — You must learn where she 
came from, who her companions were and all about her. 

Presser — ^That'll be a tough job. 



112 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — I'll pay you well for it. I don't mind tell- 
ing you that Dr. Belden has become as much attached to her 
as if she were his daughter. Then there's Dr. Belden's two 
sons, Rannock and Sewell. They are young men. You 
understand. 

Presser— Perfectly. I'll do my best to trace her. I 
wish I had a photograph of her. {Picks up photograph 
from table) Why, here's one. 

Mrs. Belden — Don't talk nonsense. That's a portrait of 
myself taken twenty years ago. 

Presser — I see that now. At first it looked a dead ringer 
for her. All right, I'll get busy. {Enter Sewell R.) 

Sewell — Hello, Presser, you haven't nerves, have you, 
that you want dad to fix up ? 

Presser — Why — er — no — can't say as I have. 

Mrs. Belden {Quickly) — Mr. Presser just dropped in to 
consult your father about his general health. That's all. 

Sewell — Your energetic attention to the arrival of pay 
day is telling on you. Take something for it. 

Presser {Goes to door rear) — I will — I'll take my pay. 
(Exit rear. Enter servant L. ivith jeivels and ornaments.) 

Mrs. Belden {To servant) — Put them in the safe. {Exit 
servant to safe.) 

Sewell {Watching servant off stage) — What's on? 
What's all this fuss about the family trinkets ? 

Mrs. Belden— Didn't you hear of burglars in the neigh- 
borhood? Of course not. Mr. Presser was saying that 
the police are keeping the matter secret in hopes of trapping 
the entire gang. 

Sewell — They'd get a nice haul here, wouldn't they? 

Mrs. Belden {Watching servant off) — This alone {Tak- 
ing off necklace) would keep one of them and his family 
for a lifetime. 

Sewell {Indicating jewels) — Why shouldn't that be 
translated into terms of human happiness? It's a wonder 
my mother didn't give that trinket to charity before she died. 

Mrs. Belden — How do you know that this particular 
necklace belonged to your mother? 



WILD OATS 113 

Sewell — Oh, I know. She left that with her other jewels 
to be divided between Rannock and me. IVe kept my eyes 
on it. 

Mrs. Belden — You'd better take a good long look at it 
now. 

Sewell — Thinking of planting it? 

Mrs. Belden (Indifferently)— Oh, I might exchange it — 
or sell it. 

Sewell (Hotly) — You wouldn't dare. It's my mother's. 

Mrs. Belden— You are positively amusing. (Enter 
servant L.) 

Servant— The silverware's in the safe, ma'am. 

Mrs. Belden — Take this, and this — (Gives servant ojets 
d'art from mantel. Exit servant to alcove.) 

Sewell — This burglar scare's certainly got you. 

Mrs, Belden — Not quite so much as the burglars have 
you. You're going to marry into that set, aren't you? (Exit 
R.) (Sezuell looks off, then goes to bookcase and takes 
volume which is a fake. He corned to table and fills glass 
zvith liquor from book and drinks. Enter Gertie dressed 
for street.) 

Gertie — Gesundheit ! 

Sewell — Ever read "Our Mutual Friend?" It's by 
Dickens. (Holds out fake book and hides glass.) 

Gertie — Smells as if your mutual friend was a brewer or 
something. 

Sewell — "Our Mutual Friend" is a dead one. Possibly 
that accounts for it. 

Gertie (Uncovering glass) — This is what gives off the 
fragrance, I think. 

Sewell (As if surprised) — That — Oh, that's my medi- 
cine. The fragrance is intended to fool my internal economy. 
It's one of those amiable fictions cooked up by the latest 
exponents of the Keeley cure. 

(jERTie (Picks up fake volume) — After your deep study 
of "Our Mutual Friend" by Dickens, you graduated from 
the Keeley Institute ? Is that it ? 



114 WILD OATS 

Sewell {Takes hook) — Dickens is a wonderful study. 
Diplomas guaranteed. I've got two signed by worthy Pro- 
fessor Keeley. 

Gertie — How old are you? 

Sewell — Oh, quite old, considering. I'm twenty-one. 

Gertie — When did you start this? {Indicating drink.) 

Sewell — So long ago I've forgotten. It was second na- 
ture. I went to a school where the head master requested 
the fashionable mothers not to serve champagne to his fash- 
ionable pupils at breakfast. 

Gertie — Did you have it for breakfast? 

Sewell- — I got mine for lunch. The boys smuggled it in. 
It was great sport. 

Gertie — I can imagine. 

Sewell — About the only fun I ever had to equal it was 
when I sold my first Keeley cure diploma to an old classmate 
of mine for enough to get soused. 

Gertie — Well, good-bye. I trust you'll get all the fun 
you want out of life peddling your other Keeley Cure dipl )- 
mas. 

Sewell — You're not going? {Sets doivn glass.) 

Gertie {Picks up bag) — Yes, I am. 

Sewell — For good. 

Gertie — For good. {Goes rear.) 

Sewell {Getting betzveen her and door) — You don't 
know what you're saying. Don't you know I love you. I 
want to marry you. 

Gertie — Do you think marriage might substitute for the 
Keeley cure for a month or two ? 

Sewell — I'll cut it all out. I'll sign the pledge now. 
Never touch a drop as long as I live. 

Gertie — You're a nice enough boy, Sewell, and I don't 
mind saying I've grown quite fond of you. But — pledges 
are pledges. 

Sewell — I know, you think I'm not a fighter — that I'll 
never win my way in the world {Stopping her progress as 
she tries to go out) . 



WILD OATS 115 

Gertie — Never mind what I think. Kindly let me pass. 

Sewell — You can't go, I tell you. My whole life's bound 
up with yours. If you go I'll do something desperate. 

Gertie — That's the kind of talk would make me go, if 
nothing else would. 

Sewell — What started this ? Why do you make up your 
mind to go all of a sudden ? I know, it was my step-mother. 

Gertie— What has she to do with me? 

Sewell — She did it. I know. I'll make her pay. 

Gertie — You leave her alone. She did nothing. I'm just 
tired of the place. 

Sewell — You got tired mighty quick after she came. 
Only an hour ago you were going around here singing. Dad 
thought — (Pause) What does he say about your going? 

Gertie — Nothing yet. I left a note for him. 

Sewell — Afraid to face him! 

Gertie — Why should I be afraid? 

Sewell — Because you're putting over a shabby trick on 
him. Honest, I've never seen him take so madly to anyone. 
You might be his daughter the way he goes on about you. 

Gertie — I'm awfully sorry for him and I don't mind say- 
ing I'm sorry that I have to leave such a good home. I've 
been quite happy here. And that right on the heels of a 
settled conviction that I'd never be happy again. 

Sewell (Earnestly) — Did I help? Say I did, Gertie. 
Say I was some good some time. 

Doctor (Entering, rear) — Going out, Gertie? 

Sewell — Dad, she's running away. 

Doctor — Are you going to leave us, Gertrude ? 

Gertie — Yes, Doctor. I left a little note thanking you 
for your kindness. Do you mind shaking hands with me? 
(Goes to him and holds out hand.) 

Doctor — I'm heartily sorry you have made up your mind 
to leave us. I'll miss you. My patients will miss you. I 
had thought that you would become reconciled to the shut- 
in kind of life, and take to the work. 



116 WILD OATS 

Gertie — ^You don't know what this experience has been 
to me. I'll never forget it. Nor shall I ever forget you. 

Sewell — If it all meant so much to you, why are you 
running away ? 

Doctor — Miss Gertrude is not running away, Sewell. 
She is going of her own volition. It is not ours to question 
her actions or her motives. {To Gertie) Permit me to see 
you to the door. {She picks up hag. He leads her out rear.) 

Gertie — Good-bye, Sewell. 

Sewell — Good-bye, Gertie, good-bye. {Long pause.) 
Oh, hell. What's the use? {He turns to table and drinks 
the liquor at a gulp. Fills glass and repeats. Then he 
drinks from the fake hook. Enter Mrs. Belden L. with 
trinkets and a small clock. Sewell sits as if studying hook.) 

Mrs. Belden {Lays stuff on table) — You've become quite 
studious lately. 

Sewell — I'm determined to get another diploma. 

Mrs. Belden {E.vits L. and re-enters) — Wait until you 
have one first. 

Sewell — I've diplomas that are not recognized among the 
high-brows, but I've got them. 

Mrs. Belden — Much good may they do you! 

Sewell— It's the getting them that does me the most 
good. That is, you know, the leading up — the preliminary 
studies. 

Mrs. Belden — Are you going to be here a minute or two ? 
I want to get the rest of the things. 

Sewell — If the irrigation system holds out, I'll take root 
here. 

Mrs. Belden— See that nothing happens. {Exit R.) 

Sewell — Nothing will happen. {Staggers to L. and 
looks off. Then disappears in alcove. He re-enters and re- 
sumes position. Re-enter Mrs. Belden R. with more ojets 
d'art. She goes to alcove.) 

Mrs. Belden — That's about all. 

Sewell {Laying fake hook down) — That's about enough. 



WILD OATS 117 

Mrs. Belden — You certainly have applied yourself more 
than usual this afternoon. 

Sewell — Greater incentive. First of all, the study is an 
enticing one, then the reward is not to be sneezed at. 

Mrs. Belden (Coming over to him, she sniffs) — Why, 
what's that? 

Sewell — What's what? 

Mrs. Belden — The smell? It's whiskey, I do believe. 
(She picks up fake book and puts it to her nose. Pours 
out the few remaining drops.) 

Sewell — Too late. I've completed the course in "Our 
Mutual Friend," by Dickens. Absolutely completed it. 

Mrs. Belden — You certainly have. And I see that third 
diploma waiting for you. 

Sewell — Yours is the true prophetic insight. 

Mrs. Belden — A nice mess you're making of your life. 

Sewell — Well, it's my own life. 

Mrs. Belden — It's anything but respectable. 

Sewell — Permit me. I'm rather glad I made a fizzle 
of my existence now. 

Mrs. Belden— Why ? 

Sewell — By no stretch of the imagination can it ever be 
said that I even tried to be respectable. (Exit L.) (Enter 
Doctor rear.) 

Mrs. Belden (Holding out fake book) — Did you see this? 

Doctor — "Our Mutual Friend!" (Takes it) Good read- 
ing, I remember, when I read it. 

Mrs. Belden — Drank it. 

Doctor — Read it. 

Mrs. Belden — Not this "Mutual Friend." This is by 
Sewell, for Sewell and of Sewell for the propagation of faith 
in the Keeley cure. You don't read it ; you drink it. ( While 
talking she shozus him that it is a disguised bottle. She holds 
it to his nose.) 

Doctor — Bless my soul ! 



118 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — What are you going to do? 

Doctor — What can one do ? 

Mrs. Belden — He is heading straight to the devil. In 
fact the whole world is. 

Doctor — From the time of the prophets to the present, 
the world has been on the brink of destruction. Somehow 
or other, we have never toppled over. Nor will we. 

Mrs. Belden — You seem sure of that. 

Doctor — I am. Nature is always trying to establish a 
balance. Just as sure as there is excessive individual or 
social sin, so there is a swing to the opposite, and we have 
excessive virtue. I really don't know which is worse. {En- 
ter Rannock rear. He is a self-centered egoist, zvith the 
morals of a mink. About 26.) 

Rannock — Hello, dad. How are you, mater? 

Doctor — We heard from you only once in two weeks, 
Rannock. 

Rannock — Off on a lark. Yachting, you know. Went 
as far south as the Bahamas, 

Mrs. Belden — Even Dorothy didn't get a line from you. 

Rannock — I was dropping most of my lines to the fish. 
The biting was good, Dad. 

Mrs. Belden (Suspiciously) — You're not much sun- 
burned after the exposure. 

Rannock — Under awnings, looking lazily at the sea. 
Dodged the bronzing kisses. Then we did a great deal of 
our fishing at night. 

Mrs. Belden (Meaningly) — I've noticed that peculiarity 
of the present-day city young men to do most of their fishing 
at night. 

Rannock — Too bad, Mater, that there are no brakes on 
Time's car, so you could have kept in the running a. year or 
two longer with the city young women companions of the 
city young men. 

Doctor — Your mother is quite satisfied. 

Rannock (Cynically)- — I doubt it. You know, youth 
is always exceeding the speed limit, especially if feminine. 
Before a good-looking girl can find the right word to coax 



WILD OATS 119 

it to stay, it lays a wrinkle on her cheek that invites rouge 
the rest of her life. 

Mrs, Belden (Hotly) — I had all the enjoyment of youth 
that I wanted. 

Rannock (Quietly and knoivingly) — I'll bet you did. 
I'm always suspicious of the early days of those who grow 
excessively good in later life. 

Doctor — Rannock, you are over-stepping the line. 

Mrs. Belden (To Doctor) — I'm quite able to defend my- 
self, thank you. (To Rannock) Dorothy's sister Milhcent is 
here. She knows all about your philosophy. 

Rannock — Oh, yes, I was told you had exposed my minor 
deficiencies. 

Mrs. Belden — She told you everything I said about you ? 

Rannock — Well she did the best she could with her 
limited time. She had only a week. (Enter Millicent L. ivith 
jewel box which she gives to Mrs. Belden.) 

Millicent — The maid insisted on me bringing these to 
you. 

Mrs. Belden— I don't want you to run any unnecessary 
risks. (Takes jezvels.) I'll put them in the safe (Goes off 
into alcove.) 

Rannock (Indicating Mrs. Belden) — She hasn't suc- 
ceeded in marrying you off to anyone yet. 

Millicent — So far, I've escaped her matrimonial plans. 
Heaven help me in the next week or two. I think my 
mother's in the plot to bind me hand and foot and deliver 
me to some eligible. 

Mrs. Belden (Off stage, screaming) — They're gone! 
Help! (All rush to alcove. Enter Mrs. B.) 

Doctor — What is it? What's wrong? (Leading her to 
chair. ) 

Millicent— Tell us. What is it? 

Mrs. Belden — My necklace. Everything I had. 

Millicent — Stolen? Are my things gone, too? 

Mrs. Belden— Yours are in the safe. My necklace ! It 
was there ten minutes agfo ! 



120 WILD OATS 

Rannock — Ten minutes ago? Regular safe artists stick 
to the night shift. Someone in the house did it. 

Mrs. Belden {Recovering)- — -That's right. Gertrude. 
Get her. (Rises and goes R.) 

MiLLiCENT — Not that pretty nurse ? 

Mrs. Belden (About to go off 7?.)— Pretty thief! (To 
Doctor) Where is Gertie? 

Doctor (To Mrs. Belden) — She's not there. (Mrs B. 
turns from opening door R.) 

Mrs. Belden — W^here is she? 

Doctor — She went away. 

Rannock — Who are you talking about? 

Mrs. Belden — A thief. A girl of the underworld that 
your father picked up in the night court. 

Rannock — At it again, dad? 

Doctor — I don't believe the girl had anything to do with 
the robbery. 

Mrs. Belden — I expected you to say that. No one you 
know ever does anything. 

Rannock — This is not a case for argument. It's a case 
for the police. 

Mrs, Belden — Call them. 

Rannock (In phone) — Hello. Get me the police station. 
In a hurry. 

Curtain 

End of Act I 



WILD OATS 



ACT II 



Scene — Same as Act I. 

Time — Next morning. 

Mrs. Belden is discovered zvith servant. The 
servant is standing near bookcase, her arms held 
out receiving books from Mrs. Belden. Mrs. 
Belden is standing on a chair and after picking 
up a volume and shaking it and showing it is a 
fake book, pours liquor into a pitcher. Enter 
Rannock rear. 

Ran NOCK (Sniffs) — Have you run into a private dis- 
tillery? (Holds finger against the flowing liquor and places 
it against his lips.) It's the real stuff, (Takes empty book 
from her. Reads) "Our Mutual Friend!" 

Mrs. Belden — In five volumes. (She indicates books 
held by servant.) Count them. 

Rannock (Glancing at books) — Dickens certainly spread 
himself. 

Mrs. Belden (To servant) — You may go. (Exit servant 
L., carrying books and pitcher.) It was Sewell that spread 
himself. 

Rannock — He didn't write "Our Mutual Friend." 
Mrs. Belden — He found drinking it more to his taste. 

Rannock — I get you. Dad tells me that Sewell hasn't 
been home all night. 

Mrs. Belden — I know. I wonder if he's gone off with 
that little thief. 

Rannock — Now look here, Mater, that brother of mine is 
a rotter in a lot of ways, especially when it comes to lining 
up with "Our Mutual Friend" here (Indicating liquor in 
books), but he'd never crack a crib. 

Mrs. Belden — What's that ? 

121 



122 WILD OATS 

Rannock— Crack a crib ! Loot a safe ! Didn't you hear 
the police use it here last night? 

Mrs. Belden — Don't let the poHce become your standard 
in the matter of language. 

Rannock — They've got to become the standard of some- 
thing. They'll never be at detecting crime. I'll catch that 
girl myself, before they get around to think about it. 

Mrs. Belden — What have you done? 

Rannock — Dad told me he gave her an address. One of 
his temporary shelters. 

Mrs. Belden — You don't think she'd go there ! 

Rannock — She's been there. Promised to come back. 
Asked if she could use it as an address for her mail. 

Mrs. Belden — It seems impossible. She's running into 
the lion's mouth. 

Rannock — That's just it. I have two lions ready to 
swallow her the minute she turns up again. 

Mrs. Belden — If she sold the jewels she'd never need 
to apply for shelter anywhere as long as she lived. 

Rannock — One can't sell a fifty-thousand-dollar necklace 
over night. She's planted it, and is waiting until the ex- 
citement dies down. Why, her going where Dad sent her 
will be almost an alibi for her. Everybody'll ask why she 
took the chance. Didn't you? Unless you find the jewels 
on her, you can't prove anything. 

Mrs. Belden — What are we to do? 

Rannock — My private detective will bring her here. 
We'll tell her she was seen taking the stuff. 

Mrs. Belden — She must be punished. 

Rannock — She will be. Any promise we make needn't 
bind us. {Enter Doctor R.) 

Doctor — Can anything have happened Sewell ? 

Mrs. Belden — He's certainly old enough to take care 
of himself. 

Doctor — I often wonder if we ever get old enough for 
that. I wish you'd go to some of his old haunts and try and 
find him, Rannock. 



WILD OATS 123 

Rannock — I've been on the go all night trying to get 
track of the thief. I'm all beat up. 

Doctor — The hunting instinct is uppermost in you. 

Rannock — Nice thanks for my work trying to get the 
jewels back. 

Doctor — Your mother will thank you for that. I am 
more interested in those actions of yours that show the man- 
ner of man you are than all the gew-gaws ever manufactured. 

Mrs. Belden — I may have said many things about Ran- 
nock in the past. I want to apologize. He has been a com- 
fort to me all through my loss. 

Doctor — Dear female of the species, how emotional con- 
gruity blinds you to the fact that I am merely reaching down 
into the personality of Rannock to see the soul his environ- 
ment has developed. 

Rannock — My soul's all right — if I have one. 

Doctor — You should never doubt the existence of your 
soul. It is the fine, noble, forgiving part of you. 

Rannock (Yazvning, goes L.) — If that's the case, I'll 
interview it in my sleep. I never come face to face with it 
when I'm awake. (Exit L.) 

Mrs. Belden — Rannock is really doing wonders to catch 
the thief. 

Doctor — I confess I'm sorry. He shows more zeal in this 
than in anything he has ever taken up before. I'd hate to 
have a detective in the family. 

Mrs. Belden — I expect you to become maudlin over the 
creature when he finds her, and beg us to let her go. 

Doctor — Unless she's an habitual criminal, I'd say resti- 
tution is punishment enough. 

Mrs. Belden — Nonsense. A term in prison will teach 
her better. 

Doctor — Even if she is guilty, a term in prison will turn 
her out worse. She will then be mentally alienated from 
her social group and she'll rebel because she'll instinctively 
know that in taking the necklace she obeyed a primitive im- 
pulse stronger than herself, and an impulse for which she 
is no way responsible. 



124 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — A rather fine spun theory, isn't it? 

Doctor — I'm dealing with facts. We've all been first 
ofi^enders. 

Mrs. Belden — -Everybody ? 

Doctor — There isn't a man or woman alive that has not 
been, at one time or other, a criminal. I have been one — 
you have been one. 

Mrs. Belden {Half fearfully) — How do you know? 

Doctor — Because we have obeyed the call of ancestors 
who have w^ritten their desires in our blood and nerves. 

Mrs. Belden (Recovering)—! believe that this girl is 
fully responsible for every act of her life. 

Doctor — When the actions are good, yes. Do you know 
that almost every natural impulse of ours is vicious. It's 
against some law. Our environment is an aid to sin. 

Mrs. Belden — Don't tell me I've ever been a thief, even 
mentally. 

Doctor — Perhaps you have been worse, according to some 
standards. Not mine, remember. Accepting these stand- 
ards, few dare tabulate their thoughts for the world to read. 

Mrs. Belden — I'm not ashamed of what I think. 

Doctor — You are exceptional. Only saints can hold aloof 
from our fellow creatures and create a Heaven in the midst 
of our hell here. Unfortunately we have just a limited 
number of saints in our city directory. 

Mrs. Belden — I don't care. If you're making a plea for 
this girl in advance, you can stop. She'll have to pay for 
what she did. I believe everyone should pay. (Enter ser- 
vant, followed by Pressor.) 

Presser — I have good news for you, ma'am. The girl's 
father has been to the hotel looking for her. 

Mrs. Belden — Pie's one of the gang of burglars that she's 
in with. 

Doctor — Isn't that jumping to a conclusion? 

Mrs. Belden (Ignoring Doctor. To Presser)— Do you 
know that she ran away with my pearl iiecklace? 

Presser (Astonished) — No! 



WILD OATS 125 

Doctor {To Mrs. Belden) — Neither do you. 

Mrs. Belden {To Doctor, exasperated) — Ob, I don't ex- 
pect you to listen to reason. 

Presser — The soft stuff don't go with her kind, Doctor. 
I knew she'd turn some trick. 

Mrs. Belden {To Presser) — You can recognize her, I 
wish you'd go down to — {To Doctor) What address was 
that you gave her to find shelter? 

Doctor {Showing that he intends to keep it secret) — Oh 
— that — I have forgotten. 

Mrs. Belden {Satirically) — You have a very convenient 
memory. You told Rannock on the impulse, no doubt. I'll 
find out from him. {Exit L.) 

Doctor (To Presser) — You are very zealous in your pur- 
suit of this poor creature. 

Presser — Well, Doctor, we all know how good your heart 
is. But if we didn't keep hot on the trail of crooks, the 
world would go to the devil. 

Doctor — Good authorities, including a number of duly 
accredited prophets, say that it is going there anyhow. 

Presser — I believe that. 

Doctor — Then why interfere with the inevitable? 

Presser — What's that ? 

Doctor — I say, why try to stop what can't be stopped ? 

Presser — It keeps us busy. There's a mighty lot of fine 
men and women would be out of work if all the people 
turned good on a sudden. 

Doctor — There you have the very essence of the thing. 
Cut off the pay of the law makers, let your law enforcers 
work as hard as you like for nothing, and there would be 
fewer statutes to break, and fewer broken. 

Presser — What would become of the law? 

Doctor — If I degraded myself enough to say what I 
think of some of our laws I'd put myself on a level with 
some of our law makers. 

Presser — Do you know, Doctor, I sometimes think you're 
a little bit of an anarchist. 



126 WILD OATS 

Doctor- — If reducing the chances of a lot of people to 
stick their collective noses into my private affairs is anar- 
chism, make the most of it. {Enter Mrs. Belden L.) 

Mrs. Belden — Here's the address. (Holds out scrap of 
paper.) You'll find a private detective waiting for her there. 

Presser (Takes paper) — If she turns up, we'll nab her. 

Mrs. Belden— .Bring her here. 

Doctor — Do. 

Presser — That's hardly regular. 

Mrs. Belden — Do it. We want to get the jewels back. 
We must get them. I'll make it right with you. 

Doctor— Don't put her in a cell until you can't help your- 
self. I ask that as a personal favor. 

Presser — Well, I guess it'd do no particular harm. (Goes 
tip, turns at door.) Say, I left this address at that hotel for 
her father. He may be up here any minute. 

Doctor — Thank vou. She'll need every friend she can 
find. 

Presser — You bet. Once we get our mitts on her, friends 
won't do her much good. (Exit Presser rear.) 

Mrs. Belden — I'm going to make the case of this girl 
a warning to you. After this you'll see the danger you run 
with every one of her kind that you waste your time and 
energy on. (Goes R.) 

Doctor — So you are hounding her and holding her guilty 
of theft in your own mind and in the mind of every person 
you meet to reform me ? 

Mrs. Belden — She's guilty. That settles it. (Exit R. 
Enter Presser rear with Gertie and a detective. The detec- 
tive appears at door rear. Presser comes dozvn with Gertie. 
Exit detective rear. ) 

Presser — Here she is. Mendal here was toting her along 
when I met them. 

Gertie — Doctor! 

Doctor — I'm glad to see you back, my child. 

Gertie — Why didn't you send a note for me ? These men 
said I had to come along, just as if I were arrested. 



WILD OATS 127 

Doctor — Assure her that she is not under arrest. (Presser 
hesitates.) Do it. 

Presser — As far as I know, you're not. You see you're 
paroled in the Doctor's care. 

Doctor (Joyfully) — That's it. Don't you remember the 
Judge released you on condition that you remain in my 
house. 

Gertie — I can't stay here. 

Presser — You'll be lucky if it turns out that you can. 

Gertie — What do you mean ? 

Doctor — He means that you are really more fortunate 
than you know being permitted to stay here. 

Gertie — I won't stay. 

Presser (Meaningly) — You'd better. The Judge might 
order you into a cell, you know. 

Doctor — Yes, my child — let me persuade you. Please 
go to your old room. (Gertie goes R.) 

Presser (Stopping her) — Not so fast. Where's Mrs. 
Belden? 

Gertie (To Presser) — How long does that parole last? 

Presser — Thirty days altogether. 

Gertie — That means I have to serve two weeks more. 

Doctor — I promise to make the time as agreeable for 
you as possible. 

Gertie — There's only one thing I'll ask if I stay. Ar- 
range it so I won't meet Mrs. Belden. (Enter Mrs. B., L.) 

Mrs. Belden (To Presser) — You found her? 

Presser — Yes, ma'am. 

Mrs. Belden — Did you get her accomplices? 

Doctor (To Gertie) — You may go to your room, Gertie. 
(Gertie opens door R.) 
Mrs. Belden (To Gertie) — You stay here. 

Gertie (Going to Presser) — I've changed my mind. I 
don't want to be paroled. I'll risk having the Judge send 
me to a cell for two weeks. 



128 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — You'll spend a great deal more there than 
two weeks. 

Doctor — Be careful. 

Mrs. Belden — You are going to be convinced this time 
so that one of her kind will never set foot in my house again. 

Doctor— Let her go, and I'll promise now never to have 
a tender thought toward a fellow creature as long as I live. 

Mrs. Belden — I will if she gives up the necklace. 

Gertie — Necklace ! What necklace ? 

Doctor — See, I told you she knew nothing of it. 

Mrs. Belden {To Presser) — Lijured innocence! You've 
encountered that before. 

Presser — They're all angels, if you take their stories, 
ma'am. 

Gertie {To Presser) — I want to know what new charge 
you're fixing up against me. 

Presser — Cut that. Just as soon as crooks get their 
second wind after the dope's on them for fair, they begin 
to holler frame-up. 

Gertie {To Doctor) — You tell me all about this. Doctor. 
I'm sure you think me entitled to an explanation. 

Doctor — I do. I'm sorry for you and I want to say that 
I do not believe the charge. 

Mrs. Belden — Look here, girl, don't run off with the 
notion that he can save you. 

Gertie {To Mrs. Belden) — You tell, then. You seem 
to know all about everything. 

Mrs. Belden — I know all about you. 

Gertie — Then tell me about myself. 

Presser — You copped a necklace out of the safe here be- 
fore your getaway. 

Gertie {To Doctor, incredulously) — Pie says I stole a 
necklace out of YOUR house. Doctor? 

Mrs. Belden — I say so, too. 

Gertie {To Doctor) — You don't believe it? 



WILD OATS 129 

Doctor — My child, I'd hardly believe it if you confessed. 

Mrs. Belden {To Doctor) — I wish you'd go and leave 
me to deal with this case. I want to get my jewels back. 

Gertie — Don't leave me alone with them, Doctor. You 
seem to be the only one in the world that thinks there's any 
truth in anything. You believe in me. 

Mrs. Belden — It's not a matter of believing in you. It's 
a matter of just plain proof that you are one of a gang of 
thieves. 

Doctor {To Mrs. Belden) — You have no proofs of any- 
thing of the sort. 

Mrs. Belden — Haven't I? 

Gertie — You can't have. {To Presser) If you knew me, 
you'd know how impossible it all is. 

Presser — Now's the time to tell all about yourself. 

Mrs. Belden — Who are you? Where did you come 
from? 

Doctor — If you are frank, it will help you. 

Gertie {After pause) — Very well. 

Presser — Stick to the truth. 

Gertie — I will. 

Mrs. Belden — You've decided to confess! 

Gertie {Wearily to Doctor) — Do you mind if I sit down? 

Doctor — Pardon me. Here — {Places chair for her.) 

Gertie — About three weeks ago I came to New York 
from a small town. 

Presser — There's a lot of small towns. 

Mrs. Belden — Tell us which one. 

Gertie — Brockton. It's known as a factory town. I 
worked in one of the factories, but not steadily. 

Presser — Did you live in Brockton alone? 

Gertie — I lived with my father. 

Presser- — ^What's his name and address? 



130 WILD OATS 

Gertie — I'll tell you about him. 

Mrs. Belden — Tell us where we can find him. That's all 
we want to know. 

Gertie — I can't tell you. 

Presser — Why not ? 

Gertie — He left Brockton. I don't know where he is. 

Mrs. Belden — A likely story. 

Doctor — Tell us why you came to New York. 

Gertie — To look for my father. 

Presser — If you didn't know where your father went to 
when he left Brockton, why did you come to New York to 
look for him? 

Gertie — I got a letter from him. 

Mrs. Belden — Where's that letter? 

Gertie — I left it in Brockton. 

Presser — With his address in it? 

Gertie — There was no address in it. 

Mrs. Belden — You said you came here because his let- 
ter gave you a New York address. 

Gertie— I did not. I knew he v/as here from the post- 
mark only. 

Presser — You wriggled out of that in good shape. 

Doctor {Severely to Presser)— T\\& girl is not wriggling 
out of anything. I'll order you out of the house if you 
repeat that. 

Presser — The hell you v/ill. If I go, she'll go with me. 

Doctor— Not without a warrant. 

Presser {Tapping pocket containing revolver) — I've a 
little warrant here that goes further with crooks than any 
you ever saw. 

Mrs. Belden {To Presser)— You'd better take her along. 
She is just heaping lie on lie. {Presser goes to Gertie. She 
rims to the Doctor.) 



WILD OATS 131 

Gertie — Save me, Doctor. Let me tell the rest of it in 
my own way. Don't question me. You'll see it's the truth. 

Doctor {Gets betzveen Gertie and Presscr. To Gertie) — 
Stay here. {To Presser) Now, I'm an old man, but I swear 
to you, official or no official, if you interfere with this child 
in any way I'll — 

Presser {Contemptuously) — What'll you do? 
Doctor — Don't touch her, that's all. 

Presser — I got your number. {To Gertie) Why did your 
father run away from Brockton. Why didn't he tell you 
where he was going; why didn't he give you his address in 
the letter he sent you? And how did he know enough to 
call at your hotel here to find you? 

Gertie {Anxiously) — Did he call? 

Presser — He did. 

Gertie — Then he's alright. Thank God. No doubt he 
went back to Brockton and received the letter I sent there 
the first hour I was in New York. 

Presser — That don't answer my other questions. 

Gertie — -Well, if you must know, there's something" wrong 
with my father. 

Mrs. Belden — There's something wrong with you, too. 

Gertie {To the Doctor and ignoring Mrs. Belden) — For 
months he'll go along all right. He's an accountant, well 
educated. He taught me nearly all I know. Then all of a 
sudden he'll break out. You know, Doctor, some old idea 
gets possession of his mind. It was some woman — my 
mother, I think — that caused it all. She ran away from 
him. 

Doctor — He has hallucinations. Sees her. Goes off in 
search of her. 

Gertie — ^That's it. He's completely out of his mind for 
the time. It has been growing worse lately. He lost his 
position over a year ago because of it. That's why I had 
to give up my studies and go into the factory. 

Doctor — And that made him brood all the more, of 
course. 

Gertie — It was his brooding over spoiling my life, as he 
said, that caused him to go away this time. 



132 WILD OATS 

Presser (Craftily) — What made you think you could 
find )^our father in New York without any address ? 

Gertie — A young man told me I could. He said he was 
well acquainted with the police and would organize a sys- 
tematic search. I was out of work, anyhow, because of my 
illness, so I decided to go. 

Mrs. Belden — You left Brockton with this young man? 

Gertie — No. To keep people from talking he got on the 
train at the next station. 

Presser — What was he like? Fashionable young man? 
Dapper, well dressed? Plenty of rings and other jewels? 
What name did he give? 

Gertie — Albert Marsdan. 

Presser — A regular crook's alias. 

Mrs. Belden — How did you come to meet him? 

Gertie — One of the girls in the factory introduced me. 

Mrs. Belden — Didn't it seem strange that he should be 
so solicitous for your welfare? 

Doctor — Not at all. Why should it? 

Presser — Of course, he made love to you. 

Gertie — Well, he was educated, had fine ways, good 
clothes and so absolutely easy and certain of himself, that 
he made me long for life in his world in spite of myself. 

Doctor — Naturally. 

Gertie — Something in here (Pressing hands on heart), 
kept saying that that was my own world — that I had been 
robbed of it. My eyes were opened for the first time to the 
people around me. How I rebelled against their sordidness ! 
For the first time I knew I was dififerent, that my father was 
different. I had always idealized my mother. Now I 
wanted to find my father to make him break his silence 
about her. J. knew she was of this new world of soft voices, 
suave manners, long, clean, slender hands and no anxiety 
over the next meal. 

Mrs. Belden (Sneering) — You thought you might be an 
aristocrat ? 



WILD OATS 133 

Gertie — Why not? My father isn't an ordinary work- 
ing man. I naturally supposed my mother was of his own 
class. 

Presser — Well, when did this fine gentleman with the 
crook's moniker quit being a heartbreaker, and let you in 
on his real trade of housebreaker? 

Gertie — He's no housebreaker, whatever else he may be. 

Presser {Surprised tone) — Didn't he pick you for his 
inside worker? 

Mrs. Belden — He's the one has my jewels. 

Doctor — Tell us the rest of your story, Gertrude. 

Gertie — Isn't that enough ? 

Presser — You've only started. How did you come to be 
in that Raines-Law Hotel? 

Gertie — I went there. 

Mrs. Belden— With him? 

Gertie — He took me there, yes. 

Presser — Well, go on. How did you come to rush scream- 
ing out on the fire escape? 

Gertie {To Doctor)— Must I tell that? 

Doctor — We'd better know everything if this charge is 
to be disproved. 

Gertie — I ran out on the fire escape to get away from 
him. 

Presser — Albert Marsdan ? 

Mrs. Belden — You knew what he was. Why did you 
run away from him? 

Presser — Did you quarrel over a division of the loot? 

Gertie {Wearily, to Doctor) — They don't seem to want 
to understand. I'll tell you, Doctor. After we had dinner 
I went to my room. Presently a tap caime to the door. I 
opened it and he stepped in. 

Mrs. Belden — Yes, go on. 

Gertie — It's all too horrible. I am trying to forget it. 
He had registered for me. Said I was his wife. When the 



134 WILD OATS 

clerk brought me the book to prove it, it Avas there plain 
enough. Nothing that I could do had any effect. Every- 
body laughed at my protest. 

Doctor — My poor little girl ! 

Gertie — He seemed to have the hotel owner, the clerk, 
everybody bribed, or they were just naturally bad. I threat- 
ened to tell the police. They answered that I had entered 
the place willingly with — with him — don't ask me to tell 
any more. 

Presser — I can riddle your story just like shooting buck- 
shot into it, but I want to hear it all. 

Mrs. Belden — Complete what you've started. 

Doctor — Go on, Gertrude. 

Gertie — Well, you heard the testimony they gave in 
court about my being a woman — a woman of the street. 
That was because I fought and attracted attention to the 
place. The police were against me, too. 

Doctor — I believe that. 

Presser — How did you get to the fire escape? 

Gertie — I hit him with a drinking glass and cut him 
above the eye. It dazed him. Then I jumped out of the 
window. 

Mrs. Belden — You knew the fire escape was there to 
catch you. 

Gertie— I hadn't time to think of that. It was mere 
luck that it was there. 

Mrs. Belden — I'll tell you what I think of your story. 
You imagine yourself a heroine of some yellow novel you've 
read. 

Gertie {To Doctor) — You believe me. Doctor? 

Doctor — Every word. 

Presser — Why didn't you give your right name and ad- 
dress and tell your story in court? 

Gertie — It would kill my father, if he knew. I wouldn't 
be able to hold my head up again in Brockton. 

Presser — Well, I guess I'm through. {Going up.) 

Mrs. Belden {To Presser) — You don't mean to say 
you believe her? 



WILD OATS 135 

Presser— Not exactly, but — 

Mrs. Belden — I want- — my jewels. She took them. I 
know it. 

Presser — Who saw her take them ? 

Mrs. Belden (Hesitating) — Rannock says she was seen 
with them. 

Presser — Who's Rannock ? 

Doctor — My eldest son. lie was nowhere in the neigh- 
borhood when this happened. 

Mrs. Belden — Take her to prison. He'll appear against 
her. So will I unless she confesses. (To Gertie) Why don't 
you confess. We won't prosecute you if you do. 

Presser (To Gertie) — That's a good offer. Come through 
now. Can't you see they've got the goods on you. 

Gertie — Dear God, what am I going to do? 

Mrs. Belden (To Presser) — She's wavering. 

Presser (To Gertie) — Don't you see we're your friends. 
Make a clean breast of it. Lead us to the sparklers and 
we'll plug for you. 

Gertie (Running at him and screaming) — Oh, you brute. 
Get away from me. 

Presser (Grabbing her) — Not if I know myself. You'll 
come right along now. 

Doctor — Leave that girl alone ! (Picks up chair and ad- 
vances on Presser.) 

Presser — That's your game, is it? (Putting hand in 
pocket for gun.) Try anything like that and you'll look like 
a sieve. (Enter Rannock R.) 

Rannock — What's the matter? 

Gertie — You ! 

Rannock — Gertie ! ! 

Doctor- — You know her? 

Rannock — Yes. 

Mrs. Belden — Where did you know her ? 



136 WILD OATS 

Gertie — Wait, I'll tell you. {To Rannock) I met you in 
Brockton, didn't I? {Rannock nods in acquiescence.) I 
was a mill hand ; you were like the lord of the manor of old. 
You condescended to smile on me. 

Rannock— Why not? You're a pretty girl. 

Gertie — You courted me after your fashion. And undfer 
the guise of friendship you lured me from Brockton to New 
York. {To others) This is Albert Marsdan. 

Mrs. Belden — He is not. 

Gertie — Then who is he? 

Doctor — My son. 

Gertie — Doctor, your son ! 

Rannock {To Presser) — It's a trifle embarrassing to 
have strangers about. You'd better run along. 

Mrs. Belden — Do. This is a family matter that we'll 
fix up among ourselves. 

Presser — Not so's you'd notice it. How about the jewels? 
She was seen stealing them. 

Mrs. Belden — That was a mistake. I said it to frighten 
her. 

Presser {To Rannock) — What she says is true? {Indi- 
cating Gertie.) {Rannock nods.) Comes from Brockton. 
Father ran away. She came here to find him? Straight? 
Eh ? In with no crooks ? Wouldn't pinch a necklace ? 

Rannock — Run away and forget it. She's more of a 
Puritan than Plymouth Rock. She's so straight up and 
down she leans over backwards. 

Presser {Approaches Rannock) — Well, you're the one I 
want. Your alias is Marsdan — Albert Marsdan. I'll just 
take you along for fracturing the Mann law. It's federal 
prison for yours. You're quite a gay little boy when your 
father isn't around. 

Mrs. Belden — You can't arrest him. 

Presser {He has Rannock by the arm) — No? Guess 
again. 

Doctor {To Gertie)— Yon don't want him punished? 



WILD OATS 137 

Gertie {To Doctor, tenderly) — You love him very much? 

Doctor — He's my first-born. 

Presser {To Rannock as he takes him rear) — Come right 
along, sonny. 

Mrs. Belden — We'll never get over this disgrace. It 
will ruin us. 

Rannock {To Presser) — Where's your warrant? 

Presser — That's old stuff. I always have a little warrant 
here that barks what it says. {Holds hand in pocket.) 

Mrs. Belden — Pardon me, Mr. Presser. No one will 
interfere with you in the line of your duty. Suppose you 
allow Rannock to remain here tonight. I'll give you my 
word that he'll be at your service when you want him. 

Doctor — I'll add the weight of my personal pledge to 
that. 

Rannock — Give us a chance to secure a lawyer and to 
arrange for bail. I promise not to run away. 

Doctor — ^^There's a good fellow. We won't forget it. 

AIrs. Belden — I'll make everything right with you. 

Presser — I'm strong for you, Doctor. If I was in a fix 
you'd give me all the time I'd ask. {To Rannock) I'll give 
you just an hour. {Calls off.) Here, TaggartI {Enter 
detective rear.) You go in there. {Leading him R.) Lamp 
the young guy. Don't let him out. You understand? Use 
your gat if you have to. {Exit detective R.) {To Rannock) 
I'll .stay right here in this hallway. {Goes rear.) Take a 
tip from me. Don't try any fancy footwork. 

Doctor — Don't be afraid. He'll be here when you want 
him. 

Presser — You're always on the level, Doctor, and it's for 
you I'm taking this long chance with my meal ticket. {Exit 
rear.) 

Doctor {To Rannock) — What can you say for yourself 
in the face of such a crime ? 

Mrs. Belden — It's worse than a crime. It's a blunder. 

Rannock — A man's life is just a series of blunders. 
Ninety-nine and seven-tenths of them wear skirts. 



138 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden {To Gertie) — You're just as bad as he is. 
You drew him on. 

Gertie — Let him tell you if I did or not. 

Mrs. Belden — Oh, I know. You thought you'd use him 
to climb on to reach your imagined aristocratic birth-right. 

Ran NOCK — Easy with that. I did all the hunting. Look 
her over. She's alright. If God didn't intend men to pur- 
sue women, he'd have made them all flat-chested. 

Doctor {To Gertie) — I knew from the outset you were 
fine and true. 

Rannock — If she hadn't been such a hard-shell little 
Puritan I'd never gone as far as I did. She's the original 
essential monogamist with a marriage ceremony attachment. 

Doctor {To Rannock) — It's the sheer cold-blooded im- 
morality of your act that's appalling. 

Rannock — It's going on a blamed sight worse right here 
in this city every night. 

Doctor — I forbid you to marry Dorothy Vernon. You 
are a menace to the finest institution that our civilization 
has developed. 

Rannock — Listen, Dad, you haven't kept up with the 
procession. Don't you know that every civilization is de- 
stroyed by its clever men ? Whatever is accomplished they 
hate. Above all, they hate any perfect moral institution of 
a preceding generation. 

Doctor — Are you drawing on philosophy to justify your 
villainies ? 

Rannock — I'm drawing on history. Dad. Human ex- 
perience. My heart is plural. Why shouldn't it be so? 
Yours was at my age. {To Mrs. Belden) So was yours. 
{To Doctor) You had the harem instinct when you were 
young. You sowed your wild oats. So did you. Mater. 

Mrs. Belden — I — I never! 

Rannock — There, don't be embarrassed. You've for- 
gotten, that's all. So has Dad. After you crossed the 
Rubicon of forty years you forgot how you rebelled against 
the established order in morals of your young days. 

Doctor — Where are you leading with all this? 



WILD OATS 139 

Rannock — To where you'll consider the case of this girl 
and myself without any moral hysterics. A highly virtuous 
middle-class attitude moves me to extinction. 

Mrs. Belden — Have you a plan? 

Rannock — There speaks the woman. Our first move will 
be on the hotel. No doubt they run their register on the 
loose-leaf ledger system. They should. If not, you must 
tear the page out where I registered as Albert Marsdan 
and wife. 

Doctor — That's a felony. 

Rannock — You notice that I addressed my remarks to 
Mater. I'll pit the maternal instinct, plus a fear of what 
the neighbors will say, against any legislative enactment ever 
carried through. 

Mrs. Belden — Are you sure I can get at the book ? 

Rannock (To Doctor)— What did I tell you? (To Mrs. 
Belden) When you go, wear a veil. Turn the pages of the 
register until you come to the right one. Point to it with a 
fifty-dollar bill, and wait. 

Mrs. Belden— What next? 

Rannock — Just a moment. (Goes up quietly and opens 
door rear. Looks out, then closes it and comes doivn.) This 
next will square the thing in law, morals and convenience. 
You've got to act in this, Dad. 

Doctor— I'll not turn a hand for you. 

Rannock — The honor of the house of Belden means 
more to you than a momentary prejudice against me. 

Doctor — It's rather late in the day for you to think of 
the family honor. 

Rannock — I mean publicity for a delinquency. 

Mrs. Belden — Go on with the plan. What do you want 
him to do? 

Rannock — First, you must order the car. Then you 
must mix a good stout sleeping draught. Put it in some 
whiskey. When Presser is about to leave you must make 
him drink it. 

Mrs. Belden — That's exciting. 



140 WILD OATS 

DocTOE — The romance of it overshadows for you the 
responsibiHty. {To Rannock) I'm not going to be a party 
to your running away in that fashion. 

Rannock — I am not going to run away. (To Gertie) 
You will be in the car with me. 

Gertie — You think so? 

Rannock — Chaperoned by my father, we'll spin away 
quickly over the state line into Connecticut where no mar- 
riage license is needed. Once there, I'll marry you. 

Gertie — Oh — 

Doctor — There's a spark of decency in you, after all. 

Mrs. Belden — But Dorothy! 

Rannock — Can thank her lucky stars she missed me. (To 
Gertie) When we appear before the district attorney, le- 
gally married, Mr. Presser's story will sound like an attempt 
to blackmail an old and respected family. 

Mrs. Belden — Especially with the page missing from the 
hotel register. 

Gertie — Your plan to circumvent the law is very ingeni- 
ous, but you overlooked one thing. 

Rannock — What's that? 

Gertie — You didn't pick the right woman for a wife. 

Rannock — Oh, yes, I did! You forget that you haven't 
cleared your skirts yet of stealing the jewels. I saved you 
from that charge for this. (Millie ent appears R. and 
listens. ) 

. Mrs. Belden — ^Marry Rannock or go to prison. 

Curtain 

End of Act II 



WILD OATS 



ACT III 



Scene — Same as previous act. 

Time — A few minutes later. 

(Millicent tiptoes from L. to rear and beckons off for 
Presser, who appears rear.) 

Millicent — Come right in. 

Presser — Well, I don't mind, only I said as how I'd stay- 
in the hall. 

Millicent — What's it all about? 
Presser — It's a long story, miss. 

Millicent — I love long stories. Go on. Plas it a mys- 
tery in it? 

Presser — It has. 

Millicent — And a scandal? I dote on mysteries with a 
fringe of scandal. 

Presser — You talk as if it was a bit of passementerie. 
Millicent — Does it have a happy ending? 
Presser — I'm not so sure of that. 

Millicent — Oh, it must have. You know, I think that 
nurse girl is some class. She simply won't marry Rannock. 
Somebody's got to elope with somebody, that's it, isn't it? 

Presser — My throat gets dry trying to answer questions 
when I don't know the answers. I wish I had a drink. 

Millicent — Tell me why somebody has to elope with 
somebody. 

Presser — I'd like to elope with a long, lean, cool thirst 
quencher at this minute. 

Millicent — I'll get you something to drink right away. 
Will you tell me then? 

141 



142 WILD OATS 

Presser — ril babble like a brook. (Exit Millkent R. 
Enter Sewell rear.) 

Sewell — Hello, Presser. Still on tap, I see. 

Presser — Just waiting to get a drink. 

Sewell — Sounds familiar. If that's what you want, you 
met the right bartender. {Pulls chair over to bookstand, 
climbs on it and picks up book. Shakes it near his ear. 
Lays it down and takes up another. Bus. ad lib.) 

Presser (Coming dozvn,)—Vye got the habit. I can tell 
a ready little mixer a block away. 

Sewell — What the dickens ! Where's the Dickens? (Sits 
on back of chair, book in hand.) 

Presser — Something missing, sir ? 

Sewell — Yes, "Our Mutual Friend," in five volumes. 

Presser — Funny place to look for friends. Five of them ? 

Sewell — They're books. 

Presser — Were you going to do a little studying? I 
don't want no fancy drink, sir. 

Sewell (Thoughtfully) — I'm studying how to get you 
any kind of a drink. 

Presser — You weren't trying to get a nip of liquor out 
of that, were you? (Indicating book.) (Sezvell nods.) I've 
always found books dry stuff. 

Sewell (As if a happy thought had struck him) — Poetry ! 
That's guaranteed 99% proof. Makes everybody drunk — 
(Jumps down from chair and searches lozver shelves), 
especially the poets. 

Presser (Goes up) — I'm not strong on poetry. 

Sewell (Searching, picks up books and shakes them) — 
Tennyson, Keats, Kipling? I have it. (Picks up book.) 
George Sterling. "A Wine of Wizardy" — did you ever drink 
it? (Takes book and glasses to table.) 

Presser — Didn't know you could drink poems. 

Sewell (Pours out liquor)— It's the only way to take 
them. Saves wear and tear on the brain. (Pushes glass to 
Presser. ) 



WILD OATS 143 

Presser — Well, here's how. (Drinks.) You're not tak- 
ing a drop? 

Sewell (Refilling glass for Presser, ivho drinks again) 
— I'm going to turn over a new leaf. 

Presser (Laying hand on hook) — Don't turn any pages 
for me. That's the best Scotch I've tasted since I learned 
the dialect. 

Sewell- — I mean, I've cut the booze stuff for good. 

Presser — That's fine. Stick to that — well, I will take a 
drop or two more, if you insist. (Pushes glass over.) I 
sometimes think there are too many drinkers. (Drinks.) 
Doesn't leave enough to go around. (Picks up book.) What 
did you say was the name of this? 

Sewell — "A W^ine of Wizardy," by George Sterling. 

Presser — Well, you tell George Sterling he makes 
damned fine whiskey. It's a shame he wastes his time in 
any other line. 

Sewell (Putting book and glasses azvay) — That's the 
third time I've succeeded in bidding the demon booze good- 
day without getting sloppy and kissing him. 

Presser (Glances longingly at book) — When his lips are 
as mellow as this chap's — what'd you say his name was? — 
Oh, yes. Sterling — it's some fight to turn your back on him. 

Sewell (Coming dozvn) — I'm through just the same. 

Presser — You're young enough to do it. But I'll bet 
there's a woman at the bottom of your resolution. (Enter 
Gertie R. She has on the uniform of nurse. Presser watches 
Gertie and Sezvell.) 

Gertie (To Sezvell, zvith a zvelcome note in her voice) — 
You're back? 

Sewell — Gertie! (Goes to her and takes both of her 
hands in his.) Are you glad to see me? 

Presser — Excuse me, Mr. Belden. Pay no attention to 
that question I just asked you. I know the answer. (Exit 
rear.) 

Sewell — ^Where did you go? How did you get back? 
Tell me about yourself. 

Gertie— I can't answer if you're going to squeeze my 
hand so. 



144 WILD OATS 

Sewell — I thought I'd lost you. My heart came to a 
dead stop. Now it's making up for lost time. {Leads her 
to couch.) 

Gertie (Sits) — But I have work to do. There's a patient. 

Sewell — I'm a patient, too. I need your attention more 
than anyone else in the world. 

Gertie — You'd better see a doctor. (Rising.) 
Sewell — You're my doctor. You've cured me. 

Gertie — Mighty quick work, isn't it. Just a second ago 
you were a patient. 

Sewell — It's my soul that's cured. You did it— you 
and love. 

Gertie (Rising) — I told you not to speak of that again. 

Sewell (Holds her hand) — Listen, Gertie, do let me 
speak of it. There's nothing in the world means so much 
to me. It has turned me from a boy to a man. I'm no 
weakling now. I've cut drinking for good. 

Gertie — That makes me happy. If you only stick to it ! 

Sewell — Oh, I will. I know. And that's not the only 
proof I have of my love for you. (Takes out necklace.) 
See this? (Opens case.) I stole that for you. 

Gertie (Rises, half -afraid) — That's your mother's! 

Sewell — It is. I wandered around looking for you with 
it in my pocket. It meant thirty thousand dollars, maybe 
forty thousand. Anyhow enough to give us a start. You 
know, after we'd married. Then all of a sudden my brain 
cleared. I felt that you'd have nothing to do with me if I 
couldn't make my fight without such a beginning. As I ran 
towards home to put this back in the safe, all the rest of my 
degradation came on me like an avalanche. Twice I stopped 
to get a drink. As I raised the glass to my Hps, you seemed 
to reach out and pull me away. Well, I never needed a 
drink worse in my life before, and I refused to take it. 

Gertie — You stole for me ? 

Sewell — Just like that chap in "Sappho." She knew he 
loved her because he did. 

Gertie — Oh, but there's something even better than that. 
You decided to fight for yourself. (Enter Rannock L.) 



WILD OATS 145 

Rannock — Do 3'OU mind if I come in without knocking? 

Sewell (Rising) — If you don't knock after you're in. 

Rannock — That depends. I'm some little hammer 
thrower. (Gertie goes R.) 

Sewell — Don't go, Gertrude. Rannock is not going to 
stay long. 

Rannock (Insinuatingly) — Don't let Sewell frighten you 
away, Gertie. 

Gertie (Quietly) — I'm not frightened by anyone, Mr. 
Belden. 

Sewell (Leading Gertie to couch) — I was just telling 
you that I'll be the happiest man in the world when— — 
(Pause.) 

Rannock — When? Go on. Finish it. 

Sewell — When Rannock leaves the room. 

Gertie — ^You must excuse me now, Sewell. I'll see you 
in a few minutes, if you like. 

Rannock (Fired by jealousy) — Oh, you will? In a few 
minutes ! 

Gertie (Quietly) — I will. 

Rannock — You will? 

Sewell — It seems that she will. 

Rannock (To Sewell) — Don't be an emotional come-on. 

Sewell — Don't )'ou worry. My emotions have cut their 
eye-teeth. 

Rannock — But they haven't grown up. Like you, they 
need Pap. You're so wabbly you lush up so your legs will 
be as unsteady as your heart. 

Sewell — Answer him for me, Gertie. Tell him I've cut 
the booze stuff for good. Tell him I fought it out alone, 
that I'm strong enough to pluck the whiskers from Pro- 
fessor Keeley. 

Gertie — I believe you haz/e changed, Sewell. I believe 
that you can now face any disaster without flinching. 

Sewell — It was worth doing just to hear you say that. 



146 WILD OATS 

Ran NOCK — Well, little boy, now you've said your piece, 
run right along. 

Sewell — You've always put over that dodge with me. 
This time it won't go. I'm not the younger brother to fetch 
and carry for you. I'm going to stay right here with her. 

Ran NOCK — So, she's the powder in the magazine of your 
explosion ? I thought so. Now I'm sure you'll run along. 

Gertie {Trying to leave) — Sewell, I'll go — 

Rannock {To Gertie, in tone of command) — You stay 
right here. 

Sewell — Why should she stay here? 

Rannock — Because I say so. 

Sewell — Don't think you're going to run everybody. {To 
Gertie) You go ahead, Gertie. I'll see you again right away. 
{Gertie goes to door R.) 

Rannock {To Gertie) — I've just a word to say, then you 
may go. {Gertie stops.) {To Seivell) You are a nice kid 
to be in love with her. Don't you know about her ? 

Sewell — I know all I want to know about her. 

Rannock^ — I'll tell you a little more, just the same. Do 
you know who she is? {Pause.) She's as good as being 
my wife. 

Gertie — Good God! {Seivell struggles to keep control 
of himself.) 

Rannock {To Seivell) — Emotional checkmate No. 1. 
{Pause.) Well, little boy, why don't you say something? 

Sewell {Going to Gertie and speaking cahnly) — Ger- 
trude, I'll take your word against the world. Tell him he's 
a liar. 

Rannock — Go on, tell me I'm a liar, Gertie. 

Gertie {To Rannock) — Not only are you a liar, but you 
are a coward. 

Sewell — Net. {To Rannock) You're all she says, and 
no discount. 

Rannock — Very good, little boy. Get ready for emo- 
tional checkmate No. 2. You want proofs. They'll be 



WILD OATS 147 

here shortly. The Mater's down at the Raines-Law Hotel 
for the hotel register. There you'll see that Fm the duly 
accredited husband of our little friend Gertie. She can't 
deny it. 

Sewell — Good God, it can't be true! 

Rannock {To Sezvell) — You doubt my word? Sewell, 
I'm surprised. It would be absurd to intimate anything so 
banal if it could be disproved in an hour or two. 

Gertie — Listen. Sewell, I didn't think I'd grow to care 
for what you'd believe or not believe of me. But I do care. 
Now I'll tell you the whole truth. 

Rannock (To Gertie) — Spare him the sordid details. 
This outline will be sufficient. Under an agreement with 
me you left Brockton. I joined you at the next station. We 
journeyed together to New York and went straightway to 
the hotel. There I registered for both. After dinner we 
went — 

Sewell (Jumping at Rannock and grabbing him by 
throat) You dog ! I know you ! I'll murder you ! 

Gertie (Struggling to break them apart) — Sewell — listen 
— I'll explain — help — (She runs to door rear.) Help! 
(Enter Presser rear. He comes down and pulls men apart.) 

Presser — What's the matter here? 

Gertie — Are you hurt, Sewell? (She goes close to him.) 

Sewell (Drawing azvay) — Don't touch me. 

Gertie — You think — you think — (Enter servant rear.) 

Servant (To Gertie) — Your father, miss. (Exit serv- 
ant.) 

Gertie — My father! (Pleadingly to Sezvell and Ran- 
nock) Not a word to him, it would kill him. (Enter Free- 
m,an rear. He is of the shabby-genteel type. The culture 
suggested by Gertie shows more definitely in him. He is 
very much of a dreamer and visionary.) 

Freeman — Gertrude ! 

Gertie — Daddy, my dear Daddy! Why did you go 
away? (Hugs him. Enter Millicent zvith servant. The 
servant carries a tray on which are a glass and a pitcher of 
water.) 



148 WILD OATS 

MiLLicENT {To Presser, as she pours zvater in glass) — 
Here. 

Presser — What's that? 

MiLLiCENT (Holding glass to him) — Water. 

Presser — Do you think I asked for a bath? {Exit Pres- 
ser, follozved by Millie ent and servant rear.) 

Sewell {To Rannock) — Well, why don't you have de- 
cency enough to leave them alone? 

Rannock — Why don't you? 

Sewell {To Freeman) — I trust that I shall have the 
pleasure of meeting you again. 

Freeman — Thank you, sir. {Exit Seivell R. Rannock 
exits L. To Gertie) So you are a nurse? 

Gertie {Pulling xip his coat collar, picking lint off him, 
etc.) Yes. I am. You don't look well. You're thinner and 
unkept. You've been worrying. Now Pve found you again, 
ril have to take you in hand. 

Freeman — Who are the young men ? 

Gertie — Those are my employer's two sons. Splendid, 
both of them. I have a beautiful place. Doctor Belden is 
so kind. You got my letter in Brockton with the hotel 
address? 

Freeman — Yes. They told me at the hotel that someone 
answering your description had been arrested. 

Gertie {Laughing nervously) — Arrested! For what? 

Freeman — Of course, it was a mistake. This address 
was left with the clerk for me while I was talking to the 
proprietor. I was fearfully anxious and started for the 
court. 

Gertie — And I was safe here all the time — {Anxious to 
divert his attention.) I have a splendid position. I've never 
liked anything so much. 

Freeman — It's a beautiful home. 

Gertie— And everybody in it is so fine. You must meet 
Dr. Belden, Daddy. He has nobility of character that's 
wonderful. 

Freeman — And Mrs. Belden? 



WILD OATS 149 

Gertie — -She's the Doctor's second wife. But much 
younger. 

Freeman — Is she kind to you ? 

Gertie (After slight pause) — Yes. Oh, yes, very kind. 

Freeman — Then the best thing for you is to remain here. 
I looked for you just to say good-bye, though I wanted to 
stay until next Thursday. 

Gertie — My birthday ! I knew you wouldn't forget that. 

Freeman — It's my one anniversary. 

Gertie — After Thursday what are you going to do ? 

Freeman — Now you're settled in the life you need, I'm 
going away. 

Gertie — No, Daddy. You can't go. I won't let you. 

Freeman — I have a very good ofifer from Ramsey of 
Riverside, California. He wants me to oversee his ranch. 
It's a small place. 

Gertie — California ! A ranch ! We'll never need to go 
back to Brockton? 

Freeman — But you're not going with me. 

Gertie — You know life wouldn't be anything for you 
without me. You've said so, often. 

Freeman — Do you want to go? 

Gertie— Do I want to go. Daddy? W1iy nothing could 
ever keep me from being where you are. 

Freeman — You'll leave this beautiful home, the chance to 
get an education, the chance to make something of yourself, 
just for me? 

Gertie — Don't I need you. Daddy? Don't you need me? 
What's all the rest to that? When shall we start? 

Freeman — Right away. He sent me a ticket for you. 

Gertie (Going L.) — You stay here. If an3'one speaks 
to you, don't give any satisfaction. Above all, don't say 
where you're going or that I'm going with you. I'll be 
ready in a minute. (Exit L. Enter Mrs. Belden in street 
attire, rear.) 



150 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — Are you waiting for someone. (Freeman 
starts a little at sound of her voice. She takes off hat and 
zvrap. He zvatches her closely.) 

Freeman — May I ask your name? 

Mrs. Belden — Wh)'-, Vm Mrs. Belden, Doctor Belden's 
wife. 

Freeman — Thank you. What was it previous to that? 

Mrs. Belden — Why should you ask? (She looks at him) 
Good God, you ! 

Freeman — Florence ! I knew your voice. 

Mrs. Belden (Frightened) — What are you doing here? 

Freeman (Looking at door L.) — I — Oh, I am just wait- 
ing — (Gertie appears L. The audience sees her, Mrs. Bel- 
den and Freeman do not.) 

Mrs. Belden — For Dr. Belden ? You must not see him. 
You are here to betray — betray me. 

Freeman (He goes to her and looks steadily at her for a 
second) — You have changed. The world hasn't treated you 
well. Your eyes are hard, your lips cruel and vindictive. 
Material success means everything to j^ou now. I can hardly 
believe that you are the woman I used to love. 

Mrs. Belden (Looking around anxiously) — Sh — don't 
speak of that. I had forgotten. 

Freeman — Have you forgotten our baby — our little 
Gertrude ? 

Mrs. Belden (Anxiously)— She died. You wrote me 
she had died. 

Freeman (Recovering quickly) — Yes, that's right. She 
died. 

Mrs. Bp:lden — That's what broke my heart. I lost every 
interest in our old life then. 

Freeman — Long before that you lost interest in our old 
ideals. The joy of being a free Vi^oman, of flouting the con- 
ventions of our warped and twisted social order, of standing 
before the world an unmarried mother meant nothing to you. 
That's why you ran away from us — from little Gertrude 
and me. 



WILD OATS 151 

Mrs. Belden — The revolutionary phrases of one genera- 
tion become the platitudes of the next. I merely anticipated 
that and aligned myself with the decent minded. 

Freeman — You wanted respectability. 

Mrs. Belden— I have it. I don't want to lose it. 

Freeman — The secret of your free, untrammeled life, 
when you were an exquisite creature, before you fell into a 
commonplace middle-class habit of thought is perfectly safe 
with me. 

Mrs. Belden — That life you look back on with reverence 
was a daily tragedy to me. You knew nothing of being an 
unmarried mother among married mothers. 

Freeman — That's why you ran away? 

Mrs. Belden — I didn't go far. My little baby pulled me 
back. But you were gone. Then came your letter from 
England, saying she was dead. Afterwards I heard that 
you changed your name. 

Freeman — I did. I wanted to get as far from identifica- 
tion with my old life as you. But for a different reason. 

Mrs. Belden — You missed our baby too. My heart has 
been empty ever since. Even now I wake at night and find 
myself crying for her to come back to me. I have longed 
to feel her little head on my arm. I've prayed to God. Do 
you know, she would just be a beautiful age now? Eighteen. 
Her birthday is next Thursday. 

Freeman — You do remember? 

Mrs. Belden — What mother can forget ? 

Freeman— No doubt if she were alive, you'd take her 
from me. 

Mrs. Belden — If it was the last thing I did on earth. I'd 
want to make up to her all the love of which I robbed her. 
I'd want her to love me to pay for my lonely hours. Gertie 
closes door L. gently.) 

Freeman {Looking anxiously at door L.) — Well, what's 
the use of idle wishing? She's gone. I'll say good-bye now. 
{Not moving.) 

Mrs. Belden — Yes, good-bye. It's better for you to go 
right away. Someone may see you and ask questions. 
{Urges him rear.) 



152 WILD OATS 

Freeman (Sparring for time and getting azvay from her 
to door L.)— You're not interested in m}^ affairs. You have 
no curiosity about myself or my life. There's no wonder- 
ment if I have climbed in the Avorld of ideas, or slipped back 
into a rut of dull living. 

Mrs. Belden — I can see you are still the unpractical 
dreamer. The old phrases that were the very breath of your 
nostrils mean as much to you now as they ever did. Please 
go out this way. (Indicates rear.) 

Freeman (Opening door L. a little) — Can't I go to the 
street this way? I'd rather. 

Mrs. Belden (Closing door hastily) — No. That's the 
way to the sleeping room. This is the way out. (Leads him 
rear.) 

Freeman (Still sparring for time) — Wait a minute. Now 
that I know you regret having given your youthful days to 
me and love, T wish to say that I echo your regret. My 
fond desire of you that made me wander through the night 
with my mind a blank, ni}^ agony over the loss of you, and 
that reiterated determination to find you which left me at 
times insane — I also regret. My regret Avill serve some pur- 
pose. My fond desire of you is a thing of the past. From 
now on I know you never could know. It wasn't given to 
you to understand. 

Mrs. Belden — Well, not everyone can understand. You 
don't understand how much hangs right now on your leaving 
this house at once. 

Freeman — Your life of middle class ease depends upon 
it. Your three meals a day. Your fine soft bed to sleep on, 
your automobile — all material things. Did you ever ask 
)^ourself what the world could lose during a week that you 
were away from it? Or a year or a hundred years? 

Mrs. Belden (Softly and cunningly to placate him) — 
Charles, let us go now. (Takes his arm.) You are still as 
eloquent as ever. Do you remember how 3'ou used to hold 
forth in the old days in the studios ? 

Freeman (Mollified) — Those were the days — our days. 
Ideas, ideals, thoughts, love ! They made up our lives. 

Mrs. Belden — It's true. We can even forget sometimes 
that we couldn't eat our ideas, and that our ideals couldn't 



WILD OATS 153 

keep a roof over our heads. Let me see you to the door, 
Charles. {Takes arm again.) 

Freeman — Yes, I'll go noAv. You have gone back — far 
back. But we had our gold hour, don't forget that — an 
hour when I imagined you had a Gypsy soul to mate my own. 
(Exeunt Freeman and Mrs. B. rear. Gertie enters L. in 
street dress. She runs rear.) 

Gertie (At door) — Mother! (Enter Sezvell R.) 

Sewell — -Can you forgive me ? 

Gertie — Forgive you what, Sewell ? 

Sewell — My doubt of you for a minute. 

Gertie — That's nothing. You had a right to. Appear- 
ances were against me. 

Sewell — I wish I'd killed Rannock. He's no good. He's 
a sneak. He gum-shoes it over on us on the score of having 
a superior personality that must find emotional experience. 

Gertie — I'm really sorry you have such a brother, Sewell. 
And now good-bye. I must be going. (Holds out hand to 
him.) This time for good. 

Sewell — You're not — 

Gertie — Yes. 

Sewell — Where ? 

Gertie — West. 

Sewell — Whereabouts in the West? 

Gertie — California. 

Sewell — Southern California, of course. Is your father 
going to take you? 

Gertie — He is. 

Sewell — Tell me just where you're going? I want to 
see you again. I want to write to you. 

Gertie — You'd better not. 

Sewell — Do you think I'm going to let you drop out of 
my life? Listen, Gertie, some day I'm going to marry you. 

Gertie — No — no, that can't be — not now. 



154 WILD OATS 

Sewell- — It's got to be. You've made me almost human. 
Don't renig on the rest of the job. You care. (Pause.) 
Say you care a little. (He goes close to her.) Say it made 
you happy when I got a grip on myself. 

Gertie — It did, Sewell. I hated to see you waste vour 
life. 

Sewell — You did what all the preaching in the country 
couldn't do. I'll tell you frankly that I won't slide back 
just because you made believe you were interested in me 
to get me started on the right track. 

Gertie — I didn't make believe. 

Sewell — Ah ! Then the personal equation meant some- 
thing ? 

Gertie — It did. 

Sewell — How much? (Pause.) (He tries to take her 
hand.) How much? Not enough to let you tell me your 
address. 

Gertie — You can write to me at Riverside, California. 

Sewell (Joyously) — I'll come to you. I'm going to put 
myself to the test. I know I can buckle down and get a 
foothold in the world. When I do, Gertie, I'll find you. 

(Enter Mrs. Belden.) 

Mrs. Belden — Sewell! 

Sewell (With antagonism) — What is it? 

Mrs. Belden — Keep away from that creature. 

Gertie — Creature ! That, from you ? 

Mrs. Belden — What did you expect from me? 

Sewell — The treatment of an ordinary human being. 

Mrs. Belden — Do you know who and what this girl is? 

Sewell — Yes, I do. 

Mrs. Belden — You know nothing. Now you run along 
and let me attend to her. 

Sewell — Whatever you are going to do to her count me 
in as audience. 

Gertie (To Mrs. B., very gently) — You really misjudge 
me. I have done nothing. In fact, I'd like to be able to do 



WILD OATS 155 

you a little kindness — just to show — ^just to show there are 
no hard feelings. 

Sewell (To Mrs. B.) — After that you call her a bad 
girl ? 

Mrs. Belden — She's a little sneak. Look at this. {Pulls 
out page of hotel register.) That's Rannock's handwriting. 
A page from a hotel register. She's down here as his wife — 
without the formalit)^ of a marriage ceremony. 

Sewell — I know all about it. Rannock wrote that. He's 
the sneak. He framed this all up. 

Mrs. Belden — She can be identified by a half dozen of 
the hotel employees. 

Sewell — Perjury! Perjury's child's play to that gang. 
They'd cut a throat for ten dollars. 

Mrs. Belden — Wasn't she arrested? Wasn't she found 
guilty ? 

Gertie— I was. (To Sezvell) Say no more about it. 
(To Mrs. B.) Vm. going away on a long journey. I won't 
come back any more. I won't see you any more. I just 
wanted you to say a kind word to me — one — a little one. 
Say you don't believe everything against me. 

Mrs. Belden — But I do believe everything. 

Gertie — I wish you hadn't said that. I have a special 
reason for wanting to keep a beautiful thought of you. 

Mrs. Belden — Pm not interested in any of your thoughts. 

Sewell {To Mrs. Belden) — Since you took my own 
mother's place in our home, Pve disliked you. 

Mrs. Belden — ^The usual pay of a step-mother. 

Sewell — Now that I see you as you really are, I hate you. 

Mrs. Belden — Because I opened your eyes to what she is ? 

Sewell — Because you keep your own eyes closed to what 
you are yourself. You're digging into this poor girl's life 
to find an excuse to flay her. Do you know why? Pll tell 
you. You're a natural full-grown harpy, that's why. 



156 WILD OATS 

Gertie {To Sezvell angrily) — Keep still, Sewell. I won't 
let you sa)^ a word against her. 

Sewell — There — {To Mrs. Belden) See, she even de- 
fends you. 

Mrs. Belden — She's playing a deep game. I know her 
kind. She can't pull the wool over my eyes. 

Gertie {Sinking in chair) — Oh! 

Sewell {Going to Gertie) — Now you've done it. You've 
killed her. 

Mrs. Belden — Don't be a fool. That's the next play in 
the game. Faint — that gets the sympathy. 

Sewell — She don't need to win my sympathy, she has it ; 
yours wouldn't do her any good. 

Gertie {Getting to her feet) — You are wrong about that. 
I do want Mrs. Belden's sympathy — at least her interest. 
I'd give anything in the world to get it. {To Mrs. Belden.) 
However, since I can't win your confidence, I'll hold no 
grudge. I'm going now. Good-bye. 

Sewell — I'm going with you. 

Mrs. Belden — Sewell — you're not. 

Sewell — I am — and I'm going to marry her. 

Mrs. Belden — Good God, not that. Why, in addition 
to all the rest, she's a thief. 

Sewell — What ? 

Mrs. Belden— She stole my necklace. 

Sewell — Now I have you dead to rights at last. {Pulls 
out necklace.) I stole it. 

Mrs. Belden — You! 

Sewell {To Mrs. Belden) — Yes. When she refused to 
marry me, I thought it was because I hadn't my place in 
the world. I saw a chance to get away with this {Indicating 
jewels) and get a start. I won't excuse myself by saying 
my brain was befuddled with booze. I thought clearly 
enough to get the goods. 

Mrs. Belden — Go on ! Go on ! What else did she induce 

you to do ? 



WILD OATS • 157 

Sewell (Angrily) — You're even twisting that around so 
she'll bear the brunt. Well, this is what she did. When I 
sobered, I saw her fine, pure eyes look straight into my soul, 
you understand. I saw them accusing me of being a weak- 
ling — of being a poor wisp of personality unable to with- 
stand temptation of any kind. I saw" her through the years 
draw farther and farther away from me. For the first time 
in my life I felt lonesome. 

Gertie — Then what did you do? 

Sewell — First I vowed I'd never drink again — a vow 
I think I've tested myself on. Next I came here to return 
the necklace. 

Gertie — That's what I wanted you to tell her. (To Mrs. 
Belden) Do you hear? He's not going to drink again. He's 
proved to himself he can do without it. 

Mrs, Belden {To Sezvell) — She has you hypnotised. 
You are ready to take her crime on your shoulders. I'll 
call the police and have her arrested. {Goes up. Enter 
Freeman rear.) 

Gertie {Running into his arms) — Daddy! 

Freeman {To Mrs. B., holding Gertie) — You'd try to 
take her away from me, would you ? You can't. No law in 
the land will give her to 3^ou. I nursed her. I cared for her. 

Mrs. Belden {To Freeman, in zvonder)—V^h.o is this 
child ? 

Freeman — Mine. 

Mrs. Belden {To Gertie softly) — Yours! {To Ger- 
trude) Your name is Gertrude? 

Gertie — Yes. 

Mrs. Belden — Next Thursday is your birthday? 

Gertie — It is. 

Mrs. Belden — You are eighteen ? 

Freeman — She is eighteen. What are you going to do 
about it ? 

Mrs. Belden {Taking Gertie) — Come to me. I won't 
harm you. I won't keep her. You are quite big. {Turns 
Gertie around.) The last time I saw you you were that size. 
{Holds hands apart.) 



158 ' WILD OATS 

Sewell (To Mrs. Belden) — You're human, too! A 
miracle ! 

Mrs. Belden {Indifferently, to Gertie) — Oh, yes. A 
miracle. I knew your mother. 

Gertie — Tell me of her. I have always had an ideal of 
my mother. 

Mrs. Belden — An ideal of her? Could you hold an ideal 
of her? 

Gertie — Daddy did too. 

Freeman — Your mother changed a lot from what she 
used to be at eighteen. 

Mrs. Belden {To Gertie) — Do you mind sitting on my 
knee? {Gertie sits after Mrs. Belden takes chair.) Tell 
me that you forgive my cruelties to you, and I'll tell you 
of your mother. 

Gertie — I forgive you, Mrs. Belden. I knew you didn't 
understand. 

Mrs. Belden {Stroking Gertie's hair) — That's a dear. 
Well your mother was— was a relative of mine. When she 
was just your age she fell in love with an artist — he was a 
dreamer — a man that wanted to reform the world over night. 
After a while the life he made your mother live began to 
cause her great pain. She was ostracised by her old friends. 
Well, one day in a lit of desperation, after some of your 
father's intimates had called her the vilest name that can be 
called a woman, she ran away and left you. 

Gertie — Didn't she come back at all? 

Mrs. Belden — Yes, after her insane moment had passed, 
but you were gone. Your father changed his name so he 
couldn't be followed. He went to England and in less than 
a year he wrote that you had died. 

Gertie — Did my mother ever learn the truth? 

Mrs. Belden — Not until it was too late to do her any 
good. {Gives Gertie to Freeman.) Take her along — 

Gertie— We're going to California. 

Mrs. Belden — You'll write to me? 

Gertie — Would vou like me to ? 



WILD OATS 159 

Mrs. Belden — Now that I've told you everything about 
your mamma will you think kindly of her once in a while? 
And say in your letters that you do. 

Gertie — I always did think kindly of her. I'll just keep 
on that way. 

Mrs. Belden — What can I give you to remember me by. 
This. {Picks up photograph.) It was taken along ago. 

Gertie (Taking photograph) — Thank you. 

Mrs. Belden {To Freeman) — Be good to her. 

Gertie {To Mrs. Belden) — Would you mind if I kissed 
you? 

Mrs. Belden — You want to? {Gertie kisses her. Mrs. 
Belden folds Gertie close to her. Enter Doctor.) 

Doctor {To Mrs. Belden) — I'm glad to see you reconciled 
to Gertrude, dear. {Mrs. B. starts back.) 

Mrs. Belden {An.viously) — Yes. Yes, I am reconciled. 
I — I was mistaken. Wasn't I, Sewell? {To Freeman) 
This is my husband. {Doctor bozvs.) 

Freeman — Your husband ! 

Mrs. Belden — Yes, yes. This is Gertrude's father, Doc- 
tor. I was mistaken about her. 

Sewell — Very much mistaken. But I'll tell you, Mater, 
you've made up for it all. 

Mrs. Belden — You're a good boy, Sewell. {To Doctor) 
I think she's a fine girl. 

Doctor {To Freeman) — I have always thought so. {En- 
ter Rannock L. Gertie sees him.) 

Gertie {To Freeman) — Let's go, quick. 

Rannock {To Gertie) — You're going with me? 

Freeman — Do you know that you're speaking to my 
daughter ? 

Rannock — It doesn't matter. She's got to marry me. 

Sewell {Getting between them) — Not by a damned sight. 
Rannock — It's so, isn't it, Mater? 



160 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden — I'd rather see her dead than married to 
you. 

Rannock— You've gone back on me? You want to see 
me go to the penitentiary. 

Mrs. Belden — A term in prison will do you good. It 
will teach you not to — 

Freeman — What has Gertrude to do with all this? 

Gertie {Laying hand on Mrs. B's arm and interrupting 
her) — Sh — (She lets it register that Freeman must be kept 
in ignorance of the affair.) 

Mrs. Belden (To Freeman) — She is wanted as a witness 
in the theft of a necklace, that's all. You'd better take her 
away at once. 

Doctor (Shaking hands zvith Freeman) — I congratulate 
you on having such a daughter. Good-bye, sir. 

Freeman — Thank you. Good-bye. ( Gertie and Freeman 
go up. Enter Presser rear. He blocks their going. Millicent 
appears rear.) 

Presser (To Doctor) — The hour's up, sir. 

Doctor (Pulling out zuatch) — Is it? 

Rannock (To Presser) — Your watch is running fast. 
(To Mrs. Belden) Can't you think of something to help 
me out ? 

Mrs. Belden (To Rannock) — I can only think of the 
misery you caused that poor child. 

Rannock — At what specific hour did you become so 
strong for the little nobody. 

Mrs. Belden— Don't you dare call her a nobody. She's 
as good as you ever were — better than you ever were. 

Freeman — I endorse that. (To Doctor) Believe me, sir, 
her mother was a woman in ten million. 

Doctor — I don't doubt it, sir. 

Presser (To Rannock) — Well, they've all left you to shift 
for yourself. Come along. (To Gertie) You come along 
as witness. 



WILD OATS - 161 

Sewell {He has picked up hook from the shelf) — Just 
a minute, Presser, wouldn't you like a little more of the 
Sterling brew? {Pours out liquor.) 

Presser {To Sewell, zvho takes liquor to him)— -Some- 
thing about lizzardy — isn't it. Strange a good distiller as 
him would call it a wine of lizzardy. {Drinks. Glass is 
refilled.) You know, sir, a lizzard ain't nothing but a snake 
with feet. Now snakes and this don't mix — only some- 
times — {Drinks) when you don't want them to. 

Sewell {Refilling glass) — Have another. 

'Presser {Takes glass. Sezvell signs to Rannock to go. 
Rannock goes rear) — Do you mind if I sit down? {Comes 
down and sits.) I'd feel more comfortable-like. 

Rannock — Sometimes you keep your head by saving your 
legs. At other times you don't. {Exit rear.) 

Presser {Stopping in the middle of his drink) — What did 
he say? {Gets partly to his feet.) My legs are just as good 
as ever. {Walks) See! He's gone. {To Sewell) You 
did it. 

MiLLiCENT — No, I did it. I didn't want you to spoil an 
elopement. 

Sewell {Holding Presser' s arm) — You're in bad. You 
got the wrong angle. Rannock was just bringing Gertrude 
here to me, so we could be married. 

Freeman {To Gertie) — Is this true? 

Gertie — I'm going to marry Sewell some day, if Dr. Bel- 
den doesn't object. 

Mrs. Belden — Why should he object? 

Doctor {To Mrs. Belden) — I'm glad you approve, dear. 

Sewell {To Presser) — You can easily see that I wouldn't 
like the least intimation of scandal attached to my wife. And 
besides, she is your chief witness. She'd upset your story. 
She wouldn't say a word against Rannock. 



Gertie — I certainly would not. 

Mrs. Belden {Quietly to Pre 
Holds out page of hotel register 

Presser — The page of the hotel register! {Points.) 



Mrs. Belden {Quietly to Presser) — Do you see that? 
{Holds out page of hotel register.) 



162 WILD OATS 

Mrs. Belden (Tearing it up very small) — That's the last 
link. 

Presser— Sort of missing h'nk, ain't it. Well, that settles 
the case. Can I have another drink? (Goes R.) 

Sewell — Here, take the bottle. 

Presser (Taking book)—V\\ take it along. My partner 
would like an introduction to h nice set of lizzards with the 
Scotch accent. That's his favorite language. (Exit Presser 
R.) 

Freeman — Come, Gertrude. 

Gertie— Good-bye, Doctor. Good-bye. 

Sewell (Going luith them) — I'll take you as far as the 
train. I might tackle the blind baggage and go even further. 
(Exeunt Seivell and Freeman.) 

Mrs. Belden — Gertrude ! 

Gertrude (Stopping at door) — Yes! 

Mrs. Belden — Won't you kiss me? (Gertie runs into 
her arms.) Wear this. (Clasps necklace about Gertie's 
throat.) 

Gertie — Thank you. I'll see you some time. 

Mrs. Belden — You're really going to marry Sewell ? 

Gertie (To both Doctor and Mrs. Belden) — You'd want 
me to? 

Doctor — If you do it very soon. 

Gertie — I will. (Running up.) 

Mrs. Belden — And come back from California right 
away to live with us. 

Gertie — I can't leave daddy for good. But I'll come and 
visit you if you'll promise to talk to me every day about 
my mother. (Exit rear.) 

Doctor — I wish we had a daughter like that. 

Mrs. Belden (Going to zvindow and looking out) — So 
do I. 

Doctor — It's strange, men sow their wild oats, and every- 
thing is forgotten and forgiven, but a woman. I think 



WILD OATS 163 

that all civilizations rest on the virtue of their women. 

Mks. Belden {Looking anxiously out of ivindozv) — There 
she is. She's beautiful. 

Doctor — What a contradiction nature is. How it laughs 
at eugenics ! That child is handicapped by birth and breed- 
ing, yet she is a lady with brains to be a great physician if 
the opportunity presented itself. My sons have every ad- 
vantage accruing from both birth and breeding, and one is a 
dipsomaniac, the other a scoundrel. 

Mrs. Belden {Bus. at ivindow) — Look — look — even Ran- 
nock is finer because of meeting her. See him. He's stand- 
ing humbly before her. He's pleading for forgiveness. He 
is actually ready to go on his knees. She is wavering. 
There, I knew it. Sewell is placing her hand in Rannock's. 
They're all laughing. It's )'0uth. It's youth. There's noth- 
ing in the world can take the place of youth, and we live it 
only once. {Sound of auto horn off. She waves handker- 
chief at zvindozu.) She's gone. 

Doctor — I'm glad she became friends with Rannock. 
That spirit of forgiveness is the one that differentiates us 
more from the brute than any other quality. 

Mrs. Belden {Coming to him) — Doctor, I think I under- 
stand you better today than ever before. You are good, 
gentle. 

Doctor — I've learned that in life bitter fruits grow on 
poison stocks. Spite breeds hate ; patience, peace and kind- 
ness, friends. 

Mrs. Belden — And now I— want to confess to you a 
great sin. 

Doctor — A great sin? One that you committed? 

Mrs. Belden — Twenty years ago. 

Doctor — Twenty years ! That's a long time. My dear, 
God has forgotten your sin. I can well afford to forget. .So 
can you. 

Curtain 

End oe Act III 



THE WASTERS 



THE WASTERS 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 



Edward Millwood A modern pleasure seeker 

Alice His sister 

Millwood His father 

Mrs. Millwood (divorced) His mother 

BuRRELL His friend 

Florence One of his victims 

Mabel Friend of Florence 

Larry Brother of Florence 

BuDWELL A detectiz'e 

Alkali A subdued coiv punch 

Servant. 

NiTA A prospective victim of Edzvard Milhvood's. 

Maskers, Dancers, Etc. 

Time — The Present. 

Scene — Act one: Living room of the Milhvood's, Nezv York 
City. 

Act two: A ranch house in the Southwest. 
Act three: Larahee's apartment, Nezv York City. 



ACT I 



Interior of Millwood home, Nezv York City. 
This is the living room, and is richly furnished 
to suit the tastes of a ivonian divorced from her 
millionaire husband, ivho still provides for her 
and the children. 

The butler, an aloof person, is discovered at 
rise. Imogene, a recent addition to the house- 
hold in the form of a servant, enters rear. The 
attitude of the butler tozvards Imogene is the 
proper one of a superior tozvards an inferior. 

167 



168 THE WASTERS 

Imogene — I thought Miss AHce was here. 

Butler {Haughtily) — Indeed! 

Imogene — A couple of girls forced themselves into the 
house. 

Butler — You mean, you let them in. What do they 
want? Where are their cards? 

Imogene — They didn't have cards. {She comes towards 
him and speaks confidentially to him.) They seem to know 
Master Edward. The one that put her foot in the door 
jamb when I tried to shut it, calls him Shrimp Eddie. 

Butler— Shrimp Eddie! What an absurd name! 

Imogene — She talks trouble for him, too. 

Butler — Tell them to go at once. Wait, I'll do it. {Exit 
rear. ) 

Imogene {Calling after him) — It won't do any good. 
{Enter Alice, L. She is about seventeen, pretty and guile- 
less. ) 

Alice — Were you speaking, Imogene? 

Imogene — ^Two strange girls pushed right past me into 
the house, Miss Alice. They want to see your brother. 

Alice — Who are they? 

Companion — They don't seem to be anybody in particular. 
They just burst right in. {Enter Burr ell R. He is a suave, 
well groomed hanger-on of the financially successful, about 
40.) 

Burrell {Advancing and shaking hands with Alice) — 
How do you do, Alice. Ed said I Avas to wait in here for 
him. 

Alice — How do you do, Mr. Burrell. {To Imogene) 
That will do, thank you, Imogene. {Exit Imogene. To 
Burrell) Did Edward come up with you? 

Burrell — Yes, he ran his car in back. My, but you are 
looking fit. You're growing younger. Do you know, I 
think you'll never grow old? 

Alice — Why won't I grow old like other people? 

Burrell — I mean you'll never grow old to me. 



THE WASTERS 169 

Alice — Why not to you the same as to anyone else ? 

BuRRELL (Bending toivards her) — Do I mean no more to 
you than anyone else ? 

Alice — No, I can't say you do. (Gently) You see, I've 
seen you only a few times, Mr. Burrell. 

BuRRELL — That's your fault. I've wanted to see you 
often. Do you know that I cultivated Ed just to get a 
glimpse of you? 

Alice (With rising inflection) — My brother will be glad 
to hear that, I'm sure. 

Burrell (Pidling chair toivards her) — Don't tell Ed I 
spoke to you. You're cooped up here like a bird in a cage. 

Alice — Well, it's a nice cage. I rather like it. 

Burrell (Leaning towards her) — Don't tell me. You're 
too young to get it across. Ed keeps you shut up, away 
from everything. He doesn't want you to touch life at all. 

Alice — Edward is careful of me, that's all. He's a real 
brother. 

Burrell (Looking around, then very insinuatingly to her) 
— A real brother ! He wants a monoply of the good things, 
that's it. He's greedy. Now, I think everyone should know 
everything about life, don't you? 

Alice (Hesitatingly) — It's nice to know a lot about things. 

Burrell — But don't you agree with me? You should 
know everything about everything. 

Alice (Questioningly) — Know everything about every- 
thing ? 

Burrell (Forcing the issue) — You must think as I do 
about it. Why shouldn't you know all there is to know? 

Alice — I never thought of it. 

Burrell (Compelling her to agree) — But now you have 
thought of it. You must want to know things. Of course 
you do. 

Alice — Why, yes — Of course I do. 

Burrell — I knew it. You shouldn't be compelled to stay 
in the middle of a ring of stupid formalities while your 
brother goes dancing and singing around. Do yon think so? 



170 THE WASTERS 

Alice — Why, no. 

BuRRELL — Do you see any reason why you should vege- 
tate ? Why should any one have the right to rob you of your 
share of the laughter? (He 7vatches her narrowly.) Youth 
lasts only a little while, (Sighs) only a little while. If you 
miss it now, when you reach out for it, it will be gone like 
that. (Opens and closes his hand.) To get its just dues, 
youth must be free — first, last and all the time free. Don't 
you think so ? 

Alice — Why, yes. 

BuRRELL — That's right. Now listen. (Looks around and 
goes closer to her.) The next time you're coming back here 
to your mother's from your father's house, telephone me a 
day ahead and I'll wait anywhere you say for you. 

Alice — Wait for me ! Why ? 

BuRRELL — Don't you see, each home will think you're 
with the other, and you'll be free just like Ed. This idea 
of letting the boy have all the individuality and the girl none 
is old fashioned. Everybody laughs at it. Girls have just 
as many rights as boys. Will you do it? (Enter Ed Mill- 
ivood L. He is about twenty-two and an undersized glutton 
for pleasure.) 

BuRRELL (Seeing Ed and turning to. him quickly) — Oh, 
hello, Ed. Just telling Alice I was growing tired of waiting 
for you. 

Edward (Laying overcoat on back of chair) — ^Thought it 
must have been SOMETHING confidential. 

Alice (To Ed.) — You're not going away this evening 
again, are you ? 

Edward — Why not? (To Burrell) Say, Burr, would 
you wait for me a second ? I've something to say to Alice. 

Burrell (Lighting cigarette) Cut the lecture short. Re- 
member dinner and the girls are waiting, both may get cold. 
(Exit Burrell rear.) 

Edward (Goes to Alice, speaks quickly, emphatically) — 
Didn't I tell you to look out for him? (Indicating Burrell.) 

Alice — Why don't you look out for him? 

Edward — Oh, it's different with me. You cut him after 
this, will you? 



THE WASTERS 171 

Alice — Why don't you ctit him tonight and go with me 
to father's? This is the third time you've let me go there 
alone. Father was angry the last time. 

Edward — You fix it up with the Governor. {Picks up 
his coat.) I'll do as much for you. This engagement's 
pressing. Made it without thinking. Tell him I'll run in to- 
morrow or next day. If he says much, tell him I'm of legal 
age now, and don't have to obey the court order any more. 
{Goes up.) Remember, no more palavering with Burrell. 

Alice — Oh, I forgot. Did you see the girl that called? 
She's in the house somewhere. 

Edward {Anxiously) — In the house? What girl? {Comes 
down from door.) 

Alice — She didn't give her name. 

Edward — What does she look like? {Imogene appears 
rear. • She is followed closely by Mabel and Florence. Mabel 
is a good looking, over-dressed girl of about twenty-five or 
six. Florence is a neatly dressed girl of about seventeen, 
quiet and restrained. ) 

Mabel {To servant) — Trailed you right to him. {Enters 
rear.) 

Edward — You? Here? {He stands abashed, unable to 
articulate.) 

Mabel {To Florence, zvho enters slowly) — Didn't I tell 
you Shrimp would be glad to see us ? 

Florence — You did. But — is he? 

Alice — These are evidently the young ladies, Edward. 
Who are they ? 

Mabel — Before Ave get down to the biography, can her. 
{Indicating servant.) {To servant) Say, why don't you get 
a job at Child's? 

Imogene — I don't want a job. 

Mabel — You should. You got the greatest buckwheat 
front in captivity. Take it away. 

Edward {To servant) — You may go, Imogene. 

Imogene — Yes, Sir. {Exit servant rear.) 

Edward {To Florence, roughly) — Why did you come 
here ? 



172 THE WASTERS 

Florence {Shrinking back of Mabel) — Why — I — I 
wanted to see you. 

Mabel — We're here just to make a little social call, Eddie. 
I suppose this is your sister. (Indicating Alice.) Introduce 
us. 

Edward — I've no time for nonsense. Get out, both of you. 

Mabel — Sh — cut the rough stuff. I said to myself when 
I first came here I was going to be a lady. Now you let 
me be a lady, that's all I've got to say. 

Edward — You keep still. I know your line of talk. (He 
goes to Alice and places hand on her shoulder urging her 
to go out.) 

Mabel — You bet you do. I've a full supply on hand for 
you. (Ed whispers to Alice.) 

Alice — But what do they want, Edward? 

Mabel (To Alice) — That's it, we're down to cases. Flor- 
rie here — (Indicating Florence) was taking the gas route 
when I interrupted her. Come on along, says I, and have a 
chin chin with the cause of your trouble — and here we are. 

Edward — I'm not going to stand for any blackmail. You'd 
better know that right away. 

Mabel — I get you, Eddie, I get you. You don't want to 
make her bump off, do you? She's only a kid, she's too 
young to kick out just for you. You were trying to die (To 
Flo) when I found you, weren't you? 

Florence — I didn't have anything to live for. 

Edward (Snarling) — Huh, you're all the same. Talk a 
lot about dying and keep living just for spite. (Florence 
shrinks hack.) 

Mabel (Indicating Alice) — Would you say that about 
her ? 

Edward (Angrily) — You leave her out of this, you hear? 
(To Alice) Let me settle this little matter myself. (Leads 
her to .door R.) 

Alice — I can't understand it, Edward. What do they 
want? Why did they come here? Where did you meet 
them ? 



THE WASTERS 173 

Edward — Never mind now, I'll get them out. {Florence 
signs to Mabel to leave ivith her.) 

Mabel {To Edward. Holding Florence in check) — 
You've another guess coming. We had to pry ourselves in. 
Believe me, you'll have to do some prying to get us out. 

Florence {To Mabel) — Let's go. 

Mabel — Can that quit stuff, the circus is just starting. 

Alice {To Edward) — Shall I tell Mr. Burrell? He may 
help you. 

Edward — That's right, get Burr in quickly. {Grasping 
at the hope.) 

Mabel {To Alice) — Say, you, little one, look out for that 
Burr. I got his number and Shrimp here's an angel child 
beside him. 

Alice — You're a strange girl. You seem to know every- 
body. 

Mabel— No, only the male members of your set. 

Edward {Urging Alice) — Never mind her, Alice. I'm 
sorry you're compelled to know that such creatures live. 

Mabel {To Alice) — See, it's cotton wool for you, brick- 
bats for us. You'd never suspect we were of the same 
flesh, would you? All the same, he was ours more than he 
was ever yours. 

Alice — What's the meaning of it all, Edward? The girl 
seems to think she knows you better than I do. 

Mabel — ^You bet your life I do. You get him always 
with the soup and fish on — {Indicating evening clothes.) 
Believe me, he leaves off his conscience with his dress suit, 
and when he does, he's some boy. 

Edward {To Alice) — Why do you bandy words with her? 

Alice — I don't know what's wrong, but it looks terrible, 
Edward. 

Edward — I'll explain later. {Urging her to leave. He 
finally gets her off reluctantly.) 

Mabel {To Edivard) — Let the kid alone. She's getting a 
line on you so you won't pull any Sunday-school stuff on her 
when she's not looking. 



174 THE WASTERS 

Edward {Shuts door) — Thank heaven, she's gone. 

Mabel (To Edzvard)— The Httle one's got a date with 
your past alright, alright. She won't wear blinders after 
this either. 

Edward (Advancing on Mabel) — You infernal cat! 

Mabel — Soft pedal on that; I'll scratch. You're sore 
'cause I wised her up a bit. 

Edward (To Florence, roughly) — Why did you come 
here ? 

Florence (Abashed) — Just to — just to see you. 

'M.AB'EL (Florence shrinks hack of Mabel) — I'm the com- 
mittee of explanation. 

Edward (To Mabel) — What do you want? 

Mabel — Get out your shock absorber. 

Edward (Despairingly) — I'm not going to try to under- 
stand you. 

Mabel — Too high brow, eh ? Well, that's what I get for 
almost going to school. 

Edward — For God's sake, cut the chatter. What do you 
want ? 

Mabel — It's going to knock you a twister. We want you ! 
And we're going to get you. 

Edward — What new kind of frame-up are you trying to 
work? (To Florence) Are you in on it? 

Florence (Half -frightened) — I agree with what Mabel 
says. 

Edward — It's madness. I belong here. This is my home. 
I'm going to stay here. 

Mabel — While your brain's not working your tongue's 
doing quite well. 

Edward — I wish )^ou'd train your tongue to talk some 
sense. (To Florence) Don't you see you can't have me if I 
stay here? 

Mabel — Wake up, this is 1916, the war's nearly over. 
New stuff or nothing. She'll stay with you. 

Edward (Turns to Florence) — Stay with me! You can't. 
Why don't you say something? 



THE WASTERS 175 

Florence— Well, Avhen Mabel found me almost — almost 
dead — I told her what the doctor said I — I — {She hursts 

out crying.) 

Mabel {To Edivard) — I'll knock your block off if you 
make her cry. She's the best kid ever, and she's got you 
dead to rights. 

Florence {Quietly) — Let me tell it. She got it out of me 
that I loved you. 

Edward {With sneering laugh) — Huh, loved me — ! 

Mabel — That's right, I can't see why she should either. 
Women always were a puzzle to me. Anyhow, I said the 
only thing to do is to get into the house and camp. I knew 
you'd take up the job of being a real father if we once got 
snug in here. 

Edward — A father! {He looks from Mabel to Florence. 
Florence hangs her head.) 

Mabel — Yes, papa, dear. 

Edward {Threatening Mabel) — Stop it! Get out, both 
of you. I'll call the servants. 

Mabel — My trusty little forty-four— {Pulling revolver 
out part way from hand bag) was depended on to rush the 
first line of trenches to get us in, but it's just as good now 
as any time. 

Edward {Sarcastically) — You've got a gtm, too, eh? 

Mabel — You bet. Think I'd trust you not to rough-house 
us? We're here and we're going to stay until you come 
right out in the open and say she's your wife. 

Edward— My wife! But I'm not married to her. I 
never was. 

Mabel — Oh, yes, you were. You kept house together, 
didn't you? You paid the bills, didn't you? {Takes out 
some bills.) Coal bills, grocery bills, rent. Here's some 
made out in your name not paid yet. 

Edward {Snatching bills) — Damn them. {Tears them 
up and tosses them azvay. Enter Burr ell rear.) 

Burrell — Ah, children, why the confetti? {Touching 
scraps of paper zvith his toe.) 



176 THE WASTERS 

Mabel — Well, if here isn't Burr? How are you, you old 
chestnut ? Still sticking around ? 

BuRRELL — Still sticking, Mabel. Glad to see you've 
moved up a peg socially. 

Mabel — Right at your heels, Burr. Every step you climb, 
I go up one, too. I hope we both hold on and don't land 
back east of the west side. 

BuRRELL (Indicating by look that he is not pleased zvith 
Mabel's reference to his former social status) — How is lit- 
tle Florrie this evening? 

Florence — How do you do, Mr. Burrell? 

BuRRELL {To Edward)— You're to be congratulated. 
Nice girls, both of them. 

Edward {Scoffingly) — Glad you think so. 

Mabel (To Edward) — You don't. 

Edward — Not by a damn sight. 

Burrell {Laying hand on Edzvard's arm and interrupt- 
ing him) — Easy. They are our friends and ladies {Bowing 
to the girls), both of them. 

Mabel {To Burrell. Astonished) — You have improved. 
Burr. 

Burrell — It's the voice with the smile that wins, Mabel. 
I learned that. If you'll permit me I'll give you a lesson. 

Edward — Better give her a lesson in minding her own 
business. She's butting in where she don't belong. 

Burrell — I don't agree with you, Edward. Mabel's mid- 
dle name is discretion. 

Mabel — Well, wouldn't that furnish a flat on the install- 
ment plan ? Say, Burr, the latch string's out for you again. 
Drop in any time. 

Burrell — With pleasure, Mabel. 

Edward {To Burrell) — Where do I come in on this? I 
thought you were my pal, that you were going to help me 
out. 

Burrell — Place aux Dame, Mabel. {To Mabel) Mabel, 
dear, that's classic Greek for "Ladies First." 



THE WASTERS 177 

Mabel — I get yon, Burr. I get that wop stuff quick every 
time. 

Edward (To Burr ell) — I might have known that where 
there's a skirt you always were a quitter. 

Mabel {To Burrell) — You're out to see that even if vv^e 
are just poor defenseless female v/omen with a punch in 
both hands, we get a square deal, isn't that it, Burr? 

Burrell {To Mabel)- — I might state my position less 
crudely. I am not one of those chemically pure creatures 
to whom God revealed himself in the form of platitudes, 
but I still believe in the simple element of justice. 

Mabel — There you are. Florence here's got it on the 
Shrimp for fair. 

Edward {Indicating Florence) — Why doesn't she talk for 
herself ? 

Florence — I can — but — I — 

Mabel {To Burrell) — This is no shake-down for coin, 
Burr. The kid's dead stuck on him. She's got used to the 
home stuff. Slippers by the fire, coffee and toast in bed, 
and the rest of it. Now there's {She zvhispers to Burrell). 

Burrell {Sympathetically) — Sh! I understand. {To 
Edward) As a matter of fact, you two just had a little quar- 
rel. The usual lovers' disagreement. Come now, isn't it so? 

Mabel — Nothing doing, it was a cold shake. He quit 
her dead. 

Edward — Fm going to stay quit, too. 

Florence {Tearfully) — Let him, I'm going. Fll not stay 
another minute. {She goes up. Mabel pursues her and 
grabs her at door rear. Burrell, by quick gesture, shoivs 
Edzvard that he is on his side, and is merely pretending 
friendship for the girls on purpose to blind them.) 

Mabel — You're bursting the schedule wide open. Who's 
putting this over, you or me? 

Florence — I don't care, Fm not going to stay, 

Mabel {Brings Florence down. To her) You're insulted, 
that's it. You give me a pain. Don't you know a husband 
can never insult his wife ? 

Florence — Yes, he can. 



178 THE WASTERS 

Mabel — But if she's a wise wife, she doesn't let on she is. 

Edward — She's not my wife, I tell you. There was no 
marriage ceremony, and there never will be. 

Mabel — What's a marriage ceremony between friends? 

BuRRELL — I think I see a solution of the problem. ( Winks 
to Edward.) 

Mabel — There can be only one. The kid here's got to 
get in right with the world, or we don't leave this place. 
This is new stuff that beats the law to a frazzle. 

BuRRELL — I offer my plan only tentatively. 

Mabel — That sounds good to me, whatever it is. 

BuRRELL — If it's acceptable, alright. If not, we'll try 
something else. 

Mabel — Shoot ! 

BuRRELL {To Mabel) — Suppose we, you and I, go off and 
leave these two young people alone ? 

Edward — I don't want it. I don't want to stay alone 
with her. 

Burrell (Tenderly) — Just a moment — (To Mabel) 
Very often the real cause of a lovers' quarrel is hidden from 
those looking on. If Edward and Florrie were left alone, I 
believe they'd find their differences only superficial. (Tak- 
ing Mabel's arm) What do you say? 

Florence (To Mabel) — Don't leave me. 

Mabel — I hate to do it. 

Burrell — It's your best chance. 

Mabel (At door) — Yes, I know it looks like a good bet. 

Burrell — There will be nothing lost. We'll be back in 
a few minutes. 

Mabel — It's a go. Look here, kid (7'o Florence), take 
this bag. (Gives hand bag with revolver in it to Florence.) 
If they pull any rough stuff, use the little forty- four. (To 
Edivard) Don't forget. Shrimp, if there's a catch in this 
somewhere, you'll get yours later. (Exit Burrell and Mabel 
L. After Burrell signs for Edward to get Florence otit of 
house. ) 



THE WASTERS 179 

Edward {To Florence) — Damn her! She engineered the 
whole thing. 

Florence — Well, after what the doctor said, I wanted 
to see you. I wrote and got no answer. I tried to telephone, 
they cut me right off, down at your club — 

Edward — Did you go to the club ? 

Florence — I was desperate. I didn't know you meant 
so much to me. 

Edward — Cut that out. I was your bank roll. I was 
your monumental good thing women of your kind don't 
want to lose. 

Florence — Women of my kind ? 

Edward — You're no better than the rest. It's all you 
ever will be. 

Florence {Fiercely) — Good God! You know different. 
I was always straight, then you came along. You remember 
how you kept after me. You know you told me you loved 
me — that — that — oh, you remember what you said. 

Edward — Yes, I remember. I should. I've said it so 
often. Why, there's hardly a chorus girl on Broadway who 
couldn't tell you I said the same to her at some time or other. 

Florence {Dejectedly) — At some time or other? 

Edward — They know the value to put on what a fellow 
says. They're good sports. They get the laughter, the 
wine, the song, and pay vv'ith a little love, then go their way 
and laugh and sing— and love again. 

Florence — But we were happy in that little flat together, 
weren't we? 

Edward — Happy! It was a nice place to rest after all 
the other places were shut. 

Florence — And I always waited up, dreading that some- 
thing had happened to you. Often I thought your machine 
had upset and that you were lying on the roadside moan- 
ing for my care. When fear used to grip me, I'd press my 
face against the window pane and imagine myself flying 
through the night to help you. And all the time you were 
telling those others just what you told me. 

Edward — Just what I told you, don't forget that. And I 
meant it just the same way. 



180 THE WASTERS 

Florence — I wish I'd known before. It wouldn't have 
been so bad. Why, the second day after you didn't come 
home I thought I'd go insane. I was all alone. Then when 
you stayed away till almost three weeks passed, I simply 
couldn't stand it. My life was done. There's nothing left 
for me — nothing. 

Edward — That's what they all say. ■ Some rant and tear 
around at first and want to take a shot at a fellow. After a 
while they take a few hundred dollars and go off and for- 
get it. 

Florence — Are you sure they forget it? 

Edward — There, buck up! This is a nice little world, 
Florrie. It will treat you right if you let it. Go right back 
to the flat. If the money I left you isn't enough, I'll send 
you more. 

Florence — And you won't marry me? 

Edward — Now, look here, Mabel put that in your head. 

Florence — It's the baby. I want to start him right. 

Edward — Be sensible. I can't marry you. Look at the 
difference in our social position. It would break my moth- 
er's heart. I'm a damned fool, I admit. I go around a good 
bit, but I'm not crazy enough to choke myself off from 
everything and everybody. I can't marry you, and I won't. 

Florence — Then everything's over. {She totters up 
stage. Enter Alice rear, dressed for street. The tzvo girls 
pause and look at each other.) You're his sister, aren't you? 

Alice — I am. 

Edward — Don't speak to her, Alice. (Takes Alice by 
arm.) 

Florence — I'm not going to say much. {To Alice) You're 
a pretty girl. You're a good girl. Well, I used to be like 
you — until— 

Edward — You've said enough. 

Florence — I just want to say to you — {Turning to 
Alice), stay good. Don't listen to anyone. 

Edward — Keep your advice to yourself. My sister and 
you are of two different worlds. 



THE WASTERS 181 

Florence — Different worlds ! Why should we be of dif- 
ferent worlds? We were born about the same time. {To 
Alice) You've always had it easy. I — well, never mind. Do 
you think God made you to get everything, every luxury 
v/ithout eifort, and love, honor, devotion without being put 
to the test ? Do you think He made me to struggle against 
starvation from the time my mother died and to v/ind up 
an outcast? Do 3^ou think that He made me to give birth 
to a baby that will be an outcast from the first instant it 
breathes? If God intended it that way, He isn't any more 
just than man is. (Exit Florence rear, crying after a com- 
plete breakdown.) 

Alice {Struggling zvith Edzvard to get free) — I'm going 
to help that poor girl, 

Edward — Stay where you are. She doesn't need help. 
That's all stage stuff, just for effect. 

Alice {Tries to free herself) — Let me go. It seemed 
very real to me. 

Edward— I tell you there's nothing to it. When she gets 
all those arguments out of her system, she'll settle down in 
the rut where she belongs and be contented. 

Alice — Papa's waiting in the car. I'm going to tell him. 
He'll do something for her. 

Edward — Alice, above all, don't tell the Governor. I'll 
see that no harm comes to the girl. It's a nasty affair, and — 
well, I've already given her a great deal of money. I'll see 
she gets all she needs. 

Florence — That's a promise, Edward? 

Edward — It is. 

Alice — Very well, let's go with father. 

Edward — Not this time ; next month sure. 

Alice — It's always next month. Mother thought you 
were over there last time. Father thought you were here. 

Edward — I explained that to the Mater. {Urges her up 
stage.) I hope you enjoy yourself. 

Alice {Stops and turns at door rear) — Enjoy myself! I 
can't. I'm very unhappy. 

Edward {Goes to her, shuts door rear) — What is it, little 
sister ? 



182 THE WASTERS 

Alice — Our home is split up so. Papa lives one place, 
mamma another. No matter in which house I am, I always 
feel that I belong somewhere else. 

Edward — Same way with myself. All the fellows I know 
that have two homes and a divorce in the family say the 
same thing. It's one reason I've batted around so much. {A 
shot is fired off.) 

Alice (Running close to Edivard) — What's that? 

Edward (Half -afraid) — A blow-out, wasn't it? The 
Governor's car. 

Alice (Opening door rear) — It was in the house. (Puts 
head out of doors.) Sounded like a shot. It was. There's 
somebody hurt. (Starts to go.) 

Edward (Holding her hack) — Don't go, Alice. Don't get 
mixed up in it. (Pulls her into room.) 

Alice — I may be needed. Let go of me! Suppose it's 
mamma. She's been despondent lately. If she saw papa 
she might — (Enter Imogene rear.) 

Servant (Excited) — She's shot herself. The girl that 
was here. The little one. (Exit servant rear.) 

Alice (Running off rear) — I knew it. 

Edward (Sinks on couch and buries his face in his hands) 
—My God ! (Enter Burrell R.) 

Burrell — What's the row ? 

Edward — She shot herself. 

Burrell (Leaving door and crossing to Edward) — Who? 
(Mabel appears at door R.) 

Edward — Florence ! 

Mabel — Florence! Good God ! (Runs off rear.) 

Burrell (To Edzvard) — She's not dead? 

Edward — Don't ask me. This is fearful. What am I 
going to do? (Buries his face in his hands. Re-enter Ma- 
bel rear.) , ■■ \ 

Mabel — She's dead. Poor little Florence I 

Burrell — Why, it can't be. 



THE WASTERS 183 

Mabel — But it is. 

Edward — -Who did it? 

Mabel — You! It was a frame-up. {To Burrell) You 
took me out of the way. When I told you it was a shot you 
stalled me. {Goes to Edzvard) Alright, Edward Cranston 
Millwood, you'll go to the chair. {To Burrell) I'll get you, 
too, Burrell, for being in on it. 

Edward — So help me, God, I was here with Alice. I'd 
nothing to do with it. {Enter Alice rear.) 

Alice {To Edward) — Father is here. 

Edward — Does father know? {Alice nods her head de- 
jectedly.) 

Burrell {To Alice) — How did it happen? 

Alice — No one seems to know. She went into the recep- 
tion room. {Enter Milhvood, Sr., rear. Father of Edzvard 
and Alice. A successful business man about fifty.) 

Edward — Father ! 

Millwood — What does this mean ? Who is the dead girl ? 

Mabel — She was — 

Burrel — Just a minute! Alice {To Alice), would you 
mind leaving us? 

Edward — Yes, do go, Alice. 

Millwood — What's the matter? Why can't your sister 
stay? What is there she may not hear? 

Burrell {To Milhvood) — I think you'd better let Alice 
leave us, Mr. Millwood. Your daughter is — is young. There 
are some things in life it would be just as well she didn't 
know. 

Alice {To Burrell) — But you said a little while ago I 
should knov/ everything possible about everything. {Bur- 
rell shrinks back a bit, abashed.) 

Millwood — Go to your room, Alice. You'd better pack 
your things. I'll take you away this time for good. 

Alice — I won't leave mother. 

Millwood — Where's j^our mother? 

Alice — She's — she's out. 

Millwood — Playing bridge. I thought so. I'll see if the 
courts won't give me permanent care of you. Get ready to go. 



184 THE WASTERS 

Alice — You won't take me from mother. {Exit Alice R. 
crying. ) 

Millwood (Indicating Mabel) — Who is this? 

BuRRELL — She's a friend of that other girl, Mr. Millwood. 
Came here with her. 

Mabel (To Milhvood)— Yes, Mr. Millwood, and I'm 
going to stay here till your son pays the price. 

Millwood — Pays the price? For what? 

Mabel — He killed that little girl out there. 

Millwood — Killed her! (To Edward) My Godl 

Edward (Hysterically) — I didn't. I tell you, I didn't. 

Millwood (To Mabel) — There! 

Mabel (To Milhvood) — Did you expect him to say yes? 
I'll see what the police do about it. (Goes up.) 

Millwood (To Burrell) — Don't let that girl leave the 
house. (Burrell gets between Mabel and door.) 

Burrell (To Mabel) — Don't run away, Mabel. We're 
your friends here. 

Mabel — I know what kind of friends you are. You kill 
a poor girl 'cause she gets you in trouble. That's the kind 
of friends you are. 

Millwood — You seem very sure of your statements. 

Mabel — I've a right to be. 

Millwood — Tell me everything. 

Mabel (To Millwood) — If you really want to know, I'll 
tell you. Your boy here is the worst rounder New York 
has seen for many a day. 

Millwood — I hardly think you can convince me of that. 

Mabel — No? Well, you don't need to take my word for 
it. All the time you thought he was in church he was in 
Churchill's. 

Millwood — Even there he could display ordinary de- 
cency. 

Mabel — There ain't no such animal. At least, I haven't 
noticed it among the Johns. That's what your kid was — 



THE WASTERS 185 

a John. There was hardly a girl from the Circle down to 
Herald Square that didn't call him Shrimp. And he liked 
it. Queer, isn't it? 

Millwood {Thoughtfully) — Yes, it is queer, if it's true. 

Mabel — True ! Do you think I'm stringing you right in 
front of him. Why don't he deny what I'm saying? {To 
Edward) Go on, Shrimp. Deny it. ' 

Millwood — -Well, what have you to say, sir? {Edward 
keeps his face in his hands.) 

BuRRELL {To Mabel) — I think Mr. Millwood can guess 
the rest. He is a man of the world. 

Millwood — I may be a man of the world, Mr. Burrell, 
but if you don't mind, I'll see this through in my way. {To 
Mabel) Where did you meet the dead girl? 

Mabel — She was a hat model in a Fifth Avenue store. 
When she first started on the job she was a picture. A good 
kid, too. He got her on a bet. 

Millwood — A bet! The honor of a girl was the sub- 
ject of a bet ! 

Mabel — Surest thing you know. When a new skirt that 
has some class, and hasn't been over the hurdles, shows any- 
where, all the Johns go after her. 

Millwood {Half gasp) — Oh — ! 

Mabel — Shrimp's a favorite in the betting. He copped 
Florrie. Poor kid, she didn't know the ropes. It was two 
whiffs of champagne, and they went housekeeping together. 

Millwood {Staggered) — Then what? 

Mabel — The old story. He deserted her. That's why 
she came here today. When she learned of the expected 
addition to the family, she went all to pieces. 

Millwood {Overcome) — A baby, too! {Enter Mrs. 
Millwood rear. She is in street dress. Her age is better 
than forty, though she looks younger.) 

Mrs. Millwood — What is the meaning of all this ? 

Edward {Looking up) — Mother! {To Millwood) Don't 
tell her. Don't ! 



186 THE WASTERS 

Mrs. Millwood {To Millwood) — What's this all about? 
{To Mabel) If you'll be so kind as to excuse us. 

Millwood {To Mabel) — Yes, do, for a few minutes. I 
want to talk to his mother. I'll see you later. 

BuRRELL — Come on, Mabel. They'll excuse us. {Leads 
Mabel.) They want to talk things over in the family. 

Mabel {Turning at door L.) — Don't forget, Shrimp, 
you'll get yours. {To Mrs. Millwood) Just tell the family 
I'm going to the police no matter what happens. {Exeunt 
Burr ell and Mabel.) 

Mrs. Millwood — What does the creature mean? 

Millwood — She means, madame, that this is your son. 
{Indicating Edward.) She means that he is accused of kill- 
ing the prospective mother of his child. 

Mrs. Millwood — Impossible! Edward — you didn't — 
say you didn't ! It's preposterous. 

Edward — I didn't. I swear, I didn't. 

Millwood {To Mrs. Milhvood) — The girl is lying dead 
in your reception room. 

Mrs. Millwood — Dead ! Here, in my house ? This is ter- 
rible! {She falls dejected in chair.) 

Millwood — I'm afraid it is, madame. Our one concern 
must be to save him from the chair. 

Mrs. Millwood {To Edward) — But you are innocent — . 
Say you're innocent. 

Millwood — Innocent! All the circumstantial evidence is 
against him. Do you know he is a rounder, a blackguard, 
a cynic at twenty-two, Vv^ho holds the honor of a girl so 
lightly, he bets with his lewd companions he can ruin her? 

Mrs. Millwood — I don't believe it. 

Millwood — It's not a matter of belief. It's a matter of 
proof. And not one girl. God knows the number. Poor 
little strugglers compelled to earn a livelihood have been his 
victims. 

Edward — Strugglers ! You don't know the type ; they're 
all the same. 



THE WASTERS 187 

Millwood — You and your kind make them all the same. 
{To Mrs. Millwood) This is all fruit that hangs on the tree 
of your divorce, madame. When you broke up the home, 
you planted the seed that bore this tragedy. 

Mrs. Millwood — Do you expect to use this trouble as 
an excuse to make me regret our divorce? 

Millwood — See what it has brought about ? It was your 
duty, in the face of everything, to hold the family together. 

Mrs. Millwood — You expected all the sacrifices to be 
made by me. 

Millwood — Well, anyhow, I gave you all the money you 
wanted. Why didn't you use it to make a man of him? {In- 
dicating Edivard.) 

Edward {To Millwood) — You think everything can be 
done with money. You made us think we could buy happi- 
ness with it. When I went to school my five hundred dol- 
lars a month and my car didn't get me anything but the 
envy of the boys who didn't have five hundred a month and 
a car. After a while I got to think that being hated because 
I had everything by the fellows who didn't have anything 
was great sport. When I was fired out of school, you 
stormed and tore around, but you didn't do anything but 
blame my mother. When I kidded you about living here 
one month and with you the next, and you found out I 
wasn't living in either place, you stormed and tore around 
again, and blamed my mother. That's all. You fumed a 
bit and shifted the responsibility. That's all you cared 
about — You got from under. It's all you want to do now, 
get from under. {Enter Burr ell L.) 

Burrell {To Mrs. Milhvood) — Mabel is waiting in your 
room, madame. Here's the key. {Gives key to Mrs. Mill- 
wood.) I think you can persuade her to say nothing. 

Mrs. Millwood — That may be a v/ay to save us the 
disgrace. 

Burrell — You'll have to act quickly. The police may 
come at any moment. {Exit Mrs. Milhvood L.) 

Millwood — Give her all the money she wants. Let her 
keep her mouth shut. 

Burrell {To Milhvood) — You'll have to handle the po- 
lice. Tell them that you sent for them. Say the girl shot 
herself because she was refused a position or something. 



188 THE WASTERS 

You are influential enough to convince them of anything. 
(To Edivard) Where can we go until this affair blows over? 

Edward {To Burrell) — You are going to stick by me? 

BuRRELL — Did you ever think I wouldn't? 

Millwood {Taking out money and giving it to Burrell)— 
T have a cattle ranch in the southwest. Suppose you go 
there? {Noise off L. as of door being broken open.) 

BuRRFXL — Mabel's trying to break the door ! Quick ! {To 
Edzvard) Let's off the back Vv^ay. {Edward and Burrell 
exit R.) 

Mrs. Millwood— Rest assured, the girl will say nothing. 

Edward {At door R.) Good-bye, mother. {Enter Alice 
rear.) 

Alice — The police are here. {Exeunt Edzvard and Bur- 
rell R.) 

Burrell {As he disappears) — Quick, Edward! {Enter 
Mabel L.) 

Mabel {She exes rear) — Where's Shrimp? A nice trick. 
{To Alice) Where's your brother? {Enter policeman rear.) 

Millwood {To policeman) — How are you, Merrick? 
Glad you're on the case. Here are the facts. {Policeman 
takes out notebook.) The dead girl came here to get a 
position. 

Policeman — Do you know her name, sir ? 

Millwood {Turns to Mabel) — You do. 

Mabel — It was Florence Pelletan. But I want to say — 

Millwood — Listen to me, officer, I — {Mabel tries to in- 
terrupt him.) 

Mabel — Let me tell you. 

Policeman {To Mabel)— Let Mr. Millwood tell his 
stoiy. Go on, sir. 

Millwood — If we had known, we could have averted the 
tragedy. We made choice of this young lady for the place 
{Indicating Mabel), because we saw in her qualities of mind 
and heart superior to the opportunities she has had in life 
so far. 



THE WASTERS 189 

Mrs. Millwood (Pleadingly to Mabel) — We'll make 
amends for all you have missed. We'll see you get a fine 
education. You can live in this house always. 

Policeman {To Mrs. Millwood) — Excuse me, ma'am. 

Millwood — We didn't know it meant so much to the 
other girl — Florence. We didn't know she was actually 
starving — that this was the chance she had been relying on 
to save herself. You understand, Merrick. We pointed out 
without thinking the advantages this young lady would have 
(Indicating Mabel), because she is discreet and knows when 
to talk and when to be silent for her own good. When we 
refused the other poor creature the position, she left us. 
The next thing we heard a shot. That's all. 

Mabel— No, it's not all. (To policeman) You listen to 
me. The way it came about was this — I — 

Alice (To Mabel) — -You came here with her. I was in 
the house all the time. You were the one I wanted. I 
wanted you because I need you. Since my father and 
mother were divorced, Edward and I have had no real home. 
You know what that means — no real home. I felt that you 
would be a help to me. That you would be a companion. 
That I would never be lonesome again. (Pleading.) Say 
you'll stay. You will learn the truth of everything. Say 
you'll be my friend. Say you will ! 

Policeman — I'd better get the chief in on this. (Turns 
to leave rear.) 

Mabel— Wait. 

Policeman (Stopping. To Mabel) — Well? 

Alice (Pleadingly) —Say you will be my friend. 

Policeman (To Mabel) — Do you want to make a state- 
ment? (Alice makes pleading gesture towards Mabel.) 

Mabel (To Policeman) — No, Pll wait and make mine to 
the judge. 

Curtain 

End of Act I 



THE WASTERS 



ACT II 



Scene — Interior of common room in ranch house. JVindoiv 
and door rear. Doors R. and L. There is a 
kitchen table covered zvith oil cloth doivn front 
at center. Saddles, blankets and other evidences 
of ranch life are streivn about and hanging from 
walls. A tray ivith glasses and bottles on upper 
corner of table. 

Time — A month later. 

Burrell and three cowboys arc discovered at table 
playing poker. As curtain goes tip, Alkali, one 
of the cowboys, rather old, faded and subdued, 
is singing as he deals the cards. 

Alkali — The long-horn started for the short cow-punch, 
The pinto bucked for he had a hunch, 

That the quicker they got from that there place, 
The sooner he'd Hve to save his face. 

Hi-y i-y ippy-yi -hi-y i . 

(Burrell and others pick up cards and look at them.) 

Burrell — Well, Alkali, I like your voice, but why do you 
waste it singing hymns? I pass. 

Alkali — That ain't no hymn, Mr. Burr, indeed it ain't. 
There's a lot more to that there song that I don't remember 
about the pinto running away — like — well a lot of swear 
words. 

Cowboy {To dealer) — Pass me. 

Second Cowboy — It'll cost you three chips. (Shoving 
chips to center of table.) Gi' me one card. 

Burrell (Shoving out chips) — I'll stay. Two cards, 
please. (The other player pushes chips to center of table 
and holds up his fingers for three cards.) 

Alkali (Dealing cards) — No, siree, that's no hymn. 

191 



192 THE WASTERS 

BuRRELL — I'll raise you five. {Pushes out chips. Alkali 
and one cozuboy raise again. Burrell drops ten chips, one 
at a time, on the pile. The cozvboy folloivs suit.) 

Alkali — That there — (Sings) Yi-hi-yippy-hi-yi might 
a' told you it wasn't no hymn. I ain't been to no church 
since — (To second cozvboy) Lookee here, Cub Freeman, 
what you doin'? (He counts the chips as the second cozv- 
boy drops them in the pile at center. Alkali thi'ozvs in his 
cards.) This is too swift for me. 

Cowboy — And ten. 

Burrell (Speaks quietly and indifferently as he pushes 
chips to center of table) — You should go to church, Alkali. 
Better still, you should save your voice until you do go. 
And ten. 

Second Cowboy (Pushes out all his remaining chips) — 
What ye got? (Throzvs cards dozvn face upzvards.) 

Alkali (Looking at cozjuboy's cards) — Full house on 
queens. 

Burrell (Throzving cards dozvn face up) — Fours! 

Alkali — Kings! I'll be jim swiggered. You seem to 
have cut your eye-teeth on poker, ain't you? 

Burrell — Well, all the gifts of the gods can't be yours. 
(Rakes in chips.) You have musical talent and a voice. 
I have luck at cards. 

Second Cowboy (Filling glass and gulping drink) — What 
yer think I got? 

Alkali — A chance to work steady for six months to pay 
off what you owe Mr. Burrell. I beat you, I can pay mine 
off in four. (Enter Edzvard L.) 

Edward (In snarling tone) — Still at it? 

Second Cowboy (Rising) — I'm through. Come on, Al. 
(Exit cozvboy and second cozvboy. Burrell toys voith cards.) 

Alkali — Me, too. 

Edward (Throzving himself in chair disgruntled) — A 
sweet little New Year's, isn't it? 

Burrell — You're perturbed ? 



THE WASTERS 193 

Alkali — No, he's just sore. {To Edivard) Ain't you, 
Mr. Cranston, 'cause they ain't no Broadway running over 
the mesa? 

Edward {With longing) — Broadway! 

Alkali — This is only a hold-over holiday. Larry says 
we're celebrating it just 'cause you're here. We put our 
best foot out Christmas. 

Edward {In tone of disgust) — Yes, I saw her foot. 

BuRRELL — Size eight — G width. 

Alkali {Half-offended, half-surprised) — Didn't you like 
the Christmas dance? 

Edward — Like it! I adored it. 

BuRRELL — What Mr. Cranston objected to at the dance, 
Mr. Alkali, is that he grew tired eating the dust. It tasted 
too much like your name pronounced several times in a great 
hurry. 

Alkali — Doggone it ! I told Sweeny to sprinkle the floor 
and keep down the alkali so you and Mr. Cranston could 
see the dancers. Well, water's mighty scarce out here, Mr. 
Burrell. 

BuRRELL — What did Sweeny say ? 

Alkali — Go to hell! 

Edward — Evidently thought you wanted to cool off. 
{Enter Larahee rear. He is about 26, well set up, brown 
from outdoor life. He speaks slowly tvith a suggestion of 
southern intonation. ) 

Larrabee {Going to desk near windozv, rear) — How's 
everybody? {Takes off hat and gloves, beats his trousers 
with gloves and knocks dust off.) 

Edward — Are you early or late, Larabee? 

Larabee — Late. {Throzvs gloves on desk, hangs hat up 
nearby.) The boys rounded up the skunk that made the 
attack on Mrs. Parkton's girl. 

Alkali — Did they plug him for keeps ? 

Larabee — Well, he'll not do any more sneaking in back 
doors after our girls. 



194 THE WASTERS 

Edward — From what I've seen of the girls out here. Lar- 
abee, anyone that would tackle them should get a medal. 

Larabee {Coming doivn sloivly) — Well, that's what this 
chap got. They strung it around his neck with a rope, then 
they attached the rope to a tree. I think the boys emptied 
about twenty other little medals into him altogether. 

Alkali — Gee, I wish I'd been there. The hound ! 

BuRRELL — Wasn't the justice rather swift? 

Larabee — Well, he did try to nose in later, but the job 
was finished. 

Burrell — I mean abstract justice. 

Larabee — We don't have any of that kind around here. 
Just a sheriff, and he's seldom on hand. 

Edward — That primitive idea of shielding woman gives 
me a pain. 

Larabee — It gave that chap several. 

Edward^AH the women I've met have been able to shield 
themselves, and then some. 

Larabee — Well, you see you come from one place, this 
is another. We wear our women in our hearts out here. 
Anybody that hurts them hurts us. 

Edward — I wish you'd come back to little old New York 
with me. I'd open your eyes. 

Larabee — Maybe I don't want to learn to see any dif- 
ferent. 

Burrell — The trip would do you good. 

Alkali — Maybe the New Yorkers would do him good. 
That's what Larry's skeered of. 

Larabee — Right, Alkali, I'm not hankering for any New 
York, not when I've got the comfort of the ranch. 

Edward (Sarcastically) — Comfort of the ranch! Good 
heavens ! 

Burrell (To Larry) — Confess now it is a little short of 
modern conveniences. 

Edward — It's not that, only nothing happens. (To Lar- 
abee) Do you know this is New Year's day? 



THE WASTERS 195 

Larabee — Yes, one of the fellows at the store told me 
yesterday. That was why the boys didn't do anything but 
round up the stock and feed them and shoe the ponies and 
mend the wagon and fix the harness and — 

Edward — And work about ten hours. Well, do you know 
what they're doing in New York now? 

Larabee— Can't say as I do. 

Edward {To Burrcll)—li doesn't seem fair to tell him. 
He'll go oft his nut to get back there. 

Burrell — Risk it. 

Edward — Come, Larabee, sit in a taxi with me. Here we 
are on Fifth Avenue. Look at the crowds. See how they're 
booted and gowned. All clean, fine, well set up, prosperous 
and happy. They're going into Delmonico's. The clubs 
get a share. Now we're at Forty-second Street and 
Broadway. Did you ever see such a jam? Listen to the 
horns. We're moving again. See them pour into the thea- 
tres, pleasure lovers, you bet, every one. Now the cabarets. 
Listen to the band! Hear that song? There's a fox trot. 
This is the famous Joliff's. Something doing here every 
minute — every minute, Larabee. You don't sit and eat 
your heart out waiting for something to turn up. Look at 
the girls. I know them all. I've loved them all. There's 
Sadie, Maude, Julia. Llello, Tilly. Isn't she stunning? Did 
you ever see such girls? Tell me, Larabee, did you ever 
see such beauties? I'm going back. I don't care if I go to 
jail I'm going back. {Enter second cowboy rear zvith mail 
sack.) 

Second Cowboy — Stage is in. Letters for everybody. 
Here you are, Mr. Burrell. Quite a bunch in that for you. 
{Gives Burrell large envelope zuith many letters inside.) 

Burrell — Thank you. 

Second Cowboy {To Edzvard) — A dozen for you, Mr. 
Cranston. {Gives letters to Edzvard, also some to Larabee, 
zvho goes to desk and opens them. Burrell goes to door R.) 

Alkali — I think you're hold' out on me. Cub Freeman, 
I'm goin' to complain to Washington. 

Cowboy— Don't do nothin' reckless. Alkali. Didn't I 
give you that post card away back in 1902? 

Alkali — That's right, you did. I was forgettin'. 



196 THE WASTERS 

Cowboy (At door rear) — And didn't I know you writ it 
yourself, just to make me think somebody cared if you was 
alive? (Exits rear.) 

Alkali (Follozving cowboy off) — Smart, ain't you, Avell, 
I'll see what President Wilson has to say about it. 

Edward (Excitedly, looking up from letter) — Burrell!! 
We're going to hit the trail. (To Burrell) Read this! 

Burrell (Coming down takes letter, reads) — What does 
it say? 

Edward (To Larabee) — Say, Larabee, order two saddle 
horses at once. Send our things on to us any way you think 
best. 

Larabee — What's the rush? There's no train you can 
catch right now. 

Edward (Dictatorially) — You do what you're told. Turn 
the whole damned ranch upside down to get us out of here, 
you understand? 

Larabee (With calm force, but showing resentment at 
the tone used by Edward) — Well, I'm not just inclined to 
turn the ranch upside down for you, Mr. Cranston, and I 
don't mind telling you. 

Edward (Hotly, turning at door R.) — Oh, you don't? 
Well, we'll see. You get busy. I'm going to leave this rot- 
ten place so quick it'll make your head spin. (Exit Edward 
R. Larabee goes toward R., anger shozving in his attitude.) 

Burrell (Conciliatingly) — Don't mind him, Mr. Lara- 
bee; he's a spoiled offspring. 

Larabee — He's not half so spoiled as he's likely to be if 
he comes much of that talk around here. (Sound of horses' 
hoofs off.) 

Burrell (Looking out of luindow) — That's a visitor! A 
genuine, dyed-in-the-wool visitor. Look at him. The first 
anti-cow person I've seen on the estate since I've been here. 

Larabee (At open door rear) — He's new to me. (Enter 
detective rear.) 

Detective — Excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Larabee. 

Burrell — Come right in, Mr. Larabee's waiting to greet 
you; there he is. (Indicates Larabee.) But don't use up 



THE WASTERS 197 

all your conversation v/ith him, I want some of it. That 
Manhattan dialect sounds very refreshing. {Exits R.) 

Detective {Looking after Burr ell) — I can't just seem to 
place him. Who is he? 

Larabee — You won't mind, stranger, if I ask you that 
there question about yourself? 

Detective — Right 3'ou are. {Pulls bundle of letters out 
of his pocket.) First, am I talking to John F. Larabee? 

Larabee — That's what Fve always been called. 

Detective — Partner of Prescott D. Millwood, New York 
City? 

Larabee — Nothing like that, nothing flighty or high-toned. 
Just partner in this here ranch, that's all. 

Detective — Very well, Mr. Larabee, we have had con- 
siderable correspondence, you and me. I am A. F. Budwell 
of the Budwell Private Detective Agency. 

Larabee {Joyfully clutching detective's hand)- — -You've 
found my sister ? 

Detective {Cautiously) — Well, yes and no. 

Larabee {Reacting from disappointment) — Yes and no! 
Hot and cold! What do you mean, Mr. Budwell? 

Detective {He checks off the various statements of Lar- 
abee during scene) — Just what I say. Before I commit my- 
self to anything, let us get our bearings. {Sits at table and 
runs over papers as he talks.) About what year was it that 
your mother left your father ? 

Larabee — I was twelve then. It's just about fifteen years 
ago. {Fills glass xvith whiskey and pushes it over to de- 
tective.) 

Detective — Thank you, here's how! {Drinks.) Now, 
how old was your sister? 

I-Arabee — She wasn't more than about two, a dear little 
one. It almost broke my heart to lose her. 

Detective — You're sure her name was Florence? 

Larabee {Calmly and deliberately) — My sister's name 
was Florence, Mr. Budwell. You have no call to think I'd 
ring in a maverick with a different brand, have you? 



198 THE WASTERS 

Detective (Hastily)— l<^ot at all, Mr. Larabee, not at all. 
Only I wanted to be sure. It may be important. Please 
tell me the history of yourself and sister as far as you know. 
Begin with the divorce in Chicago. 

Larabee— Well, after the divorce the family naturally 
split up. Mother took Florence and went East. Father 
hung around Chicago for a spell, but after a while he took 
to drinking and got downright poor and drifted to the cow 
country. 

Detective — Was there interchange of letters? 

Larabee — For a year or so, then something was said 
about my mother marrying again. 

Detective — Did you ever learn who she married? 

Larabee — All I know is Dad got sore. Also got drunk. 
He raved a lot about woman's perfidy. That's the word. 
I looked it up in the dictionary. And, oh yes, Dad burned 
all the letters. 

Detective — Unfortunate ! However, I think it's safe for 
me to go on from there. (Pulls out letter after looking bun- 
dle over.) In eighteen and ninety- five you were in north- 
eastern Texas? 

Larabee — On the Sherwood ranch. That's where I rode 
my first pinto. 

Detective— Your mother was then living with your sister 
Florence in a boarding house on West Eighteenth St., New 
York. She married Arthur Pelletan, an artist, in November 
of that year. 

Larabee — I never heard Avho she married. 

Detective — From the outset your sister was called Flor- 
ence Pelletan. Did you know your mother was divorced 
the second time? 

Larabee — No. 

Detective — Pelletan was — well, as I said before — he was 
an artist. Your mother died shortly after the separation. 
Your sister was always called Pelletan until the day — - 

Larabee— What day? 

Detective — I'm sorry to have to tell you. But your 
sister Florence is — (Pause.) 



THE WASTERS 199 

Larabee — She's not gone over the divide ? 

Detective — Your sister Florence died in the home of 
your partner, Prescott D. Millwood, just five weeks ago. 

Larabee — In the home of Milhvood ? 

Detective — I should change that by saying the home of 
Millwood's wife. 

Larabee — How did Florence come to be in that house? 

Detective — That's just it, Mr. Larabee. {Edging close 
to Larry.) I have made this journey across the continent 
to talk this thing over with you. You don't get the papers 
here, do you? New York papers, I mean? {Larabee shakes 
his head.) Thought not. That's the reason I brought this 
along. {Shoivs page of paper.) See, "Suicide of Working 
Girl in Home of Millionaire." 

Larabee — A suicide ! ! 

Detective — That was the verdict, anyhow. Everything 
was hushed up. Millvv^ood's money, I guess. They said she 
called to get a position as a domestic. The name Florence, 
the girl's age, the fact she came originally from Chicago 
with her mother about the date you said your mother and 
sister went east, interested me. 

Larabee — Well, well, go on. For God's sake tell me 
everything you know. 

Detective — Patience, Mr. Larabee. I've got to show the 
reason for every step I took. The papers told how Flor- 
ence Pelletan, before she got a job as a hat model, had a 
long fight with starvation. 

Larabee — Starvation ! 

Detective — They also mentioned a girl named Mabel 
Banderhope. See there {Points to paper), it says she was 
a friend of your sister, but it doesn't say Mabel Banderhop 
went to the Millwood house with your sister the day she 
was shot. It doesn't say that Mabel is still there making it 
her home, living on the fat of the land and being made over 
from a face-food demonstrator into a lady. 

Larabee — What do you think? What's your theory? 

Detective — Wait. I saw Mabel, and told her about you. 
Had to, to get her to talk. She showed me letters that didn't 



200 THE WASTERS 

reach the coroner. I held out one of them. {Offers letter 
to Larahce, which latter reads.) Do you recognize the 
writing ? 

Larabee — It's my father's. 

Detective (Drazvs chair near Larahce) — Thought so. 
Very good. Now Hsten, Mabel told me that young Ed 
Millwood ran away west two hours after the shooting — 
something she didn't tell the coroner. She didn't tell him 
either that young Millwood was the cause of your sister's 
trouble. 

Larabee — Trouble? What trouble? {Detective rises and 
goes to upper end of table. He fills glass ivith liquor and 
drinks.) 

Detective — Your sister went to that house to make young 
Millwood marry her. 

Larabee {Affected) — Oh, my sister was just one of the 
Maudes, the Julias, the Sadies that ever3^body knows, that 
everybody loA^es. {Edzvard's voice sounds off. Larry glances 
quickly in direction of sound.) Here, have a drink. {Fills 
glass, detective takes it and drinks.) 

Detective — Thanks, here's to you. 

Larabee {Quietly) — You say young Millwood ran away? 

Detective — Well, he went away the day your sister died. 
I remember you told me in a letter that old man Millwood 
was your partner in this ranch. I thought the young scoun- 
drel might be here. 

Larabee {Glances at door R.) — Llere! Him! Oh, no. 
What does he look like? Young Millwood, I mean? 

Detective — In New York he'd be called good looking. 
About twenty-two ; undersized. They call him Shrimp Mill- 
wood on Broadway. His full name is Edward Cranston 
Millwood. 

Larabee {Significantly glancing R.) — Edward Cranston 
Millwood, that's a good name, I reckon. Much better than 
Shrimp. Edward Cranston Millwood. Quite a mouthful. 

Detective — Yes, just as you say. {Looks R. Door R. 
opens, voice of Edzvard sounds loud as if he zvas about to 
enter.) 



THE WASTERS 201 

Larabee — Stay here just a minute. Help yourself. {Pulls 
tray of liquor down to detective.) I'll be right back. (Goes 
R. and exits R.) 

Detective (Filling glass) — Don't hurry on my account. 
(Larabee enters very quietly R. He has gone and taken 
key from lock on other side of door and makes this obvious, 
as he now inserts key in lock on stage side of the door and 
turns it very gently.) 

Larabee (Apologetically) — Our manners out here are not 
quite up to yours in the East. 

Detective — Don't mention it. I know plenty around 
Third Avenue not very strong on manners. (Banging is 
heard on door R.) 

Larabee — They'd butt right in. Listen to that! 

Voice Off — Open this door — (Banging on door.) Open, 
damn you! 

Detective — They might get to shooting. 

Larabee — H they've got their gats handy they sure will. 
Now this is my affair, Mr. Budwell. You agree with me 
that I've a right to run my own ranch in my own way. 
(Knocking on door, shouts off.) 

Detective — Why, certainly. 

Larabee (At door L.) — Do you mind stepping in here 
until I settle this little matter? (Detective goes L.) 

Detective — Of course, I'll be pleased to. If you need 
help, call on me, Mr. Larabee. (Detective exits L.) 

Larabee (Putting head in door L.) — Thank you, I'll be 
able to handle these waddies myself. It's only the New 
Year's spirit cropping out. (Closes door L. Enter second 
cowboy and Alkali rear.) 

Alkali (Going R.) — What's the row? 

Larabee— Here Alkali (Alkali stops), don't go there. 
(To cowboy) Bud, you go and stampede every horse on the 
ranch. 

Second Cowboy — Stampede ? 

Larabee — Don't argue, hustle! 



202 THE WASTERS 

Second Cowboy — Well, Larry, you're the boss, you cer- 
tainly are. What you say goes. (Exits rear.) 

Larabee (Picking up tray of liquors) — Here, Alkali, you 
take this and go in there. (Indicating L.) Keep that 
stranger tanked up. 

Alkali (At door L. zvith tray) — Sure, Larry. Kin I 
join him, like for a toothful now and then? 

Larabee — Sure, but give him all he wants. (Exit Alkali 
L. zvith tray. Larry goes quickly to door R. and gently un- 
locks it, taking key zvith him. He goes off rear, knocking 
sounds again on door R., the handle is turned, it opens. 
Enter Edzvard R., dressed to ride.) 

Edward — Who the devil locked that door? (Enter Bur- 
rell R. He is dressed to ride.) 

BuRRELL — I told you it wasn't locked. (Goes rear.) Wait 
here, I'll see about the ponies. (Exit Burrell rear. Edward 
goes up. Larry enters just as Edzvard is about to go out 
rear. ) 

Larabee (Half blocking Edzvard's exit) — Going? 

Edward — Yes, and somebody wanted to keep me from 
going. That door was locked. 

Larabee — Some of the boys, maybe. (Placatingly.) Well, 
you won't hold a grudge. It's the way they celebrate New 
Year's out here. We haven't any tin horns and taxis and 
cabarets. 

Edward — Did you attend to the horses? 

Larabee (Giving evidence that he is trying to blind Ed- 
zvard to his purpose) — I sure did, Mr. Cranston. You 
wanted me to, didn't you? I'm right sorry I didn't quite 
understand you at first about the horses. Indeed I am. 

Edward — Oh, that's alright, Larabee. I v/as a bit im- 
patient. 

Larabee — I'd hate to see you going off feeling sore. Look 
as if we hadn't treated you and Mr. Burrell just right. 

Edward — I'm not sore. Not a bit. 

Larabee (Getting bottle and glass) — Prove it. (Pours 
liquor in glass.) Flave a toothful. 



THE WASTERS 203 

Edward (Taking glass) — You're on. 

Larabee {Filling oivn glass) — Here's how. 

Edward — Here's hoping I'll see you in New York soon. 
{Both drink.) 

Larabee — Your father's been wanting me to go back for 
over a year now. 

Edward {Startled) — My father! 

Larabee — Mr. Millwood. 

Edward — You know who I am? 

Larabee — Knew all along. Your full name's Edward 
Cranston Millwood, isn't it? 

Edward {Sets dozvn glass) — What do you think of that? 
You Westerners are a keen bunch. 

Larabee — Of course, you wanted to get a line on the 
way the ranch was being run, isn't that it? So's you could 
report to your father? 

Edward — Let me tell you, Larabee, that report will be 
A No. L 

Larabee — Thank you, Mr. Millwood. I was often 
tempted to talk to you about things in New York. L've a 
lot of questions to ask nobody but you can answer. 

Edward {Sitting dozvn) — Fire away. The joyous little 
burg hasn't any secrets from me. 

Larabee {Growing confidential) — It's about the women. 

Edward {Turning quickly to Larry) — The what? 

Larabee — You know, the girls. 

Edward — Girls ! I could lead my ace right now. But 
you've got me guessing. 

Larabee {Looking around and speaking intimately) — 
Tell me of the Maudes, the Julias, the Sadies. You know, 
'A\ the girls. Tell me how you get them. 

Edward — Well, what do you think of that? Your num- 
ber's in the book alright. Want to know all about the short 
cuts, don't you? Thinking of a flying trip to the metropolis 
on the quiet? 



204 THE WASTERS 

Larabee — You're a mind reader. 

Edward — Don't worry, Larabee, I'll be on hand to guide 
you among the fairies. 

Larabee (Significantly) — But I can't go right away. And 
something might happen to you in the meantime. 

Edward — Well, I'll help you all I can, but they'll get you 
anyhow. There never was an alkali eater some Jane didn't 
trim, no matter if he knew the rules backwards. 

Larabee — What I want to know is how you operate. 

Edward — Going to follow in my footsteps. 

Larabee — You go around to stage doors, don't you ? 

Edward — Stage doors! That stuff's a joke in Puck. 
Without it that little barber shop periodical wouldn't have 
a circulation beyond the Bronx. (Bends towards Larabee.) 
Listen, Larabee, the one place you don't go is to the stage 
door. 

Larabee — (Intimately, friendly) — You don't say so now. 
Well, tell me, how did you get Maude to begin with? 

Edward — Maude ? Let me think ? Maude, Maude ? Oh, 
yes, she wasn't the first and she wasn't the last. 

Larabee — vSort of just was, is that it? 

Edward — It's funny, but it's the first gfri hangs on in the 
memory strongest, though the last one crowds her a bit. 

Larabee — Well, with so many, no wonder. Just think 
of having a crowd for a wife. 

Edward — The Mormons thrive on it. 

Larabee — The Mormons aren't thriving much to speak 
of on the crowd principle just now. Anyhow,, tell me how 
you got her. 

Edward — Well, Maude was old at ten. She knew the 
purr of a limousine a mile away. Estimated the make, gear, 
price and social and financial standing of the owner before 
he'd turned the corner. It was a long toot on the auto horn 
and two shorts for hers. 

Larabee — Easy, isn't it? 

Edward — You can come in on your high speed with the 
Maudes and never use your shock absorber once. 



THE WASTERS 205 

Larabee — Well, Julia now. 

Edward — Julia! Ah, she was a peach, a pippin. Third 
from the end. Second row, the first night. The next she 
v/as down front elbowing the comedian out of the spot. It 
took five formal letters and two mash notes to convince her. 
Sadie I whistled for ; Tilly used to wait for me on the front 
steps of the club. That was after I'd made my reputation 
as a spender; she already had hers as an animated appetite. 

Larabee — Don't you get tired of that kind of game? 

Edward- — I did. A fellow wants to do the hunting. You 
know, instinct. 

Larabee — You had to hunt for some. Florrie, for in- 
stance. 

Edward (Rising quickly) — Who the devil said anything 
about Florrie? 

Larabee {Quietly) — Didn't you call her that? Maybe it 
was Florence. Sit down. 

Edward — I don't remember mentioning her name. 

Larabee — You did. She seemed to be one that wasn't 
quite a crowd like the rest. 

Edward (Soberly) — It was different about her. She — 
(Pause.) 

Larabee — Oh, I see, it was serious. 

Edward — No, but a fellow gets tired of the rounders. 
You know, the dames that can tell the price of the cham- 
pagne by a whiff of the cork. 

Larabee — Naturally. What was Florrie ? Chorus ? 

Edward — Did you ever hear of Thiessen's on the Av- 
<inue? (Larabee shakes his head.) Well, at Thiessen's a 
half-dozen girls circle around on a raised platform, appear- 
ing and disappearing behind heavy curtains. Each time they 
come out they have different hats on, that the audience of 
females of both sexes buy. 

Larabee — She just wore hats, is that it? 

Edward — A model. She hadn't been doing that lock-step 
of fashion more than a week before the fellows down at the 
club were having a trv at her. 



206 THE WASTERS 

Larabee {Nervously) — At Florrie, that was. They all 
failed? 

Edward — There are tricks the wisest never get to play 
just right. I bet I'd land her, and I did. 

Larabee {Jerking forward intently, hut speaking indif- 
ferently) — Now just how did you do it on a bet? 

Edward — Scientifically. 

Larabee — Ah, yes, scientifically. This is where I get a 
real lesson. 

Edward — The introduction I worked through her land- 
lady. 

Larabee— Down where she lived? 

Edward — I v/ent to live in the same boarding house. 
Everything v;as very quiet and gentle. No rah, rah stuff. 
remember. 

Larabee— Didn't let on you were rich ? 

Edward — Not a whisper. A big front would have scared 
her ofi^. I was two months rounding her up. 

Larabee {Pulling closer to Edward) — We're just where 
I get that real lesson. Now, how did you win? 

Edward — One night after she got through and she was 
too tired to think, we haggled with a chauffeur to rent us 
an auto cheap. It vv^as her first ride and a plant. 

Larabee — A what? 

Edward — A frame-up. I used to meet her half a dozen 
blocks from the store and when she came along the chauf- 
feur and I were busy talking prices. Before she knew it 
she was interested. She finally made the deal to rent my 
own car at half rates and chortled like a kid over the 
bargain. Well, we had a little supper at a roadhouse. She 
didn't like Mumm's, she didn't like Cliquot, she didn't like 
the cocktails, nor the highballs, but I got her to take a sip 
of each just as a sample. After a while her eyes began to 
glaze. The mixed samples did the trick. I got her to take 
two solid drinks to brace her. From then on she was eat- 
ing out of my hand. 

Larabee — Tell me exactly what happened. 



THE WASTERS 207 

Edward — What do yott think? She simply didn't go 
home that night. 

Larabee (Quickly and nervously pulling revolver from 
holster, then quietly laying it on table) — Well go on — go 
on — • 

Edward — There's no more. What are you doing with 
the artillery? {Indicating revolver.) 

Larabee— That ? Oh, you take it. It might go off. 
{Pushes it toivards Edzvard.) 

Edward {Takes revolver) — ^Nice little toy. 

Larabee — Keep it, you may have to fight for your life yet. 

Edward — You think so? Why? 

Larabee — Out West here anything might happen. Tell 
me how Florrie — that's her name, isn't it — tell me how she 
came to die. 

Edward {Gets to his feet)- — Die? Who told you she was 
dead? 

Larabee — Why, you did. You started off with that. 
That's how I became so interested. What made you give 

her up ? 

Edward — Too much home comfort stuff". At the end of 
the third month the affair had all the platitudes of marriage. 
Pale-faced wife at the window all night while husband roy- 
stered, and all the rest of it. 

Larabee — She took it seriously? I mean, just like mar- 
riage ? 

Edward — She? She had a matrimonial mind. Used to 
think in terms of housekeeping — all she needed was a mar- 
riage certificate. She certainly did shed tears over that little 
formality. She didn't want to live without it. 

Larabee {Leaning close io Edzvard)— See here, Mill- 
wood, something may happen so that you'll never see New 
York again. Would you fight? 

Edward {Fingering revolver) — Fight? I certainly would. 
{Getting to feet.) 

Larabee — You're sure ? 

Edward — As long as I could see to shoot. 



208 THE WASTERS 

Larabee (Rises) — Good! You'll have a chance. (Auto 
horn sounds off, Ed runs rear.) 

Edward (Looking out of windozv) — What's that? An 
Alco. Two of them, women, real women, girls, skirts. 
(Runs to door and opens it. Enter Alice rear. She ivears 
veil and duster. They are covered with alkali.) 

Alice (Whipping veil off and rushing into Ed's arms) — - 
Edward ! 

Edward — Alice ! 

Mabel (Appearing at door rear zvith Imogene and chauf- 
feur zvith cowboy grouped behind her) — Well, who does the 
honors, I'm one of the party? (Comes down.) 

Alice — You know Mabel, Edward ? 

Mabel — Know me? Why, Shrimp (Changing quickly), 
I mean Mr. Millwood, knows me very well, thank you. Please 
introduce me to the magazine cover. (Indicating Larabee.) 

Edward — Miss Banderhop, Mr. Larabee. (Ed goes to 
Alice at rear, leads her to chair and sits whispering to her.) 

Mabel (To Larabee) — So you're Larabee. I'm Mabel. 
You've heard of me! Yes, no? Oh, all right. (Turns to 
group at door.) Bring the grips and things in here, Imy. 
We're at home. (To Larabee) We're at home? 

Larabee — You certainly are. Fred, help them straighten 
out. ( To cowboy at door rear. ) 

Mabel (Exit Imogene, cowboy and chauffeur rear) — 
Quite a surprise party, ain't it? Excuse me, I should sa}'^: 
Isn't it? I've been using that kind of language five weeks 
now and it hurts my voice every time I try. 

Larabee — You're doing mighty well. Miss Banderhop. 

Mabel — That's out. Call me Mabel. 

Larabee — Very well, Miss Mabel. 

Mabel — Help ! Here, I pictured you a bold bad monthly 
magazine hero, and you're as polite as a Broadway dip in a 
crowded car. What do you think I came away out here for ? 

Larabee — Well, tell me what you came away out here for. 
And in an auto. 

Mabel — Two autos. But they were shipped on the rail- 
road. Mr. Millwood attended to that. He owns the railroad 



THE WASTERS 209 

and everything else that's loose around here and has a mort- 
gage on all the rest, hasn't he ? 

Larabee — Some of the stock in the Western & South 
Western Railroad is held by Mr. Millwood and he also owns 
half interest in this ranch. 

Mabel — For God's sake, don't be so exact. Mr. Millwood 
thought, because Alice thought, and Alice thought because I 
thought it would be some little surprise for Shrimp, I mean 
Mr. Millwood junior, if we came and gathered him and Bur- 
rell back to the lights. Take them back to New York, you 
know, Mr. Solid Ivory Dome. (Taps her head.) 

Larabee — You're just in time. They were about to leave. 

Mabel— -Leave ! You mean run, go away ! Make a break 
for it? (Glances around quickly and seises Larabee' s arm.) 
Shhh — There hasn't been anybody here? A detective. 
Heavy set fellow with an oily tongue ? His name's Budwell. 

Larabee (Glancing at door L.) (Thoughtfidly) — Detec- 
tive ! Heavy set. Named Budwell ? No. 

Mabel (Looks quickly at Ed) — We beat him to it. Well, 
listen. Did you ever have a sister named Florence ? 

Larabee (Glancing quisicaUy at Mabel, then speaking 
thoughtfully) — Florence? No. 

Mabel — What ! You didn't? (Backing away from him.) 
Did you ever have any sister? 

Larabee — Never, 

Mabel — Wouldn't that cork you? That flat-foot, Bud- 
well, was stringing me! (Pause.) And I framed up this 
trip to the alfalfa with two autos, a chaperone, Imogene and 
all the trimmings of real culture just to get that dope. 

Burrell (Enter Burr ell rear.) — Mabel! 

Mabel — Hello, Burr. 

Burrell — Is my brain toppling or is it the world's up- 
tipped ? 

Mabel — Both. But the uptipping dropped the northwest 
corner of Herald Square out among the sage brush. I held 
onto the bock beer sign. (Alk. appears L. and beckons for 
Larry. Sound of singing off.) 

Larabee (To Mabel) — Excuse me. (Goes up L.) 



210 THE WASTERS 

Alkali (Going close to Larry) — Say, Larry, that there 
stranger's like a bucket with a hole in it. Can't seem to fill 
him, nohow. 

Larabee (Urging Alkali off L.) — I'll see what I can do. 
(Exits L. with Alkali.) 

BuRRELL — Hold any grudge, Mabel ? 

Mabel — Not so's you'd notice it. You shooed me into a 
soft snap, you did. A regular Delmonico meal ticket. 

BuRRELL — It's a life job. No more demonstrating face 
food at Lacey's for you if you keep your eyes open and your 
mouth shut. 

Mabel — What do you think I am, an understudy for an 
oyster? Not on your platinotype. I'm the boss of the shop. 
Boss, do you hear ? I framed this trip. 

BuRRELL — Discretion and floating with the tide will get 
you along all the same. 

Mabel — Not where I want to go. When I'd Alice set on 
this hike to see Shrimp, I saw nothing was forgotten. I 
learned old Moneybags Millwood owned the railroad and 
asked him for it. He hated to fire the engineers and brake- 
men. So, instead, he gave us two autos. Two, count them. 

BuRRELL — Why two ? 

Mabel — ^Think I'd take a chance in one? Suppose it 
broke down? Then he handed up railroad tickets, baggage 
cars, special trucks for the autos to get us as far as his two 
streaks of rust and right of way runs. And here we are. 
Ready to go back. 

BuRRELL — So are we. Ed's got to go at once. (Enter 
Alkali L. As he opens door singing is heard off. He tip- 
toes to Burr ell.) 

Alkali — I hear you all are agoin' to New York. (Btir- 
rell nods.) Say, would you mind if I asked you to send me 
a letter all to myself? I just want to show that there Bud 
Freeman once. 

Mabel — Dusty Dobbin, count on me. I'll send you a 
dozen letters with my photograph. 

Alkali — Honest, now, will you ma'am ? And a post card 
with the Brooklyn Bridge on it ? 



THE WASTERS 211 

Mabel — Yes, Dobbin, and one with the Flat Iron Building 
on it. Another with the Statue of Liberty. {Enter Larabee 
L. Singing sounds loud. Alkali backs off L. at nod from 
Larabee.) 

Alkali — Thank you, ma'am, thank you. {Exit L.) 

Mabel {To Larabee) — Let's in on the grand opera. {In- 
dicating roofn L.) 

Larabee — A cow punch. He's a bit loco. {Touches his 
head.) 

Mabel — Maybe his regular supply of alkali has been cut 
off. 

BuRRELL {To Larabee) — There's not a horse in the corral. 

Larabee {Going rear) — Stampede! 

Edward {Rising) — Never mind, we'll travel by auto. 
They sent two along to get us. 

Larabee — Lucky! You're certainly well fixed to travel. 

Mabel — Surest thing you know. When I go out to do any 
kidnaping, I always bring home the bacon. Look out for me, 
John F, Larabee, Esquire. {Imogene, chauffeur, appear 
rear with grips, etc.) 

Edward {To Imogene) — Take them back. You women 
would die here. No accommodations whatever. We're going 
right away. 

Imogene — Right away ! Well, don't it beat all ? And my 
throat's so clogged up with lumps of the highway I can't 
breathe. 

Mabel — We'll turn a vacuum cleaner loose on you, Imy. 

Edward — Down in Pindlar, Imogene, they have a hotel. 
It has beds in it, real beds. Here they have planks. Down 
there they also have food, real food. Here they have beans. 
And above all down at Pindlar they have a railroad that 
can take you far away from here — far, far away. 

Mabel — It was built by a man that wanted to run it to 
heaven, but changed his mind at the last minute and ran it 
to New York instead. We may use that railroad any time. 

Imogene {Joyfully) — Oh, well, if you're going back to 
New York, that's different again. {Imogene and chauffeur 
pick up grips and exit rear.) 



212 THE WASTERS 

Mabel {To Larahee) — Won't you come with us, Mr. 
Larabee ? Mr. Millwood said I wasn't to leave without you. 

Alice {To Larahee) — Papa said I was to be sure and ask 

you to visit him, Mr. Larabee. 

BuRRELL {To Larahee) — Do come along. We'll take the 
lid off Manhattan for your benefit. 

Edward — Come on, Larabee, we'll make the man that 
wrote the Arabian Nights sound like a prize story winner 
in the Ladies' Home Journal. 

Larabee — I reckon not. The ranch's Arabian Nights 
enough for me. 

Alice {Comes doivn) — If I was introduced so I could 
talk to you, Mr. Larabee, Ld join in. 

Mabel {To Edward) — Not introduced! My Riverside 
Drive manners have the blind staggers. John F. Larabee, 
Esquire, this is Miss Millwood. 

Larabee — I'm glad to meet you. Miss Millwood. Sorry 
the ranch hasn't any accommodations for ladies. 

Alice — It's fine. I love it. 

Edward {To Larahee) — You'll excuse me on that intro- 
duction. Put it down to the excitement. 

Larabee {Looking at Alice) — There's no call for apology. 
No call at all. Anybody's got a right to get excited. 

Mabel {To Larahee) — You'll do. That's just how the 
last installment in the continued story I'm reading sounded. 

Edward {To Burrell) — Come on, Burr. We can take a 
few of our traps along. {Exit Edward R.) 

Burrell {To Larahee)— 'Etii&r think it over, Larabee, 
and come along. We've got something and the Woolworth 
Building to show you. {Exit Burrell R.) 

Mabel {Exes rear with Alice) — I'll see if the boobs have 
the autos wound up. {Half slyly, to Alice) You get next. 
{Indicating Larahee) Flash your lamps on him at the proper 
angle, so. Like one of them home and mother girls of the 
stage! {Imitating conventional stage young girl.) They'll 
have more drawing power than twenty Woolworth Buildings 
— or mustard plasters. {Exits rear.) 



THE WASTERS 213 

Larabee — Your father's the same Millwood. He's his 
father, too. (Indicating Edward.) 

Alice — Edward's my brother. I'm sure you'd like it in 
New York, Mr. Larabee. Did you ever see the subway? 

Larabee — No. 

Alice — It's wonderful. Simply wonderful. And the L, 
did you ever see the L ? 

Larabee — Never saw the L. I'm right sorry to say I've 
been no traveler at all, Miss Millwood. 

Alice — Oh, then you'll join our party. Say you will. 
We'll keep to the automobiles as far as we wish. Then take 
the train. It'll be such fun. 

Larabee — I'm afraid I've got to disappoint you, Miss 
Millwood. I got no call to go meandering off to New York 
at this time. A round-up's about due. Some of the stock 
hasn't been doing real well on account of not enough water. 

Alice — That won't make the least bit of difference, Mr. 
Larabee, I'm sure it won't. Papa won't care. 

Larabee — I'll care, Miss Millwood. And when I care 
there's nobody else got any call to worry. 

Alice — You can't tell how sorry I am. Do you know I 
just thought and thought of you all the time, and how fine 
it would be if I could take you around and show 3^ou the 
places. 

Larabee (Looking at her closely) — You take me around? 

Alice (Eriibarrassed) — Yes. That is, if all of us could, 
you know. You see, Mabel talked a lot about you. We 
wondered together if you'd be just like — just like — just like 
— you know, just the same as the story book western men. 

Larabee — Am I? 

Alice — Oh my, no. You're not like a best seller at all. 
(Enter Edivard R. zvith grip.) 

Edward — Let's beat it. (Calls off) Train's starting. Burr, 
get a move on. (Enter Mabel rear.) 

Mabel — All set. (Alice goes up to door rear. Mabel 
speaks to her.) Any luck? 

Alice — No. He's chained to this place. 



214 THE WASTERS 

Mabel — Well, if you couldn't make him drag his anchor, 
it's no use any of us trying. All aboard. Supper at Pindlar 
in forty minutes. (Exit Mabel and Alice rear.) 

Larabee (To Edzvard) — Your sister's a right nice girl. 

Edward — Alice ! You bet. She's the only thing in the 
world I really love. 

Larabee — Oh, you love your sister, do you? That's 
strange. Now did it ever strike you, Millwood, that Maude 
or Julia_ or Sadie of the cabarets might be some fellow's 
sister? 

Edward — Bah ! Don't talk of my sister and that crowd in 
the same breath. 

Larabee — But they might. Other girls have brothers, you 
know. Now that one, what's her name ? Florrie — she — 

Edward — Cut it, I tell you. It's different. Why I'd kill 
the dog that tried to get the least bit gay with Alice. 

Larabee (A change is apparent in him) — Oh, you would? 

Edward — I wouldn't give him time to say his prayers. 
(Exit Edward rear. Enter Alice and Mabel rear.) 

Mabel — Our fat chaperon is getting hungry. That means 
angry. (To Larabee) This is your last chance to change 
your mind. 

Larabee (Looking closely at Alice) — I have changed it. 

Alice (Joyfully) — You're going with us? 

Larabee (Indifferently) — As soon as I can arrange my 
affairs, I'm going to New York. 

Alice — Oh, I'm so glad. 

Mabel (To Larabee) — I'd a bet up you were human. 
(Runs off rear.) 

Larabee (Sardonically to Alice) — Oh, yes I'm human. 
Very human. But you'll hardly think so a year from now. 

Alice — Why not? What do you think the people of 
New York are going to do to you ? 

Larabee — It's what I'm going to do to one of them that 
counts. You've heard of Tit of Tat. 

Alice — What is it, a game ? 



THE WASTERS 215 

Larabee — Yes. One we're very fond of in the west. 
Sometimes we call it an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. 

Alice — Will you teach me to play it ? 

Larabee — Why, I'm going to New York just to teach you 
to play it. 

Curtain 

End of Act II 



THE WASTERS 



ACT III 



Scene — Interior of apartment occupied by Larahee in Neiv 
York City. Buffet R. about 2, ivith tray on which 
are bottles and glasses. There is a door on either 
side of it leading respectively to Lardbee's den 
and his bedroom. L. U. E. leads to main room 
zvhere dance takes place. Kitchen door is at L. 
I, the door leading to hallway, thence to street, 
at L. 2. The room is decorated with fioivers 
and ferns. Table center, on which is a practical 
telephone. 

Time — Fiz'e months later. 

Enter L. 2, maskers, male and female, at rise. 
Peter, Larabee's servant, comes ahead of them 
bowing them on. Alice is among them. Her 
cloak is muffled against her face. 

Masker {Peter brings tray of bottles and glasses to table 
from buffet) — Oh, you Peter. This is the big laugh tonight, 
eh? {Fills glass and drinks.) 

Peter — Mr. Larabee will be glad you came. {Filling 
glasses. Maskers drink.) 

Second Masker — Some swell joint, what? Here's how. 
{Drinks.) 

Third Ditto — Great doings tonight. {Takes glass and 
drinks.) 

Fourth Masker {Same business) — Where's the Million- 
aire Cowboy ? I'm strong for him. 

Peter — Mr. Larabee is in his bed room. He'll be here 
presently. {Dance music starts off stage.) {Enter Larabee 
R.) 

Second Masker {leaking partners. One of the maskers 
goes to Larabee) — There's the music. Let's dance. {Some 
dance off L. U. E.) 

217 



218 THE WASTERS 

First Masker — Oh, you Larabee. {She tries to ivhirl 
him into the dance. He resists.) You never sent your feet 
to school. 

Larabee — They used to be church goers. 

First Masker — Saint stuff, eh! No shinanigan. To- 
night's the night you lose your halo. (Exit L. U. E. dancing. 
Larabee goes up L. as if about to follozv. Alice throws off 
the cloak. Laughs.) 

Larabee — Alice ! 

Alice {She goes to him) — So, you wear a halo. Let me 
see it. 

Larabee — You managed it! Does anyone at home sus- 
pect you are here? 

Alice {Dancing around lightly) — -What do we care? 

Larabee — That's the spirit. Tonight will be a milestone 
in your life. 

Alice — You mean a smile stone. I'm bubbling over with 
smiles. It's the great adventure. 

Larabee {Filling glass zvith liquor) — Here, take a sip of 
this. It's Mumm's. {Holds it close to her lips.) 

Alice {She sips and wipes her lips ivith a handkerchief) — 
Oh, that stuff. I don't like it. 

Larabee {Filling another glass) — Perhaps you'd rather 
have this. It's Cliquot. {Presses glass to her lips.) 

Alice — No. I don't like any of it. 

Larabee {Same business zvith third glass) — Not even 
this ? A mild cocktail ? 

Alice {Taking glass of liquor from Larabee, and zvith 
quiet dignity setting it on table) — Not even that! 

Larabee — You're not going to be a good fellow. You 
won't enjoy yourself. 

Alice — Do I need to drink to enjoy myself? 

Larabee — Oh, all the girls take a little champagne and sip 
a cocktail. Ask your brother Ed. if they don't. 

Alice {With touch of astonishment) — The girls that as- 
sociate with Edward do, possibly. 



THE WASTERS 219 

Larabee — Oh, you're different ? 

Alice {Somewhat offended) — Don't you think I am 
slightly different, Larry? 

Larabee — Why should you be ? 

Alice (Horrified) — Larry! Why should I be? And 
I thought — I thought — 

Larabee — What did you think? 

Alice (She seems to wonder a little) — Tell me, Larry, 
why did you call me up on the phone three days in succes- 
sion — when you had just seen me an hour before? 

Larabee — There was no other Vv^ay I could tell you of my 
plans for tonight. 

Alice (Thoughtfully) — Plans for tonight? Why were 
you so anxious to have me run away to your masquerade 
party without letting my father and mother know ? 

Larabee — They wouldn't have let you come without 
Mabel. She's a — 

Alice — Not a word against Mabel. 

Larabee — For five months she's been like a great big ear, 
ready to catch every word I said. Why, I couldn't even 
whisper to you. 

Alice (Gently) — Was there anything you wanted to 
whisper, Larry? 

Larabee (Showing affection) — You know there was. 

Alice — What? Goon. Whisper now. 

Larabee — Can't you guess ? 

Alice (Playfully) — I'll never guess. 

Larabee (Close to her) — I wanted to whisper that I love 
you. 

Alice — Love me! Larry! You do? (They embrace.) 

Larabee (Holding her from him) — And now you'll drink. 
A little to celebrate. (Offers her glass.) 

Alice — Why, Larry, dear, I'll do anything you say. 

Larabee — Anything? (Holds out glass.) 



220 THE WASTERS 

Alice {Takes glass and drinks) — Watch me. Down goes 
Cliquot. Is this Mumm's? {She drinks from second glass 
and then third.) Tell me to drink up every drop in all these 
bottles. {Drinks.) Go on^ — I dare you. {Drinks.) You're 
afraid. {She playfidly goes to him. He catches her and 
kisses her.) 

Larabee — And now you're mine. All mine. {He leads 
her tozvards his bedroom R.) 

Alice — Yes, Larry dear. All yours. Forever and ever. 

Larabee {Stopping at door R. ivhen about to turn handle) 
— Forever and ever! {A slozv change in Larry is noticed 
during the follozving speech.) 

ALiCE^We'll be so happy together when we're married. 
We'll go right away to the ranch, won't we ? Oh, I loved it. 
You know, I can cook ! I went to cooking school. You 
won't be lonesome. We'll take my piano. Til learn to play 
rag-time so the boys can dance. We'll forget about this 
make-believe in the east, won't we? Say yes. Say you'll 
never bring me back. Say you won't. Fve been so sad 
here. Homesick because I had too many homes. We'll 
never get a divorce no matter what happens, Larry, Will 
we? Say we won't. Our children are bound to be unhappy 
if we do. They are bound to go v/rong if they get a bad 
start. 

Larabee — Alice ! 

Alice — What is it, Larry, dear? 

Larabee {Leads her doiun) — I want you to go home. 

Alice — Home ? 

Larabee — Yes. Right away. Your brother is liable to 
come at any minute. 

Alice {Half frightened) — Edward ! Did you invite him ? 
{Loud laughter sounds off.) 

Larabee — Listen! They're his friends. {Indicates 
maskers.) You ARE different. Quite different. Not one 
of them is fit to tie your shoes. Hurry. {Leads her towards 
L.2.) 

Alice — Why must I go? 

Larabee {Opens door and looks into hallway) — Sh — 
Ed — {Closes door.) Quick. In here. {Leads her to L. 



THE WASTERS 221 

J.) When the coast is clear, go home. There's a taxi at 
the door. (Enter Edzvard zvith Peter, as Alice disappears 
L.I.) 

Peter (To Edzvard) — A great many of the guests are 
here already, sir. 

Edward — Hello, Larry. (To Peter) You take a tip from 
me. Don't let this affair sag. Keep the bubble water on 
tap. You understand? (To Larry) Between us, Larabee, 
you have lots to learn about running a real, live, up-to-the- 
minute masquerade. 

Larabee — We believe that, don't we, Peter ? 

Edward — The secret of it is, keep the glasses full. 

Larabee (To Peter) — You hear that? Keep the glasses 
full. 

Peter (Taking tzvo bottles from table) — Yes, sir. Keep 
the glasses full. (Exits L. U. E.) 

Edward (To Larry. Pulls out tzvo small black dominoes 
and lays them on table) — Where's your mask? 

Larabee (Glancing quickly at L. i, picking up mask) — 
I'm not going to wear one. 

Edward (Holds mask back from eyes, in surprise) — No? 
You should. You look as cheerful as the chief pall bearer 
at your own funeral. What's up? Business? 

Larabee — Possibly. 

Edward — When business interferes with the tango, let 
business do the fox trot. Leave it to the peasants to worry 
about. (Enter L. U. E. group of maskers, dancing, they are 
laughing and chatting. Ed puts on his mask and goes to 
them.) (Indicating Larry.) Look at Sir Galahad. (They 
stop dancing.) Here is the only simon-pure-dyed-in-the- 
wool knight of the twentieth century (Indicating Larry), 
in our midst and he has a grouch on. 

First Masker — His Jane hasn't arrived. 

Edward — True to sex, a woman knows a man should 
worry about a woman. 

Second Masker — Or women. 

Edward — Right — and nothing else. 



222 THE WASTERS 

All Sing (Joining hands and dancing around Larry.) 
(Enter Peter L. U. E. Exit L. 2) — There's nothing else 
to worry us but woman, and nothing else should hurry us but 
woman, When we have cobwebs on the brain. They smile, 
we are ourselves again. For who can calm, or flurry us like 
woman ? (Alice appears L. i, runs across stage, and exits R. 
again, as they pull Larry and Ed. off L. U. E. Larry re- 
enters and comes dozvn stage totvards L. i, opens door and 
looks off L. I. Enter Peter and Mabel L. 2.) 

Mabel (To Larry, indicating Peter) — Tell your watch 
dog not to bite me. 

Larabee (Waving him away) — It's all right, Peter. 

Peter — Yes, sir. (Lie exits.) 

Mabel — He barked and showed his teeth. Only I was 
in before he knew it saved me. That's what I get for leaving 
my happy home without an invitation. 

Larabee — I didn't know as any invitation was sent you, 
Miss Banderhop. 

Mabel — Didn't you, now? Well, that's strange, isn't it.'' 

Larabee — I wouldn't want to say it was strange at all. 

Mabel (Slyly) — Did you overlook me on purpose, Larry? 

Larabee — Miss Banderhop, I'd hardly say that. 

Mabel (Goes close to him) — Stalling again? Well, this 
time you won't put it over on me. I've seen Budwell — do 
you get me? T. F. Budwell, Esquire, high muck-a-muck 
of the Budwell Detective Agency and he was soused to the 
gills. 

Larabee — What's that got to do with this visit? At this 
time? 

Mabel— Inopportune, they'd tell me to say on the Drive. 
Well, you handed me quite a line of bull when )^ou said you 
didn't have a sister. And her name wasn't Florence. Oh, 
no, not at all, Reginald, not at all. You're some smart wad- 
die to escape from the alkali belt. That's big league stuff 
you pulled, believe me. 

Larabee — If I didn't have this party on my mind I might 
be able to keep up with you. Your tongue does lope some, 
though. I wish you'd keep it going till you got outside. 
(Goes tozvard halkvay door.) 



THE WASTERS 223 

Mabel — Look here, you, don't you hint that I should go 
out. I'm Hving in a sweller joint than this ever was. 

Larabee — I know you are. You can go back to it, and 
collect your blackmail as soon as you like and please me 
just the same. 

Mabel (Angrily) — Blackmail ! 

Larrabee — Do you think the Millwoods are keeping you 
because they like you ? 

Mabel — What do you think ? 

Larabee — They're boarding you 'cause they're afraid 
you'd tell just how my sister Florence died in their house. 
They want to have you where they can keep an eye on you. 

Mabel — That may be the reason they're wanting me there. 
It's not the reason I'm staying. 

Larabee — Mighty interesting, but it can wait. I have 
friends I want to see. 

Mabel — Don't try to duck this. What do you think I 
came here for ? 

Larabee (He turns back toivard table) — I'm too busy to 
do any guessing. 

Mabel — That's right, ask me to sit down. (Sits.) Thank 
you. You make me forget my Riverside Drive manners, you 
do. 

Larabee — I wish I could get you to remember what you 
owe my sister's memory by way of telling the truth. 

Mabel (Taking out hankerchief and zviping her eyes) — 
Don't do that, you'll have my nose red in a minute. Little 
Florrie was my pal. That's enough, isn't it ? 

Larabee — Perhaps you think so. 

Mabel (Rising and leaning over table) — Perhaps you 
think you'll help her memory by ruining another innocent 
girl just like her. 

Larabee — Huh! (He shoivs she's telling the truth.) 

Mabel — You picked Alice Millwood to practice on, didn't 
you? 

Larabee — I — 



224 THE WASTERS 

Mabel — Trying to stall again. Well, I've got you wing- 
ing, Mr. Larabee. I can see it. {Laiighter sounds off.) 
You've got Alice in there with that bunch of highbinders. 
( Indicates maskers. ) 

Larabee — What makes you think so ? 

Mabel — It's part of the plant. Budwell's another part. 
This masquerade party's the rest. 

Larabee — You seem to know a great deal. 

Mabel — I told you Budwell was soused. He coughed up. 
Then Alice's father phoned to know what had become of her. 
Deny this if you dare. You framed it up with Alice to tell 
her mother she was going to her father's house. Nifty work ! 
This is the date she should go. Masquerade party just fitted 
nice. When the joy to-night is unrefined, you'll fix it so 
Shrimp'll catch you somewhere with Alice. He'll snap the 
mask off of her. Then he'll accuse you of being just as 
rotten to her as he's been to every woman he's ever met. 

Larabee — You almost make me believe you. 

Mabel — Cut that. You haven't been long enough out 
of the come-on class to get it across. Alice being mixed up 
with this bunch of Fluzzies {Indicating maskers) will help 
some. When Shrimp gets to the high falsetto stage of the 
proceedings, you won't deny the charge. Not you. You'll 
smirk, and side-step and just make him so crazy he'll try 
to drill a hole in you. Then you for the grand heroic stuff : 
sister for sister, Florrie for Alice. On top of that Budwell 
will crash in and arrest Shrimp for killing Florrie. Doped 
out right, eh? 

Larabee — It's nice language you're using. Miss Bander- 
hop and I like the story. But the principal chapter's miss- 
ing out of the book. 

Mabel — Wise me up. Where did that drunk Budwell 
f ozzle ? 

Larabee — Alice is not in the house. 

Mabel ( Su rp rised ) — No ? 

Larabee — Search the place. 

Mabel — Well, you may be keener than I thought. You've 
got something up your sleeve. But anyhow, Budwell was 
just stringing you. Shrimp Millwood didn't kill your sister. 



THE WASTERS 225 

Larabee — Who did? 

Mabel— I did ! 

Larabee (As if about to grab her by the throat) — You! 

Mabel — Can that strong arm stuff. I killed her as much 
as Shrimp did. She wouldn't have gone to that house but 
for me. When she found out just what a dirty little piker 
Shrimp was she turned the gat, on herself. 

Larabee — She did it herself? You are sure? 

Mabel — Sure, and you could hardly blame her. She was 
in love with Shrimp. When she woke up to what that meant, 
she couldn't survive it. 

Larabee — What proof have you ? 

Mabel — I had some when I started. I went to live with 
Mrs. Auction Bridge Millwood to get more. Believe me, 
she's a cold deck, but I got next. 

Larabee — How ? 

Mabel — Imogene, that nervy maid-of-little work, is my 
bosom friend. She was so close to Florence when the shot 
was fired she still smells the smoke. 

Larabee — What else have you ? 

Mabel — Say, the girl I love best, now Florrie's had it out 
with the head floorwalker, knows it all. 

Larabee — Alice ? 

Mabel — Alice. She was in the room with Shrimp when 
Florrie left him to go home. There's no fluff-fluff stuff in 
that. I got close to her. A Philadelphia lawyer couldn't 
have tried harder to trip her up. I know what I'm talking 
about. Shrimp didn't do it. 

Larabee (Struggling to hold to his original idea) — He's 
just as responsible as if he'd pulled the trigger. (Door L. 
U. E. is flung open. Singing is heard. Enter Maskers.) 

Mabel (Glancing around quickly and seeing some of the 
maskers enter) — Quick. Give me a mask. (Picks up mask 
left on table.) My reputation's gone if I'm mugged in this 
line-up. (She puts on domino, maskers come dancing 
down.) 



226 THE WASTERS 

First Masker {Dancing by zvith partner and giggling) — 
Oh, you ! 

Mabel {In cultured intonation)— -Heaxens, Maude, what 
are you doing here ? Catch that young and innocent giggle ? 
{To Larry) She got a patent on it in 1776. 

Second Masker {Dances by zvith partner) — Come on, 
Foxey, do the Fox trot. 

Mabel — Tilly! {To Larry) Vd know her legs anywhere. 
Originally built for a piano. 

Third Masker {With partner) — Hello, kiddo, why ain't 
you swimmin' ? 

Mabel — How that mask does improve you, Sadie. Too 
bad you can't wear it all the time. {All dance off L. U. E. 
singing. They ptdl Larry off with them. Mabel goes quick- 
ly to telephone after closing door at L. U. E.) Hello — hello. 
Get me River one-eight-two-three. Yes, in a hurry. Ring 
me when you get it. {She goes rear, opens door and looks 
off at dancers. She cranes her neck and stands on tiptoe 
looking off. Phone rings, she shuts door and runs down. 
In Phone) Hello, that you Mrs. Millwood? No, I haven't 
found her. Wait a minute — yes, Fm inside the house. 
What? Her father's on the way? The devil! Keep him 
back. You stay away too. She's not here yet. Fll get her 
if she comes. Listen, your butting-in will — say, who's going 
this, you or me? {Enter from halhvay Peter, Bnrrell and 
Nita. Nita is wrapped in cloak that covers her from head 
to foot. She ivears a red domino.) 

Burrell {To Peter) — Get him quick. 

Peter — Yes, sir. {Peter exits L. U. E.) 

Mabel {In phone in cultured draivl, as she presses finger 
on hook, tvhich shozvs the audience she is talking into a 
"dead" phone) — Oh, yes, they are here, but withal it's dull, 
very dull. Not a live one in the shop. Oh, yes, some hope 
yet. The night's young. It's the only thing that is young 
around here. {Enter Peter with Edward L. U. E. Peter 
goes off through hallway door.) 

Edward {To Burrell) — You did come? 

Bv-scR.^!.!. {Indicating Mabel) — Shhh ! 

Mabel {In phone) — Well, good-bye, my dear, hope you 
get enough to pay the rent. {Exit after close look at Nita, 
zvho is zvrapped in cloak still so she cannot be recognised.) 



THE WASTERS 227 



Edward — Yoit got her ? 

BuRRELL (Whips off cloak and mask. She has on a dress 
like the one zvorn by Alice.) 

Edward (Enraptured by her) — Oh, you baby doll, I could 
kiss you. Come on, nobody's going to dance with you all 
night but myself. Let's get a little of the merry water, eh? 
(Takes arm.) 

NiTA — Yes, sir. 

BuRRELL (To Nita) — Nita, this is the fairy prince I told 
you about. You'll get the limousine and everything I said. 
(Nita puts on red domino again.) (Btirrell turns to Ed.) 
That other little matter's all right, is it? 

Edward — Sure, here you are. (Gives him bills. Burrell 
looks bills over and is disappointed and shoivs it without 
speaking. Dancers come out and all dance, Burrell put- 
ting on mask and getting a partner. Enter Mabel as Nita 
disappears L. U. E. in the croivd. She zvatches her for a 
second, then comes down to phone. Quickly removes re- 
ceiver.) 

Mabel (In phone) — Hello — Hello. River one-eight-two- 
three. Hurry, please. (Pause.) Yes. Mrs. Millwood. No, 
get her right away. Hello, Imogene, this is Mabel, yes, get 
Mrs. Millwood, tell her I've found Alice. Good night. 
(Hangs up phone.) What do you think of that? (Dancer 
enters tangoing. To dancer) When I talk to the kid in the 
red domino, you grab Ed., will you? She's my side kicker. 
I want to wise her up. 

Masker — Sure. (They dance off together L. U. E. Tvuo 
dancers dance across stage and off L. U. E. Mabel re-enters 
zuith Nita L. U. E.) 

Mabel (Speaking off as she enters) — Bring the cham- 
pagne in here, Mr. Millwood. (To Nita) So, this is where 
you are? 

Nita — Isn't it just like heaven? 

Mabel — Heaven! Ring again, you've got the wrong 
number. You mean the other place. 

Nita (Springing back from her) — Oh, you. 

Mabel — Don't try that on your Uncle Dudley. (Goes 
to Nita and takes her mask off.) Well, I'll be — Say, kid, 



228 THE WASTERS 

my lamps need fixing. You're a marker for a little flopper 
I used to know. The drinks are on me. {Enter Larry L. U. 
E. She turns to Larry after putting mask on Nita.) Get 
this, Larry. What's her moniker ? 

Larabee (Alice appears R., glances at the scene and exits 
immediately. Larry goes toward Nita) — Alice! (Mabel 
whips Nita's mask off. ) 

Mabel — Guess again. 

Larabee — Well — 

Mabel (To Nita) — Who copped you out? Maybe you 
don't get real American yet. I mean, who brought you here ? 

Nita — Mr. Burr. 

Larabee — Burrell ! 

Mabel (To Nita) — Where did he glim you? Say, look 
here, where did he see you and when and how ? You don't 
belong in New York. 

Nita — I'm from Rockmont. 

Mabel — Rockmont? They haven't got switchboards in 
Rockmont. You worked in a telephone exchange, didn't 
you? 

Nita — No, I worked in a store. 

Mabel — I get you. You were offered a job in New York 
on the stage, eh? Burr is such a nice man to poor down- 
trodden shop girls. Wants them all to go in for drama, by 
way of the chorus. How long have you been here? 

Nita — Two weeks. 

Mabel (To Larabee) — Two weeks! In two more she'll 
be just like the iron- jawed fluzzies in there. Are you going 
to let her? 

Larabee — Take her away quick. 

Mabel (To Nita) — Come on. 

Nita (Trying to break Mabel's grip) — But I don't want 
to go. This is life and I'm young enough to want to live. 
I never had any fun, I never heard any music, I was too 
tired to dance, I couldn't laugh the way others laughed be- 
cause I was always thinking we were so terribly poor. I 
won't go, so there. (Tries to get away.) 



THE WASTERS 229 

Mabel — You'll go back to Rockmont tonight, you hear? 
This is his house. {Indicating Larry.) He's going to put 
you out. 

NiTA— But Mr. Burr, Mr. Wood— 

Mabel {To Larahee) — Don't let anyone in for a second. 

Larabee {He goes up to door L. U. E.) — Now look here, 
you {To Nita) throw that away. {Takes domino from Nita 
and throws it on floor.) You're a nice girl. You've not 
been spoiled yet, but you're going to be if you go through 
with this. Burr brought you to this house to meet someone ! 
A little man, isn't it so? 

Nita — Yes. 

Mabel — Said he was rich; that he'd get 3fOU an auto 
and everything and a flat with the rent paid in advance. 
Said you was too nice a girl to work. Too dainty and re- 
fined ! Old stuff. In six months you'd be hitting the path. 
Do you know what that means ? You'd be peddling out to 
the "cheap skates of this burg, and beheve me they're here 
a-plenty. If you go through with this you're going to hate 
to go back to Rockmont ; you're going to run away and hide 
when one of your old friends turn the corner ; you're going 
to be ashamed to see any of your own folks; when your 
mother kisses you, you're going to cry and want to throw 
yourself in the river. Now, are you ? It's up to you. 

Nita — Take me away. 

Mabel {Throiving cloak over her) — That's a dear. I 
knew you were a good kid. {To Larry) O. K., Larry. 
{Larry conies down. Exit Mabel and Nita to hallway. En- 
ter Burrell L. U. E.) 

BuRRELL {Looking about) — Alone, Larry? {Takes mask 
off-) 

Larabee {Rolling cigarette) — Oh, just hitting the Dur- 
ham. 

Burrell — Is it true you're going back to the ranch? 

Larabee — To-morrow morning. 

Burrell — Why don't you stick? Give New York a 
chance ? 

Larabee {Indifferently) — Oh, cliff dwellers are no treat 
to me. Got plenty of places where they used to live next 
state but one to ours. 



230 THE WASTERS 

BuRRELL — Cliff dwellers ? 

Larabee — Sure, the people here live in caves built on the 
sides of canons, that's all. Wasters cooped up on little 
shelves. Wasters, that's all. They waste time, they waste 
food, they waste money, and they waste one another. I've 
seen more wrecked lives here covered up with talcum and 
rouge than I ever hope to see again. 

BuRRELL — You're an advocate of the seven deadly virtues, 
that's what. Funny, everyone with that kind of a looking 
backward intellect thinks all the saints must have freckles 
on their noses and wear cowhide boots. 

Larabee— I'm not looking for saints. I'm satisfied v/ith 
men. (Pause.) If they are men, not panderers and pro- 
curers. 

BuRRELL — Do you mean we're all that sort ? 

Larabee — A few right in this neighborhood are. 

BuRRELL — Look here, what's on your mind ? 

Larabee — I mean this, Mr. Burrell, you make yourself 
scarce around here right away. You don't think I'd have 
in my house a skunk that would lure an innocent young 
girl here to sell her. 

Burrell — Do you think I would? 

Larabee — I don't think, I know ! Now, get out. Go on, 
git! You're the kind of thing that makes the worst ones 
what they are. For the sake of the drippings from the 
tables of the rich you kiss their boots and do their dirty 
work. Now git — or fight ! 

Burrell — I'll see you later for this. 

Larabee — I'll be back in three minutes. If you're here 
I'll kick you out. (Larry goes tozvard L. U. E. Burrell 
goes into halkvay. Alice tiptoes from R. toivards table. 
She looks down and sees red domino taken from Nita and 
thrown away. She picks it up and puts it on. Burrell ap- 
pears at door leading to hallway.) 

Burrell — Nita! (Calling.) Here, Nita, wait, I want to 
speak to you. (Alice has backed away to door R., but finally 
stops.) Don't be afraid of me, didn't I bring you here? 
(Comes a step into room.) I want you to get Mr. Wood 
for me, will you, Nita ? 

Alice — Mr. Wood? 



THE WASTERS 231 

BuRRELL — Yes, you tell him Mr. Burr wants him right 
away. It's very important. Life and death. Make the 
girls let him come out to me. 

Alice — Suppose I don't know him? He'll be masked, 
won't he? 

BuRRELL — Oh, you'll find him. Ask for Mr. Millwood, 
that's what they call him. Or just Shrimp. All the girls 
know him here. 

Alice (Going tozvard L. U. E.) — All right. (Enter 
Larry L. U. E. Burrell makes quick exit in door leading 
to halhvay.) 

Larabee (To Alice astonished) — You! You decided not 
to go home back to Rockmont after all ? 

Alice (With altered voice)— ISio, Mr. Larabee. 

Larabee — So, Mabel told you my name. Well, Nita, now 
Avhy didn't you stick by her and go back to your folks. The 
stage is nothing after all, and you mightn't make good. They 
say the chorus is awful. 

Alice — I won't hear a word against the chorus, and I 
want to stay here. 

Larabee — Do you know, I just now put that chap Burr 
out because he brought you here. Won't you go home? 

Alice — No. 

Larabee (Discouraged) — What's the use? Everybody 
gets the itch for the excitement, I guess. It seems to me 
once a girl gets just a taste of this she gives 3^ou the laugh 
if )^ou want to save her. 

Alice — Maybe what you call saving her ain't. Look how 
well I dance. (Pirouetting.) I want to go on the stage. 
Shall I sing? I've got a splendid voice for the chorus. 

Larabee (Disgusted) — Go your gait for all me. I'm 
through. (Goes up.) 

Alice (Dancing in front of him) — I won't let you go. 
I won't let you. (Pidls him hack.) 

Larabee — Now see here, you're a little fool. I'm sorry 
I put myself out for you the least bit. 



232 THE WASTERS 

Alice — Ah! {Laughing.) You only think you are. 
You're a real cowboy, aren't you? I love cowboys. Don't 
you? 

Larabee — Look here, if you were my sister, do you know 
what I'd do? 

Alice — I could never guess, brother Larry. 

Larabee — Larry? This is a trick. Mabel sent you here 
to put something over on me. Go on, speak up. {He tries 
to catch her, she keeps the table between them.) 

Alice — Cross my heart, she didn't. I just wanted to 
come 'cause I wanted to see you. 

Larabee — I'll give you just five minutes to clear out. 
{Goes toward L. U. E.) 

Alice — Will you dance once with me if I promise to go? 

Larabee {Contemptuously) — Dance! Me dance with 
you ? 

Alice — Why not, I'll go right away if you do. 

Larabee — I don't dance, I tell you. 

Alice — If you try that will save me, sure. 

Larabee — Will you go home to your folks if I just try? 

Alice — Straight home to my folks. 

Larabee — Come on, but you'll wish you'd picked a bear 
instead. ( They dance L. U. E. Burrell appears L. Enter 
Mabel L. She brushes by Burrell making him stumble into 
the room.) 

Burrell {Drawing back) — Oh, I beg pardon. 

Mabel — Why don't you give up begging, Burr, and go 
to work? 

Burrell — Be serious, Mabel. 

Mabel — I am serious. You make me. What's the sneak 
stunt for? Afraid of someone? 

Burrell {Lightly)— No, no, I— just a little flirtation, 
you know. 

Mabel — Quit it. I knovv^ how you flirt. {Changing tone 
to gruffness. ) Come on, kid, what kept you ? 



THE WASTERS 233 

BuRRELL — At least I'd use less slang and more grammar. 

Mabel — Huh, grammar's only the slang of the rich. 

BuRRELL — Apparently it is harder to acquire than your 
own kind. Anyhow, it's the hallmark of the lady. 

Mabel — Riverside Drive didn't succeed in making any 
more a lady of me than a man of you. I think I know why 
you're sneaking back in the hallway. Larry's seen you. 

BuRRELL — No, I was just waiting. 

Mabel — I knew it, well, you'd better duck. I put Larry 
onto you. 

BuRRELL — You did ! • Your days on Riverside Drive are 
numbered for that. 

Mabel — I should worry. Did it ever strike you, Reggie, 
that a lot of money is spent in the homes of the divorced 
rich to keep a nice innocent girl nice and innocent, while 
guys like you cop off the coin for pointing out to the son 
of the same house the short cut to hell? 

Burrell — I'm through! 

Mabel — What's that? 

Burrell — I'm done, I tell you. 

Mabel — On the level ? 

Burrell — Believe me or not, this is the limit. That little 
imp in there has made me do everything that degraded me. 
(Angrily.) Now, why should he be in a position to do it? 

Mabel — Search me, I didn't do it. 

Burrell — It doesn't look fair to me. I had more native 
ability, more brains, better character; he had only a father 
with money. 

Mabel — You should have been wiser in picking your 
father. 

Burrell — There's something wrong with the scheme of 
things somewhere. 

Mabel — There is. You missed out when you sloughed 
the bit of manhood God started you off with and turned 
your back on work to live by your wits. (Alice enters L. 
U. E. looking back frightened. She runs lightly across stage 



234 THE WASTERS 

to R. and makes hurried exit. Mabel doesn't see her, Bur- 
r ell does.) What was that ? {As Alice shuts door R. En- 
ter Ed. L. U. E. i()ith bottle and champagne glass. He is 
under the influence of liquor.) 

Edward — Where is she? Where did she go? 

Mabel — Who ? 

Edward — Never mind. It's not you, anyhow. 

Mabel — Aw, you Shrimp, if I didn't know you, I'd think 
you meant that. {Indicate Burrell.) Say, he wants to quit. 

Edward — Who ? 

Mabel — Burrell. Says right out in meeting he'll do no 
more kidnapping for you. 

Edward — What's that? 

Mabel — Refuses to rob any more cradles. 

Edward {To Burrell) — You've been talking! 

Burrell — I only said I was going away. I feel all in. 
When a man can't fight, it's all right; when he can and 
won't, then there's something wrong in here. {Indicating 
breast. ) 

Mabel {To Edivard) — Burrell want's you to stake him 
so he can get a fresh start. Go on, do it. He's delivered 
for you up to the handle. 

Edward {At table filling glass from bottle, and drinking 
it) — Let him go to the devil. 

Mabel {To Burrell) — You're to go to the devil. {Alice 
peeps from door R. Ed. is iti the act of drinking, ivhen 
he sees her. He quietly lays glass down and tiptoes across 
to door R.) 

Burrell {Despairingly to iV/a&d)— That's what I get 
for all I've done. 

Mabel — Just as the fellow in the book says : Virtue and 
the police offer a reward, and some second story man cops 
it off. {Ed. has turned handle of door R. and opened it. 
He goes in quickly and closes door. There's a frightened 
scream off.) 

Burrell — What's that? 



THE WASTERS 235 

Mabel (Running across to door i?.)— It's in here. (En- 
ter Larry L. U. E.) Quick, Larry. (The screaming con- 
tinues.) 

Larabee (Pressing shoulder against door) — What is it? 

Mabel (Knocking hard on door) — Open! 

Larabee — Open or I'll smash it in. 

Edward (Off stage) — Go away. (Scream is repeated.) 

Larabee — All right. Have it your way. (He picks up 
chair and smashes door in. Puts hand through broken 
panel and turns key.) 

Mabel — Good work. (E.reunt Larry and Mabel R:) 
(Peter, followed by Mr. and Mrs. Millwood, enters L.) 

Peter — I'll get Mr. Larabee, right away. (Exit Peter 
L. U. E. Mr. and Mrs. Millzvood go up as if to follozv 
Peter. Larry enters R. dragging Edivard, zuhom he tosses 
center near table.) 

Larabee — You hound ! 

Edward — She's mine, you hear. Ask Burr. (Turns to 
Burrell.) She is, isn't she? (He advances on Larry as if 
to attack him.) 

Millwood (Coming dozvn and getting betzveen Larry and 
Ed.) — What does this brawling mean? 

Edward (In drunken surprise) — You here? Governor! 
(Sees Mrs. Millwood.) And the Mater? (Enter Mabel R. 
supporting Alice, zvho still zvears her red domino. Ed. 
turns to Mabel and Alice.) Come on, Nita, You're mine, 
you understand. (Going towards Alice and grabbing her 
by the arm.) 

Alice (Shrinking back as Alice's domino is taken off by 
Mabel) — Keep him away. How horrible! Horrible! 

Edward — You! (He staggers back zvhen he sees it is 
Alice.) 

Mrs. Millwood (Taking Alice in her arms) — Alice! 

Edward (To Alice) — What were you doing in there? 

Alice (To Edward) — Go away. Please. I never want 
to see you again. 



236 THE WASTERS 

Edward (To Larry) — You did this! You brought my 
sister here. You mixed her up with that gang ! (Indicating 
dancers. ) 

Mabel (To Larahee) — And you Hed to me, Mr. Larabee! 
You had her here all the time ! 

Millwood — You did, Larabee? Good God, is there a 
decent man anywhere on earth ? 

Mrs. Millwood (Patting Alice) — Oh, my poor dear. 

Edward (Grabbing champagne bottle from table and ad- 
vancing on Larry) — I'll murder you. (Larry and Edzvard 
grapple. Ed. is held back by Alice, zuho springs forward.) 

Alice — Don't touch him! Don't dare! (The men arc 
separated.) 

Mabel (To Alice) — He tricked you. He wanted re- 
venge. Little Florence, the girl that committed suicide in 
your house, was his sister. 

Alice — What ? 

Millwood — Is it true ? 

Mabel (To Edzvard) — lie knows that you were the 
cause of his sister's death. 

Edward — Now I understand. That's what he was after 
all the time. He wanted to trick Alice to get even. 

Millwood (Facing Larry as if about to strike him) — An 
eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Is that it? 

Larabee (Calmly) — An eye for an eye. A tooth for a 
tooth. A sister for a sister. Why not? (Turns to Alice.) 
I did start out to treat you in exactly the same way as your 
brother treated little Florrie. 

Alice — Oh, and I thought — I thought you cared. 

Mabel — This masquerade was the window dressing to 
coax the customer in. Shrimp here was to find you and 
him together. 

Larabee (To Alice) — That's right. The little game of 
tit for tat. We were to be unmasked. I v/as to hand you 
over to him as much of a wreck as he made my sister. 

Mrs. Millwood — What depths of degradation! 



THE WASTERS 237 

Alice (A light dazuning on her) — But you didn't! You 
ordered me home, 

Larabee (To Milhvood)— There you are. I'm a quitter. 
I didn't go through with it. 

Mr. Millwood (To Larabee) — God put it into your 
heart to give up your idea of revenge. 

Larabee (Paying no attention to Mrs. Milhvood, and 
turning to Milhvood) — When your son went into that room 
tonight he was pursuing another fellow's sister. 

Mabel — Nita. A mere child. 

Larabee— One that he paid Burrell here to bring him. 

Millwood — Good God! (He turns on Burrell and Ed- 
ward. Both shrink back.) It's true! 

Larabee — Money kept him from being anything only 
what he is. 

Millwood — It will keep him so no longer. (To Edzuard) 
From now on you'll earn every dollar you get by the sweat 
of your brow. Out of my sight. 

Edward (To Airs. Milkvood)— Mother \ 

Mrs. Millwood — Come back to me when you are a man. 
(Exeunt Edivard and Burrell.) To think that he was once 
my baby! Life is just sin. (To Milhvood) Let us go home. 

Larabee (To Mrs. Milhvood)— To which one? Yours 
or his? (Turns to Milhvood.) Your divorce gave your 
children too many homes; half the time they didn't think 
they had any. It was the same thing that left my little sis- 
ter Florence without a home at all. 

Millwood (To Mrs. Milhvood) — We have been at fault. 

Mrs. Millwood (Placing hand on Millwood's arm) — I 
was all to blame. I forgot that as soon as a child is laid in 
a woman's arms she becomes a guardian of the human race. 
And all else is nothing. 

Millwood (To Larabee) — Thank you for teaching us 
both. Good night. 

Mrs. Millwood (To Larabee) — Good night. (Exeunt 
Mrs. Millwood zvith Alice, and Millwood and Mabel.) 

Mabel (Turning at door) — Good night, Mr. Larabee. 






238 THE WASTERS 

Larabee — Good night. {He stands near table as mask- 
ers come out L. U. E. and go off L.) 

Maskers — Good night, Larry. Great time we had. 

Ditto — Best time ever. Good night, old sport. 

Ditto — You're a regular New Yorker now. Good night. 

Larabee — Good night, everybody. Thank you for com- 
ing. {Voices murmer off L. as crozvd ivithdraivs farther 
away. Enter Peter L.) 

Peter {Turning out lights) — Is there anything else, sir? 

Larabee — Pack my bags. 

Peter — Right away, sir? 

Larabee — Yes. Call a taxi. {Pulls watch from pocket.) 
I have just time to make that next train. 

Peter — Yes, sir. {Exit R. Enter Alice L.) 

Alice — I couldn't go without saying good-bye. 

Larry {Coldly) — Good-bj^e, Miss Millwood. 

Alice {Close to him) — No. It's Alice. Say Alice. {Ma- 
bel appears L.) 

Larabee — ^Alice ! 

Alice — Larry ! 

Larabee — You forgive me ? 

Alice — If you promise there won't be any divorce. 

Larabee — I promise. {Kissing her.) 

Mabel — Well, don't that beat the Dutch! I was ofif on 
the wrong foot all the time. 

Curtain 

End of Act III 



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